My Movin' Jar, and other resignations about existence

I know, three months, shut up.

I've been busy.

So, quick thought about....the election (dramatic music ici).

I'm done.

No, I wasn't a McCain supporter, nor was I really, to be honest with myself, a Barack supporter. I just wanted something to affirm my basic belief in American democracy, so I could finally stop labeling myself as a monarchist when people ask me what political party I belong to.

Which brings me to my Movin' jar.

It sits on top of my bookcase. It's an old mason jar with, as of this morning, 351.65 in it. The purpose of said jar is to save up enough money (approx. 3000) to expatriate myself, and move to another country. Here's why. American television programs are now seen all around the globe. And I've received every assurance that Thor will be hitting the World's theaters in 2010.

So, why am I here? Or, to those of you still listening, why am I leaving in 2648.35?

The election.

Yeah, we elected a new and, by all accounts, awesome dude for Top American. I'm thrilled. It's my favorite Bravo program. But go to any message board. Go to any Op-Ed news channel/page. Talk to anyone.

America hasn't changed. Americans haven't changed. And, at the risk of sounding like the future expatriate I am, Americans are what's wrong with America. Not Red America, not Blue America, America and it's people as a whole are a self-righteous, overly-opinionated knee-jerk mob even by the sort of generic low standards I have for over eight or so humans in a room as a whole. The party calling the tune has changed, but the tragic Sgt. Musgrave's Dance of American life moves ever onward towards oblivion.

I don't want to come off as holier-than-thou. This is my problem, not everyone else's. Because i don't have much to believe in that isn't Teddy Ruxpin or Sweden's Royal House of Bernadotte suddenly annexing Massachusetts, I'm probably less tolerant of this because I don't have a side, so I never really feel the validation of my team winning, so my faith in the system is never really vindicated.

I think I'm ending this post here, before it gets either A.) More Maudlin, or B.) Less logical.

Hey, a quarter!

2648.10. Lyon, je suis sur mon chemin!

Au revoir in however long this takes,
Jean-Jacques Breyten RM

"If I hear the name Edward Nygma one more time I swear to Fucking God...", and other outbursts I've made while gazing into the eyes of the internet

I can be a victim of hype like anyone.

I was excited to see The Dark Knight as much as anyone, anticipating it with bated breath in October.

I've probably pushed Disney's The Princess and The Frog harder than anyone outside of The Disney Studios, for which I assume I will be recompensed at some point.

But seriously, this shit has got to fucking stop.

I can't take fanboys anymore. It's the unfortunate byproduct of a summer full of geek love, which I was originally glad for. Now I see it's cost. It's cost, as I Have detailed in the past, is a rabid, vociferous and self-satisfied fan base that I will have to put up with for the foreseeable future.

If you didn't get the link, it's to a page on that has a fanboy poster that he submitted. And it's an excellent poster. Could easily be considered professional. But it's the non-stop deluge of discussions on what happens in movie three that accompanies it that I can't handle.

And again, I admit my guilt. I've explained to a few of you what I would like to see done with the third, but it seems like no one wants to be satisfied with what was an excellent movie. Like crack addicts, they immediately posit on the next film.

My critical mistake was posting on that page. I couldn't resist trying to cool the flames, pointing out that other than Frank Gorshin's Riddler (from the Adam West TV Series), no incarnation of the Riddler has been anything other than, well, a little sad. No one knows what to do with him, and so no one really has. Gorshin's manic performance, which became the inspiration for the modern Joker, is the only highlight in the character's career. In the animated series, he was barely used; Jim Carrey's Riddler was a joke, and not in the flattering way; In the comics he's become little more than a nerd in a bowler hat. Why does anyone want to bring him back? So unfortunately I posted that, and have had, to date, 68 responses, with 41 of them telling me I should know better. I should have.

And why does anyone want Killer Croc? Or Clayface? They'd be ridiculous in Nolan's world. In a different but equally farcical way than The Riddler.

Riddle me this: Why is it that a subculture of filmgoers that prides itself on its vitriol of mainstream cinema collectively wets themselves when they hear about Johnny Depp as The Riddler? The only person who actually believes that Johnny Depp is counter-culture anymore is Johnny Depp. When you make over 20 mil a picture, that's as radical as apple pie, and not in the flattering way. Angelina Jolie, too. You'll shit on her Lara Croft, but you'll eat up her Selina Kyle. In what world where you take yourselves seriously does that seem fair? Riddle me that.

Don't get me wrong. When the time comes that the Nolan's choose to make TDK3, if they do, I'll be excited as anyone else to hear the rumors and see the viral campaigns. But not the ones that High Lord Asdlevar photoshops in his basement in Poughkeepsie, however excellent they may be.

Riddle me this: When does someone spend all their time in the future?

When they can't be satisfied with the present.

And I don't mean that in a flattering way.

If only to prove to Margaret that three people filled this stupid thing out....

1. Do you like blue cheese? God no. Neither in dressing nor solid form. It is tangible proof that dairy is not infallible.
2. Have you ever smoked? Yes. Many things.
3. Do you own a gun? Does Nerf count?
4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? Gotta go with green.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not really. My doctor is cool.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Delicious black sheep of the sausage family (I'm fairly sure there is no sheep in hot dogs)
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Christmas themed? The Rankin/Bass Rudolph. Movie that I always watch on Christmas? You'd be astonished how often that holiday drives me to Blazing Saddles.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Cranberry Juice.
9. Can you do push ups? Yes. It's a question of frequency. Also, I can do the clapping ones.
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Audrey Hepburn's necklace in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
11. Favorite hobby? Competitive Bullshitting.
12. Do you have A.D.D.? What's that about a bird? Yeah, wikkid bad.
13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? Crippling Self-doubt.
14. Middle name? Ah, my nom du guerre, Tully.
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
1. I hope people think these answers are funny.
2. I wonder if Disney could make Ivanhoe.
3. I hope they don't until I get there.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water, Coke, Liquor.
17. Current worry? That somewhere, right now, as we speak, someone is thinking about how much they hate me.
18. Current hate right now? That asshole that hates me.
19. Favorite place to be? Squam Lake in NH, or The Mexico Ride at EPCOT.
20. How did you bring in the New Year? I don't remember.
21. Where would you like to go? Club 33.
22. Name three people who will complete this. Erin, Adrienne, and Margaret. Ha! I got it right!
23. Do you own slippers? Somewhere.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? Grey. Oh yeah, I'm a rebel like that.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Only when starring in 70s porn, you weirdo.
26. Can you whistle? Second only to Nate Ewert-Krocker.
27. Favorite color? I've come to appreciate brown a great deal.
28. Would you be a pirate? No, nor would I be a ninja. I hate those two options. I choose Highwayman.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? A Medley of ABBA, Green Day, and Disney. That wasn't a joke.
30. Favorite Girl's Name? Gwendolyn, or Cecily. Don't make me choose.
31. Favorite boy's Name? Um, Ryan? Is there any OTHER boy's name?
32. What's in your pocket right now? Okay....a lighter, two open pack of gum (different types), an uncashed check, three pens, my cell phone, my DS, two movies from netflix, my wallet, one five dollar bill, three singles, and $2.43 in change. (They were cargos)
33. Last thing that made you laugh? Me. Someone at work today pronounced metaphysics "metalphysics", and I thought about copper's quest for self-realization. I thought it was hilarious.
34. Best bed sheets as a child? My TMNT sheets. Slumber Power!
35. Worst injury you've ever had? Most unpleasant is probably the broken nose from the car crash in December.
36. Do you love where you live? Christ no.
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two, I think.
38. Who is your loudest friend? I'd love to say it's someone other than me, but then someone would probably stare at me until they convince me that I am my own loudest friend.
39. How many dogs do you have? None yet. But once I move into a pet-friendly apt., then my English Bulldog, Sir Percy Chubbs-Cuddlington of the Pembrokeshire Chubbs-Cuddlingtons is go!
40. Does someone have a crush on you? I hope so. If not, that'd be rather disenchanting.
41. What is your favorite book? I wish it was something intellectual, but it's probably Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese. I know, I'm a philistine.
42. What is your favorite candy? Toblerone.
43. Favorite Sports Team? BC Eagles. Mostly hockey. But also some of the footeball.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? "You're So True", by Joseph Arthur.

On the Impossibilities of Intellectual Property and Other Hare-brained Theories...

It strikes me that.....

(blur passes across face, loud THUD sounds)

Damn you, you hairy, bowler-wearing bastard!

(nothing? Oh well. Worth a shot)

Anyhow, it strikes me that whatever idea I'm about to have, some French peasant probably thought of it sometime during the now infamous millet harvests of 1479.

Now, granted he may not have had all the tools to correctly formulate his idea. In fact, he didn't even have the seed drill at the time, (Ah, Etienne, mon coeur saigne pour vous.), but nonetheless, I'm sure that at some point Etienne said to himself:

"Ah, quelle bonne récolte de millet c'est. Si seulement mon épouse et sept enfants, seulement deux dont vécu après l'âge de cinq, pourrait voir ceci. Si seulement il y avait une manière de leur montrer immédiatement ce que je vois, aussi bien que des charges de l'autre merde faite par les personnes pharisaïques qui s'aiment des artistes, comme Jean-Phillipe, le forgeron local."

("Ah, what a fine crop of millet this is. If only my wife and seven children, only two of which lived past the age of five, could see this. If only there was a way to instantly show them what I am seeing, as well as loads of other crap done by self-righteous people who fancy themselves artists, like Jean-Phillipe, the local blacksmith.")

Ergo, Etienne invented a fore-runner to Youtube.

So every time I think of something, the only difference between what I am thinking and what good ol' Etienne thought of is the technological and cultural advances that enable me to take his concepts to the next level.

Now, if you've still followed me after my butchery of French, you may be saying, "Now see here, my good fellow, that still means that you've come up with an inventive thought. If you've contributed to it, you have a creative stake in it."

Perhaps, though it's just as likely that someone else in our 6b population across humanity has thought of what I thought of, yet dismissed it as stupid.

So, isn't inventiveness really only the logical extensions of stupidity not knowing any better? From a metaphysical perspective?

So, for all of you wondering why I've shelved my long-anticipated musical memoirs of Daniel Craig's favorite classical music albums, tentatively titled Craig's Liszt, it's because that asshole Etienne already thought of it.

You respect and you fear this. You WORSHIP IT!


Shameless Plugs



It's a project blog where we rank and review every Disney theatrical feature, in the attempt to create the ultimate list.

We love comments and we encourage people who want to join us for a viewing.

So please go check it out.

We already have done:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Fun and Fancy Free
Lady and the Tramp
The Jungle Book
The Great Mouse Detective
The Lion King

Come join us for your favorite (if we haven't already done it, then find your silver medal). We can do this long-distance, too, so don't be afraid to get in touch. We can make this work for you!

End Plug.

In the Interest of Stirring the Pot...

Heath Ledger was wonderful in the Dark Knight.

He doesn't deserve the Oscar.

He wasn't the best actor in that film.

All praise Aaron Eckhart.

Ah, Culture


Chagrin over my own mots fortes and other otherities...

So the last post seems pretty harsh.

And some of you have, rightfully so, called me on my opinions.

But I'd like to make a few counterpoints.

One, there is no question that film reviewers, particularly those of the clout of people like A.O. Scott or Roger Ebert are certaily given more heft of their opinion on there film than others. As much as we may laugh, the trailer for Iron Man didn't say....Steve from Poughkeepsie says "This is the finest action Film you'll see all year!", which I would argue does affect ticket sales and the number of people who go to see a movie. I grant that reviewers have more clout and that tends to give some of the more unpleasant people of their ilk a tendency to be holier than thou in their view of their own merits. That is a shame.

HOWEVER, I also find that people who have read Batman's The Killing Joke also feel MORE than entitled to tell me why their opinions are more valid, so maybe I'm just tired of being in the middle (especially when my own views are obviously the right ones). And I know that in our society now we want a definitive word on everything because we don't have the time or desire (at least most of us) to want to understand stuff on a more complex level. There's other things that simply need to get done. So I don't begrudge the concept behind RT in trying to give films a numeric ranking.

I resent that some people tell me one thing based on their perceived superiority whilst simultaneously ignoring other people (whether it's right or wrong, they don't offer an M.F.A in reading The Long Halloween, they do in film criticism), which is the tenet of fascism. Perhaps I painted with to broad a brush using that term. But dismissing people's opinions as invalid without seriously entertaining them and even going so far as threatening them is fascism, right? It's bullying, because we've been calling out Fox News for doing that to guests for years, and we're right on that one.

We're a society of brutes because we are creatures that, at our core are all passion and instinct. And our first instinct when what we care about is threatened is to push back. Some of us are better at repressing those urges than others. They should be commended for that. Some people have a saint-like patience I could never hope to have (see last post). But the reality is that passionate people also tend to be opinionated people, and it's rare to find an opinionated person who will give full respect and credence to the other side of an argument. Because the other person is trying to tell you that what you are passionate about is wrong. Being passionate is a double-edged sword like that.

What I was trying to say, and I feel it got lost in what, I see now, was a deluge of poorly chosen phraseology and examples, is that I don't believe in righteous anger/vindication through perceived superiority, which is the first tool in any good Holier-Than-Thou Man's Utility Belt. Perhaps there are one in a million times (you just watched a devil shoot a baby) where you can be pissed off and feel that the forces of right are on your side, but more often than not it's your opinion of your justness that makes you righteous, which is a term I only accept as a one word adjective immediately followed by a guitar solo.

Long story short, I just want people to be open-minded that The Dark Knight may not be the 2nd coming.

Unless we're talking IMAX.

Also, I want an otter.

Our inability to handle external merde and other manure based phenomena...

There are many things to say about the Dark Knight, but this is one of them.

The film currently holds somewhere between an 89-91 at Six reviews so far have come in as rotten. The first one, by the film reviewer of The New Yorker makes valid artistic criticisms that I feel, if I were dissatisfied with the film, I would see as being my exact problems. He has received 530 comments as of right now (7/16/2008, 2:51 pm EST), ranging from purile, childish insults to death threats. I shit you not, death threats.

530 comments of that. I took the time to count. The total number of comments on positive reviews is 249. And that's the total of 53 positive reviews.

Each of the other five negative reviews have more at least four times as many comments on any of the positive reviews (it would be closer to six, if not for a high volume on Ebert's critique). And all of them the same.

No one allows that their opinions are valid, as all of them are reviewers of reputable magazines, as opposed to Emmanuel Levy of And certainly no one admits that their points may be correct in areas. The so-called fans of this intellectual, dark, intelligent film are behaving like the troglodytes they perceive everyone else to be.

At the end of the day, we are a species of brutes. I don't mean to say that negatively, it just is what it is. And people who think we aren't are fooling themselves. Even a person with an IQ of 175 and the patience of a saint will, when properly provoked, start swearing like a 7th grader and either start trying to strike you or think about it because you're bigger than he is.

What bothers me is this inherent concept of righteous anger. There is no such thing as righteous anger. Or having the right to be upset. You are upset. It's just a fact of life. And while some reasons for being upset are more understandable, there's never a anger that is justified because of your perceived superior understanding/intelligence/morality on any given issue. It's simply deluded thuggery. Maybe it's thuggery for a noble cause, but it's still thuggery.

I'm as excited as anyone to see this film, but my fear is that this birth of the "artistically valid" comic book film is giving a very vocal, traditionally repressed and angry minority a sort of "righteous anger" when there are other valid artistic voices disagreeing with them, and that it will only end poorly for all involved. I beg all of you out there who see this film, and indeed, the next time you hear anyone who didn't like a film you and most of your friends/the world liked, don't be a dick to the minority. Because if you are, that makes you a fascist. Which is cool, just don't be offended when I call you on it. Own what you are. And everyone who insulted or threatened David Denby is a fascist.

With All Due Respect to die Leute von Wermelskirchen

I have often expressed my admiration for Dr. Uwe Boll.

It takes a man of the sublimest intellect to psychologically and artistically justify radical changes from any given source material (and, in his defense, he doesn't get the creme) in defense of the greater good of the finished product.

And, granted, he doesn't always succeed. Those who aim for the stars rarely reach them. But this doesn't in any way downplay his dedication or desire or his sense of artistic decency.

Indeed, it takes a visionary to not simply correlate film actors with prostitutes from a philosophical perspective, but to take his logic that step further and HIRE prostitutes to replace his actors. Bravo! D'accord!

But indeed, such lofty pursuits must tire Dr. Boll, and I think we can all agree that by going here, and signing the polite missive to encourage Dr. Boll to take a most heartily deserved sabbatical.

For he has taught us all so much.

Vaya con 1% on RT, Dr. Boll.


Robotic Undertakings by Steven Jobs the XXII and other thoughts

Saw Wall-E and I will spare you the gushing and say only this:

Didn't Eve look a little like an iPod?

Glorious New Undertakings

Some of you may have heard of this project, some may have not:

My fellow conspirator over at the Wiry Libertine and I have long held, as our sacred goal, the desire to watch every Disney Animated Feature ever made, and then categorically rank and score them. We have begun this massive undertaking here . we sincerely hope that you join us in our quest with your support, thoughts, prayers (if applicable) and financial donations (we won't say no). If you'd like to join us for a viewing, get in touch with us and let us know. We'll try to find a way to involve you.

It begins.

I've said it Before, And I'll Say It Again

I have faith in Disney.

Not the blind, fanatical devotion I once had. No, I see Disney now for what it truly is. Flawed, yet beautiful. Our relationship is deeper now. More real. Stronger. I love Disney more now than I did five years ago.

Why this succinct yet profound declaration of love?:

She's why. Also this one....

These are shots from the two upcoming Disney films Rapunzel (above) and The Princess and The Frog (still above, but below Rapunzel).

I have often expressed great excitement over these upcoming releases, as they are both attempts by the creative powers within Disney to return to their more traditional, musical-based formulas that were so successful for much of the Disney canon. I can't stress enough my support for them committing to simple yet smart artistic decisions. For The Princess and The Frog, it's a Jazz Age New Orleans setting, which provides a lot of fun and intersting musical an character choices within a simple concept. Rapunzel, while details are relatively unknown still, has been describing it's artistic inspiration as Rococo, which makes me super excited to see what they do with that artistically. Despite her quasi-obnoxious "girl power-y" pose that I have frankly grown weary of, I am charmed by what I have seen of her so far.

You will be too. We all will be. We are witnessing a rebirth. Let us welcome it with open arms.

Ewwwww, Disney placenta!


Commenting on my own comments, and other Realities in Escher's Universe.


Top 5 Top 5 Lists:

top 5 Early 90s Animated TV Shows NOT AFFILIATED with the Disney Channel:
5.) King Arthur and the Knights Of Justice:
It's an entire starting HS football team (HS archetypes/stereotypes) transported to Ancient England (culture shock humor) and given enchanted armor with magical powers (mechas). There is no weak point.
4.) Animaniacs/Pinky and The Brain/Freakazoid:
WB Kids single-handedly shaped my childhood humor lobe towards existential bizarrities with these shows. Even if only Anton and I think Freakazoid is funny.
Single baddest (coolest in 90s-speak) guitar solo theme in history. Suck it Top Gun.
2.) Batman: The Animated Series:
This show brought children into the worlds of Steampunk, Art Deco, and Film Noir. No other show can claim such a grand success artistically.
1.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:
The single largest marketing orgasm of the late 80s-early 90s. I don't know a single boy within a five year range of me that DIDN'T own Turtle gear.

top 5 movies that contained a Cusack:
5.) High Fidelity - The movie that told me it was okay to obsess about Top 5 lists.
4.) Meet The Robinsons - A really Sweet Disney Movie with Joan Cusack as the voice of the Grandmother/Mother.
3.) The Sure Thing - It actually contains the lines "Dear Penthouse, I never thought I'd be writing to you...." and the lines "Lapsang Souchong? That's really more of a studying tea."
2.) In and Out - Ahhh, the movie where Kevin Kline tried vainly to convince us all he wasn't gay. .....wait, that was a movie?
1.) Midnight in The Garden of Good and Evil - That's right, I like this one more than Being John Malkovich. Face!

top 5 songs that you just wish would die:
5.) Since You've Been Gone, by Kelly Clarkson - There are only so many songs I can stand hearing shrieked by drunken girls at a party.
4.) Golddigger, by Kanye West - This song has given him waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy to much power. Also, am I the only one a little sick of Jamie Foxx?
3.) If I had A Million Dollars, by The Bare-Naked Ladies - I don't care how funny or ironic it is, let it die. I don't want a goddamn fruit-roll up. And if I had a million dollars tax free, I would NOT eat Spamghetti.
2.) I Try, by Macy Gray - Seriously, what were we all thinking?
1.) American Pie, by Don McLean - Not only is it twenty goddamn minutes long, it is cliched and oversung by people who try to be deep and there's no guitar solo. I can't STAND it.

top 5 comic book characters I could take:

5.) Black Bolt - This guy's voice is so powerful that he could level cities with a whisper. So he has no mutant powers and is super-paranoid. I think I can handle that.
4.) Dr. Johannes Krauss - From Hellboy, He's gas in a jar. it's fancy-shmancy gas in a cool-ass jar, but that doesn't change anything.
3.) The Mad Hatter - I love this cat, but he's a joke. Even with the apropos team up with Scarecrow, he was still ridiculous.
2.) Mr. Mxyzplk - For an interdimensional being with a bad-ass sense of humor and nearly limitless power....what a sucker.
1.) Don McLean - I don't care if he is a comic-book character, I'll draw him into one. He has it coming for American Pie (see above).

top 5 Disney Movies, ever, for cereal, no one can call BS on this*:
*= because of the super-sensitivity in our circle of friends on this issue, and the fact that I could write a dissertation on this, I will restrain myself to listing. I welcome any criticisms/debate.

5.) The Great Mouse Detective.
4.) Sleeping Beauty.
3.) The Little Mermaid.
2.) Aladdin.
1.) Beauty and The Beast.

top 5 categories for the game Kill/F*ck/Marry:

5.) Disney Princesses.
4.) European Monarchs.
3.) Video Games.
2.) Obscure Olympic Sports.
1.) Types of Meat.

Behold my awesome abilities to listificate! Debate my beliefs, but know they are always right.


Seriously, it's not an option

I demand DEBATE!

Ooodles, gobs, smorgasbords of DEBATE! I crave it! My soul needs competitive banter to survive! It becomes a shriveled pod of hate that was once the fruit of knowledge! DO YOU HEAR ME?! MY SOUL BECOMES A RAISIN!

To prevent this, I have raised a few subjects I would like some scholarly reflection upon:

Top 5 ' "Oh, this song is so lame!" and then you dance anyways' Songs of All Time

Top 5 Biggest Movie Letdowns (movie doesn't have to be bad, just not what you hoped)


Top 5 Comic Book Characters you think you could take in a fight

Let's go! You show me yuors, and I'll show you mine!


Theories on The Mythic Nortwestern Pacific

Ah Seattly.

Noble Seattly.

Sweet Seattly.

The bluest skies you've ever seen in Seattly,
And the hills the greenest green in Seattly.

I'm done.

It's been on my mind of recent. A friend of mine just moved out there, and I've been doing my damnedest to see, if a certain something goes my way, if I can too. I also just sent out three plays, one one-act and two full-lengths, to their playwriting festival.

I've lost what little perspective I have on my own work. I could write the next Great American Novel and be unable to distinguish it from 'FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL 617-775-2616'. That frustrates me, but all I can do is keep moving forward, and hope that Seattle is hip to the jive I'm spinning.

Do kids still say that? hip?

I don't know anymore.

Caspian this weekend. Everyone keep an open mind. Give this the respect that you all gave Lord Of The Rings. It's not LOTR's cute kid brother. It's an equal.

Also, Speed Racer hurt. A lot. But I'll still support it. Speed needs our prayers now more than ever.


I miss Drew......Like Jim Krasinski misses Rainn

Bear with me. I promise to keep reality-related posts to a minimum. After this, I'll try to keep to pop-culture commentary.

My cubi-pal Drew is on vacation this week. He and his girlfriend are going to Cabo, which should be fun. Still, he was my first 'work friend' and I miss him.

It's weird, I always dreamed that the person I worked with would be like Dwight from 'The Office'. You know, the dour, 9 to 5 soul who doesn't get my hip rhetoric and ability to compare various preserved fruits to children's television shows without using Strawberry Shortcake thank you very much. In fact, I think that's what I kind of hoped for. Instead, the first time I brought up Ducktales, and asked if he thought he was a Huey, Dewey, Or Louie, he answered, without batting an eyelash, "I'm more of a Bubba."

Fuck! How cool is that. He's like some sort or pre-brined pickle, he's so cool.

Without him I've just got Mark, who, though a nice enough guy, just kind of nods, smiles and says "yup." whenever I try to wax poe-wit-ical. It sucks.

Anyhow, that's all I got.

Iron Man: May be my favorite Marvel movie yet.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: There's a Dracula Puppet Musical. That's all that needs be said.


Evil Music in Kenmore Square

Not that many of you know or even care, but this year's winner of the Women's Boston Marathon?

Dire Tune.

I don't care how you pronounce it, because I pronounce it Bad-Ass.

I got nothing else.


Summer Movies, or Why I'm glad I have a job

Mofst Edifyingly Erudite Eglantines and Eberhards,

....Nope. Not my style. Worth a try though.

What ho, Watchers!

By my rough calculations, I am currently out of pocket almost two-hundred dollars. No, I did not lose my debit card. No, I wasn't a gamblying my moneys away. No, I haven't hit rock bottom with my alcoholism yet....I can go WAY lower....

I've set aside money for this summer's crop of movies.

The last time I intentionally apportioned money aside for a movie was sophmore year, and the now infamous Shaun of the Dead debacle, which is still one of three reasons I intend to kill Bob Proctor (the other two are mostly due to mafia contracts).

Assuming summer starts in the last week of April (which we all know it does):
The Forbidden Kingdom - The first movie to co-star Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Yes, I'm still 13, I'll still go see that.
Speed Racer - I don't care what you say, this movie is my Passion of the Christ. Ironically, Racer X bleeds on a cross for the final 45 minutes of the movie.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall - I like Judd Apatow movies. You do too. Admit it, McLovin.
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay - Yes, I'm 13. And this is a stupid comedy. But at least the first one was a good stupid comedy. With Neil Patrick Harris!
Iron Man - It looks bad-ass. If only Gwyneth Paltrow could have been removed from this project....
Prince Caspian - I'm sticking to my guns here. When all is said and done, this series will be as good as, if not BETTER THAN Lord of the Rings.
Wall-E - At this point, I just go to see Pixar movies to see if they're EVER going to lay an egg.
Indiana Jones 4 - No breathing human man can refuse this film. Even with Shia The Beef.
Hellboy 2 - There's no defense of this one other than I'm a loser. And I've seen the first one, like, 90 times on FX.
The Incredible Hulk - It's Edward Norton and Tim Roth in a Geek-to-Freak Super Showdown!
The Dark Knight - Sweet Mary Mother of God.....yes. Yes. Yes.
So that's Eleven movies I'm actively making time to go see in a three month period, when I don't ever do that with movies. And I'm sure I'm forgetting at least one movie. That's how good this summer will be.
Now, calculating that it costs me $10.50 for a ticket, plus $5 or so for a soda or a popcorn or something, then assuming I go see these with friends, the inevitable two or three drinks at a bar discussing the movie will cost me $15, give or take, then getting busted by the 5-0 because I was drinking and driving and getting a ticket and bailing myself out will cost me around $250 each time, so.....carry the 9...

I'm actually out $2,931.50.

Shit, I forgot sales tax.

Man, I'm glad I have that job.


Somme are born lier, and how Seth Rogen proved I may just be a Republican

I start a sommelier training class on Saturday, which should be fun AND interesting, as opposed to that shit that's only one or the other. Why can't more things be funformational?

I finally got around to seeing the new Horton Hears a Who movie. It was okay. I'm growing weary of Steve Carell, and I am definitely tired of Jim Carrey. Who decided to pay a physical comedian money for a voice over? Maybe that one is just me.

If you told me today that one of the two versions of this story was going to be locked into a steel safe, and then dropped into a Rube Goldbergian machine of destruction while that cartoon music is playing (you know, the one that they always play when stuff goes through such machines: Da da daaa da daddle la da da, da da daaa daddle la da....Anton once told me what is was called. I forget now), I would without batting an eyelash choose the older one. The conspicuous lack of both a Dr. Whoovey AND a song dedicated to the Wickersham brothers, who in the new version are little more than dumb gorilla mobsters (Thank you, Seussical), make me completely willing to let the new one die.

Then I realized that there is no movie I can immediately think of where I prefer the remake to the original. Not one.

Then I realized that, within the four walls of my local AMC Framingham 16, I am a republican.

I fear change, and inherently resent people who force it on me to bring new perspectives and growth.

John McCain would have my vote TODAY if the ballot box were in a movie theatre, right before Tim Burton's Disney's Alice in Wonderland.

That scares me a little.....but not as much as the original.


1080p inebriation, and the truth about cats and dogs

I can now say I fully understand what the deal with Toulouse-Lautrec was.

I have experienced absinthe.

And let me clarify. I don't believe in working one's way into a drink. One starts off at the top, and if one cannot handle it, then one works their way down.

So the absinthe I had was 70% alcohol by volume (vodka is 40, for a reference point), with 100mg/kg of thujone, the neurotoxin that give absinthe it's unique kick.

And let me be clear, I saw no green fairy.

Experiencing abisnthe to me was like being absolutely plowed in HD. When I get drunk, things tend to go a little fuzzy visually and mentally, and I tend to tire out and eventually crash in some room, wishing everyone would just go the fuck home. Or I leave the bar. Either or. With Absinthe, you're just as plowed, but this Thujone stuff acts as like a stimulant and a clarifier, you know, like mixing astelin (ask your doctor), and cocaine (go right for it). So while I was just as inebriated, I had the clarity to enjoy the euphoria without all the baggage.

I could very much learn to enjoy this drink.

I was watching CBS' the Early Show today (bear with me, I suck), and they had on one of those feel good stories. This one was about a dog with no front legs, that had been trained to walk upright.

An impressive skill. But, come on. There are some feel good stories that just make you feel....bad. I'm thrilled that that dog is still alive and rocking, but don't show him to me. C'mon.

Cats are music.


Working in a supermarket for five days, the circle of hell the Niceans left out

In my effort to supplement the lagging profits of my catering company, I accepted the ultimate shame of working part time at a Stop and Shop in Natick for a few days. Having taken and subsequently left that job for bigger and better things, I can now say my view of humanity is at least three shades dimmer than it was before. A few suggestions to anyone who reads this and shops at a supermarket:
-The Express lane? the one that says 12 items or less? That is not a polite reference, like a restaurant you should really try. Like, seriously. They make the best soup. No, it's a goddamn system. You only go through that line if you have 12 ITEMS OR LESS. If you have 13, and there's no line, then fine, we can take you through. But 26 is not 12. Unless you're a theoretical mathematician of unprecedented ability, and forgive me for assuming you're not.
-Wait until the person before you is done before you start throwing coupons and super-saver cards at the cashier. Yes, you're in a hurry. We know.
-If this is your first time in America over the past five years, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on your inability to know how credit cards work. If it isn't, than what the hell?
-The super-saver card can go on a key-chain. It should be ON YOUR KEYCHAIN. Don't tell me you left it in the car. If you did, you'd be more worried than you are. Just confess you haven't spent the two seconds it takes to get a card and want to use the supermarket's courtesy card. Own your shame.

That should help everyone out some. Here's a fun spring recipe you can do it with or without alcohol (I can't believe I gave you that option):
1/4 cup sugar
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
1/4 cup limeade concentrate or tequila
1/4 cup fresh orange juice or Triple Sec
4 egg yolks
1 teaspoon grated lime zest
1 cup whipping cream

*3 egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream or tartar
1/4 cup sugar


In a medium saucepan, combine 1/4 cup of the sugar, the gelatin, and the salt. Stir in the lemon juice, lime juice, limeade (or tequila), and orange juice (or Triple Sec). Stir well. In a medium glass dish, whip the egg yolks until they are light. Stir in the lime zest. Add to the saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until the gelatin is dissolved, about 3 minutes. Remove from heat. Transfer to a plastic container and allow it to come to room temperature. Cover and refrigerate, stirring occasionally until the mixture has begun to gel, about 30 minutes.For the Meringue:With an electric mixer, beat egg whites with cream of tartar until soft peaks form. Gradually beat in the sugar until stiff. Fold in beaten whipped cream.

Remove custard from refrigerator and fold in the meringue. Place the mixture, when finished folding, back into the refrigerator and let chill.

When serving rim your glass with sugar and pour chilled mousse into glass.

Big Time,

Why I'm A Libertarian, and Other Laments About Disney's Aladdin

William F. Buckley died this week. You may have known him when he was alive. Or you've seen him in death on The Colbert Report or any other number of shows. I shall always remember him not as a conservative pundit, nor as a Yale Man, Nor even as a drinker of legendary proportions that I could never live up to. I shall always remember him as a character played by the Genie in Aladdin.
He was the one that said "Um, Master, there are certain provisos, a couple of quid pro quos." With the Bowtie and the goofy teeth. You remember him. C'mon, let's face it, if you're reading this, I could reference Song of The Freaking South and half of you would know which late 40s racist, Uncle Remusy film I was talking about.
All the articles and eulogies about him have lamented the lack of intellectual conservatism. And it's true. There are no more smart conservatives of his sheer charisma to counter the collective utter jackassery of Lou Dobbs, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Pap Bear O'Reilly. But it also bears noting that most liberals are evolving too. While once liberals were impassioned, fervent, unapologetically real people, they've evolved into a detached, smug, holier-than-thou group of pedants who when countered with anything look as though they were just told by a five year-old that the earth is filled with P'sghetti-Os. (NO ONE TAKES THAT CHILDHOOD DREAM AWAY FROM ME!)
Watching politics now for me is like watching one of those mish-mash movies of the seventies where they would force two disparate plots together and make them work. This One is Like The Island of Dr. Moreau's Time Machine. It's like simulatneoulsy watching two men devolve into what the other perceives them to be. One a comically brutish ape, the other an obliviously blithe and smug intellectual.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, in this country, I have no political affiliation. In fact I'm starting to see the logic of Ben Franklin's essays in response to Rousseau, in which he said that "Politics, particularly Popular Politics, is the fastest way to prove that mankind and apes are not so different."
Democracy does not work in this country, in this form, anymore. If the 08 election was Democracy v. Another Alternative, I honestly think Democracy wouldn't pull a 75% majority. Not because the system is flawed. All things are flawed. If I ever see a perfect anything, I'm going to scuff it a little, even if only I know it's there. The system accentuates and aggrevates flaws, and in doing so poisons everything it tries to accomplish.
William F. Buckley managed to for forty or so years hold back this tide through his sheer charisma and his undefinability. We need another one of him, if only to pass along these problems to our children. Because, let's be honest, they're already boned.

Someone named "Starsistar" asked for this.....

No idea who you are, but here is a good wheat-free dessert recipe:

*I originally did the measurements in grams in my kitchen. I appreciate most of you didn't gank some columbian drug-lords scales to keep in your kitchen, so I've converted as best I can. Praise Allah! Hahahahah, Homonym. Good Stuff. Better end this before it drags on.*

3 med. eggs
110g (a little less than half a cup) golden caster sugar
50g (a quarter cup) ground almonds
25g (1 3/4 tbsps) cornflour
2-3 drops almond extract
800g (3 1/2 cups) apricot halves in juice, drained
1 tbsp brandy

11g sachet gelatine (a small pack of gelatin)
50g (a quarter cup) golden caster sugar
2 med. egg whites
300ml (1 1/3 cups) double cream
icing sugar to dust

Line a 9 " spring clip baking tin with baking parchment.
Place the eggs and sugar in a large bowl over a pan of hot water. Whisk the mixture until thick enough to leave a ribbon trail when the whisk is lifted out. Fold in the ground almonds, cornflour and almond extract with 2 tbsp of hot water.
Pour into the prepared tin and bake for 20 - 25 minutes or until sponge bounces back when lightly touched in the centre. Leave to cool and then remove from the tin.
Line a 20 cm 8 " spring clip baking tin with clear film. Then using the base of the tin as a guide, trim the sponge to fit the tin. Cut the sponge in half horizontally and place one half in the base of the tin. Arrange enough apricots over the sponge to cover it, sprinkle over the brandy and set aside.
Now make the filling. In a small bowl sprinkle the gelatine over 3 tbsp cold water and leave until spongy, then stand the bowl in a pan of hot water and stir until dissolved. If you are using vegetarian gelatine then follow the packets instructions. Leave to cool.
Place remaining apricots in a food processor with the caster sugar and blend until smooth. Transfer to a bowl. Whisk the egg whites and cream in a separate bowl until just stiff. Working quickly stir the cold gelatine into the puréed apricots, then fold in the cream and egg whites. Pour the mixture into the tin over the apricot halves, and chill for 1 hour.
Place the second sponge on top and chill for a further 2 hours.
Remove from the tin carefully, as it will be quite fragile, dust with icing sugar and serve.

And there is my wheat-free Apricot Torte. Suck it people who cannot make things without "real flour".

Belated Literary Criticisms and Recipes, as well as a dash of politics

As promised in my last post (which, though below, technically precedes this post. It's complicated. Bear with me.) I shall now follow through on another recipe and pretend to be literate, in that order:

A New Anise Cookie Recipe I Have Been Working On (Name in Progress):
1/2 c. butter
1/2 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
4 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. anise extract
1 tsp. lemon extract
1 tsp. vanilla extract
4 c. flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda

Frosting for aforementioned cookies:
2 c. confectioners' sugar
2-3 tbsp. milk
1 tsp. any of extracts
Melt shortening and butter and cool. Mix eggs, sugar, anise, lemon and vanilla. Blend in melted shortening. Add flour, baking powder and baking soda. Mix well until it forms a soft dough. Dough will be easier to work with when cool. Place spoonful on cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 15-20 minutes.
Mix confectioners' sugar, milk and extract to form desired consistency and drizzle on warm cookies.

In Terms of What I am reading, I am currently immersed in editing The Complete Dramatic Works of a friend of mine, A Messr. G. Fielding. So that's taking up a lot of my time.

Politics are stupid. All the candidates give me no hope that the system, which is broken beyond repair, can ever be rendered useful again. As some of you have heard me lecture before, I want a new landed aristocracy running large parcels of land dictated mostly by population. 26 families who can be appointed by America (The Kennedys, The Wahlbergs, The 50 Freaking Osmonds), and then those families remake a modern Feudal system with one of them serving as a titular overlord. I shall call it: Magna Kickass.

All I ask in return is a small fiefdom of my own somewhere in the pacific northwest. On the shore maybe?


The Oscars, Literary Criticism, Recipes, and Other Panderings to the Four People who Read This Thing

What hoe?

That hoe, noble readers! (indicates farming implement offstage)

Ah, an oldie but a goodie.

Anyhoo, let's get down to brass tacks.

The Oscars happened, and were the lowest rated in the show's history. Now some say this is because no "mainstream" film (One that made more than 100 million) was nominated for a major award other than Juno, but I have a different theory. It goes like this:

Jon Stewart isn't that funny.

There. Another dark secret off my dark, secretive chest. I don't find him funny anymore. He comes off as smarmy and smug and generally unlikable to the average American who doesn't watch his show with Born-Again Christian Zeal. And spare me that he only had a week or so to write the show. He was only responsible for what he said, not the nominees (they had a seperate writing staff), and he brought in his entire Daily Show writer's staff. One week to write maybe 45 minutes of material. And that's the best his team can do. I grow wearier of him every day.

In terms of what transpired at said Oscars My thoughts are thus:

- Javier Bardem and Daniel Day-Lewis are like Gods unto me. They deserved their awards.
- Thank God The Academy didn't fall into it's two traps I hate most: Fawning over British Actors and awarding people major awards for "body of work". That's BULLSHIT. Either your one performance is good enough, Julie Christie, or you wait for your lifetime achievement award. Bravo pour donnez le Oscar a Marion Cotillard, Academie.
- The Coen Brothers dominated the triad of best picture, director, and adapted screenplay, which I frankly thought would all go to There Will Be Blood. But Good for them.
- I still didn't like Diablo Cody's script enough to give her the Oscar.
- The song from Once (which I hadn't seen), blew me away.
- Sweeney Todd DID NOT deserve Best Art Direction. I stand by my thoughts on Tim Burton, who shouldn't be allowed back at the Oscars until I'm given another Ed Wood.
- Good to see The Bourne Ultimatum get some awards. I very much liked that trilogy.
- Also, did anyone see the ads for this new Horton Hears a Who Movie? Why can't they let some classics alone? I expect an apology, Messrs. Carrell and Carrey.

Literary Criticism and new Witner Recipes to follow,
RM's not Just for Helmets Anymore

Hello Internet Viewers!

Today on my video blog*, I'd like to catch you up to what's been going on in my life since basically December, which was the last time I really posted with any reason or rhyme.

I left Kenyon under rather hurried circumstances, to address a family issue which had been building to a head for some months and eventually required my direct attention. On my way home, I stopped by my good friend and unofficial biographer Nathaniel J. Ewert-Krocker's stately Ohio Manse. While there, some unpleasantness arose between me and the local constabulary over the minutae of past charitable donations to the court systems, which was resolved in a matter of hours although, unfortunately, these hours were spent with some miscreants. However, they were friendly miscreants, and all was well.

On my way out of Ohio, and driving across New York, an unpleasant dialogue between my tires and the road on the subject of traction over ice while changing lanes and, Woe is your poor hero, I crashed into a tree at 40mph. Whilst I felt some great chagrin over the situation I was in, the paramedical staff were kind and attentive, and at the end of the day, though I was down a car and had a broken nose, multiple contusions, and a torn PCL, I had managed to save my decorative collection of antique tin toys. The day, in total, was a success.

After Family crises and Christmas, which all blend together into a prescription pain-killer induced phog of euphoria (I call it Euphorifog), i came home with the prospect of time on my hands for six months. This is about where you pick up new information so if you skipped the previous paragraphs because you already heard what happened, listen up:

My catering work continues, albeit not as smoothly as I would have liked for two reasons. One is that my primary financial backer has decided to buy a car for his college bound youngest born, leaving me once again with only my pittance of savings to start said company. The other is that focus groups have decided the name (see earlier entries subj: JFD) of my company sounds more like the contractors who make Frisch's Big Boy than a catering company, and have recommended I change it. Temporarily taking it under advisement, I have named the newly formed dessert wing of my culinary empire Utopiate, and continue to hope for the best.

This Valentines Day I made approximately 1,200 individually portioned desserts/tarts/cookies to sell, and have managed to sell all but ten. I am considering autographing them and putting them on eBay.

Other than that, I watch movies, drink, take long walks on the beach, go to classes at BC, rehab my knee at my old high school (I can use their equipt. free...) and generally don't post on this website because getting internet access in my house is not so much a convenience but a TASK SET FOR HERCULES HIMSELF!

Curious about a previous point? Did I fail to describe something of interest to you, Critic VonKritticheim, 17th Viscount of Crittichea? Drop me a line


*=may or may not be a video blog.

I'm not dead yet.

Just very busy. More to come.