Baby, I'm Sorry

I often find that I am a foolish bastard. No, no, don't defend me. I am quick to judgment and to condemn and have a tendency to act first and think later. However, I'm not too proud to know when I'm wrong.

I'm sorry, Disney.

I still love you, if it's even possible, I love you more every day. I just want you to be happy. And if you think Tim Burton can give your Alice a face lift, then I understand and support you.

Why am I being so forgiving, you ask?

Three reasons: One, heavy use of valium. But that's not important right now. The second is your eponymously enchanting Enchanted. It does my heart good knowing that with this movie, you have permanently wrested both the child-epic and modern fantasy away from Dreamworks, New Line, and any other bastards who would try. If your movie has a princess, you now officially have to go through Disney to do it right. Sure, you can go to other film companies. But know full well you're dealing with the people who made Doogal and Hoodwink'd. It's even more wondrous that not only did you take your woman back, Disney, but you also masterfully satired yourself in the process. This movie, more than any other Disney movie of the past 3 years, shows me what Disney will be in the wake of The Eisner Affair, as it shall henceforth be known to me. I have nothing but the highest hopes for the future, which brings me to point three.
Three: You have returned to your bread and butter. With information trickling in about your two newest animated projects, The Princess and the Frog and Rapunzel, you have returned to classic fairy tales, with full scores and 2-D animation, While not forgetting the lessons of the past, learning the value of stylizing (Hercules) and Contemporary Storytelling (Treasure Planet [This was one of those learn from your mistakes kind of things]). If you haven't heard about The Princess and The Frog, it is essentially The Frog Princess set in Jazz Age New Orleans, with a predominantly creole-jazz and African-American interpretation.

How bad-ass does THAT sound? Disney, you shall always be my one true love.

On that note, I wish to resurrect two of my favorite Disney Games:
The first is Hero/Villain/Sidekick (This means any secondary character, but sidekick is catchier)

Wiry has already placed his on his facebook, but I shall transcribe them here:
1. Hero = Belle (Beauty and the Beast)
2. Villain = Scar (Lion King)
3. Supporting Character = Clopin (Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Mine follow immediately:
1. Hero= Oliver ( Oliver and Comapny)
2. Villain= Rattigan (Great Mouse Detective)
3. Sidekick= Thumper (Bambi)

What are yours? Think I got mine wrong? Let's start a discussion.

Also, my compilation of Mixed Drinks based on every Disney movie begins again, starting with the first five:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Also, let's keep the jokes about shots and Bambi's Mom to a minimum. No, I'm kidding. Fire away! Ba-zing!

One last thing. I was reading a fellow blogger's thoughts on life after our common alma-mater (well, most of us anyway), and how the period in time immediately after college is the scariest time in your life. Now, I cannot confess to have had a relatively scary life. I have never seen a vampire, though many goth kids; I've never been stalked based on the events of my previous summer; And I have never been chained to a water pipe, forced to share a dilapidated men's urinal with Cary Elwes (although....mmmm). I lost focus there. The message I can impart is this: The time out there is just like the time in here at Kenyon. It is what you make of it. I experienced the Real World a little early, then came back to an entirely different College experience. I know how scary and how unprepared you can feel when you're out there on your own for the first time. And I can't say that I've experienced what you're experiencing, so I could well be full of shit; But Kenyon affords you the great opportunity of only being limited by your ability out in the real world, and Kenyon doesn't accept people without exceptional ability. The Real World offers you so many things that Kenyon can't: "Normal" Dating, access to independent films, a paying job that doesn't involve calling alumni, new people and experiences that are only limited by your desire to take advantage of them. And that goes for college, too. For any phase of your life. You are only limited by desire and ability. Life cannot be experienced if you are afraid to experience it. And that's something we've all been guilty of before and will be again. Everyone is scared at some point. But don't let that fear that strikes everyone turn into hesitance, or worse, reluctance. Those will kill you. Because there's nothing worse than looking back at what you could've done at some point in your life.

Unless it's looking back and seeing the dude with the hook right behind you. Then you run. Hard.



Tim Burton, you are FUCKING DEAD TO ME

As some of you may have gleaned in the tone of my previous piece, I am not in a very happy place right now. But, with the help of tea and deep-breathing exercises, I was making progress. Then THIS, THIS FUCKING HAPPENS.

If you can't read the link, or have read it and still don't understand why I'm upset. Let me spell this out for you....


No, I am not overreacting. This has got to come out, and if I'm the one hung for it, fine.

Tim Burton is the biggest goddamn grifter in Hollywood. Moreso even than Michael Bay. Here's why. Tim Burton hasn't made an artistically provoking film since Edward Scissorhands. He has become Hollywood's Pimp. Want Johnny Depp? Go talk to Papa Timmy. Want HBC? Talk to Timmy. Want Goofy shit in your movie? Bend over.
I once was under the impression that he was a talented director. I subsequently amended that and gave him credit as a talented visual designer. Then, I realized he was a fucking grifter who has parlayed his good name on poor lighting, acid trips, and a gaggle of stupid fucking teens who think this makes him a misunderstood, hurt, brilliant artist.

No, he's a conman with a stupid fucking haircut.

Jesus! In some countries this man would be dead for what he's done to cinema.

And don't get me started on how he's empowered the Hot Topic generation.

You want to talk hypocrisy? When a generation shits on their predecessors for being inflexible and invulnerable to criticism, and then when you say to them that you think AFI sounds like a cat being put through a sausage grinder, you "just don't get it."

You're shaping up to be Dubya II: Gothic Boogaloo. Enjoy that truth, junior.

And Sweeney Todd? Guess what? It's gonna suck. From his end, at least. I'll give you the three adjectives that describe all the shots I've seen:

Poorly Lit.
No difference in cinematography between it and Superman Returns.

Last one was a little long, but wait until it comes out. Walk away, come back to me, and honestly tell me if you think he did his supposed job for this one.

I say supposed job. His actual job?

Wanna know why he was hired? Because he could get Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter faster than Warner Bros. could undo his belt and suck his dick.

Seriously. If shitty lighting and angsty looking makeup and set design are all you need to be a counter-culture film icon, I know at least a thousand people on youtube who should be directing Sweeney Todd.

Now let's move on to his materials. Do I have a soft-spot for Alice in Wonderland? Certainly. But I'd be just as pissed if this man touched ANYTHING Disney ever made that didn't start in N and end in ightmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton's Little Mermaid? Tim Burton's Beauty and the Beast? hey, Disney, I've got an idea, let me get Eli Roth on the phone to do Snow White. I could get Tarantino to start working on a draft of Hunchback. Oh, let's have Oliver Stone take a whack at Aladdin! No harm in destroying your good name there, right?

Fuck, every Disney ever, even Elias Disney, Walt's furniture-making Pappy, are doing triple-lutzes six feet ender right now.

You can openly call me a fascist son of a bitch if you want, and I will accept that that is where my viewpoints have led me, but why do we have to fuck with shit that isn't broken? Hmm? Disney movies are a cultural institution. Not for America. For the World. Where do you think Hayao Miyazaki would be if it weren't for Steamboat Willie? Disney didn't just pioneer animation. They did. They also probably played one of the largest parts in helping to shape the American Musical for the past 70 some-odd years, along with Rodgers and Hammerstein and some of the other great lyrical teams of Broadway's infancy. And I can understand if there's one or two Disney movies you'd want another crack at. Some aren't immortal. You know, a lot aren't meant to be. But Alice in Wonderland is in that elite upper echelon with Beauty and The Beast, and The Little Mermaid, and Pinocchio, and Cinderella, where you just don't fuck with them. Not never interpret the stories again. Just, you know, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM DISNEY'S VERSIONS OF THEM.

And also, how pretentious a son of a bitch do you have to be to put "Tim Burton's" before anything? Like we're going to confuse your poorly lit Batman with Christopher Nolan's. We won't. His had direction.

Why do we as a culture have to darken everything? Why is it that, when we reach sixteen, we feel secretly guilty about still being attached to our childhood joys, so we get shitheads like Todd MacFarlane to do them up in bondage ? Do you realize it's our shame over still sleeping with Care Bears that keeps these assholes in business? That the time you put Mr. Snugglekins away because your friend Krissie called you a little girl is why American McGee drives a Benzo and wears italian suits, not a DuckTales shirt that he got on (Oh, it's there, apparently Magica McQuack is the new poster child for Goth Children. Those fuckers.); And now, when our childhood will be further perverted by this goddamn sonofabitch con-man Tim Burton, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.

We could've stopped him.

We could've stopped him at Batman Returns, Mars Attacks, Big Fish or Planet of The Apes.

We shouldn't have given him get out of Jail cards for The Corpse Bride or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory or Sleepy Hollow.

Because now he's not just laughing to the bank. He's laughing to the vault where we keep our childhoods.

That asshole has officially become the boogeyman.

And spare me, the perennial excuse that Victorian London is supposed to look Gothic. It was remarkably well-lit and clean by world standards at the time.

You know what's fucking Gothic?

Watching your childhood rot away before your very eyes.


If I EVER see Tim Burton at Disneyland, or even in person, he's gonna get a swift and terrible kick of vengeance right in the cock from,

Comic Book Fans Are Killing Kiernan Mulroney

I have a friend (Travis Fickett) who used to work with me at the now-defunct who has since moved on to internet trouble-child Every now and then, he sends me some stuff on what he's talking to and about. Right now, he's whoring himself out for information on the new Thor and Justice League movies. One of my personal favorite rumors he proposed was that Shawn Ashmore, formerly known as Bobby Drake (X1-3), and Michael Rosenbaum (Smallville's Lex Luthor) were the two main competitors for the role of The Flash in the upcoming film. Rosenbaum, who voiced the flash in the Justice League Animated Series, seems the favorable choice, though he is being roundly panned by comic book aficianados.
Now, I am not in the pocket of movie production companies (see The Golden Compass Letter), but fan-boys, you have got to fucking stop. I'm serious. There's no fucking pleasing you. And before you say that so and so made you happy, or that you liked such and such a movie, here are some fun facts for you to ingest.
Let's start with Sin City and 300, the twin jewels in the crown of the "hip comic fan". Are they good comics? Certainly. Well written and well drawn. Let's take a look at the reviews. has a great link to gross numbers for every movie as well as a link to a website that cross-compares critical reviews with reviews from people on the street from some polling service most movie companies use after limited releases and test showings. They also, in the case of specialty movies (i.e. historical/based on a well known show or book/comic) grade fan opinion.
Average Critical Score for Sin City/300: B/B-
Average Consumer Score: C/B-
Average Fan Score: B-/B-

Now, where am I going with this? Those were the BEST averages amongst all comic movies of the past decade, excepting Batman Begins, which we can chalk up as a most welcome mistake. Every other comic book movie had at least TWO of those groups giving the movie a C- or lower. And guess where the average LOWEST grade comes from? That's right. You bastards.

You are the ones ruining your beloved comic book movies.

Here's the problem as I see it (please feel free to rebut). The comic is the most inexpensive epic medium imaginable. 90% of the work can be done by two guys alone in a room (preferably darkened parent's basement). One needs to be able to draw. The other needs to be able to come up with a storyline that is in keeping with 60 years of comic history (all of which he has mylar triple-sealed somewhere), or in inventing a new universe where he can write whatever the fuck he wants. (Gay Colossus? Sabretooth with Adamantium Claws? An Incestuous Relationship between Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch? Sure, we'll just call it ultimate. Make it Earth 2616 or something nutty like that.) That's it. That and publishing costs. See, in Comics, an epic storyline that involves the melting of Earth in a giant fondue pot costs about 25 dollars. In the movie industry, that can't even by a pack of gum for Brett Ratner.

Movies are a business. Art is a business. From the dawn of time. The first moment that a caveman realised he needed to buy more berry juice to smear on his cave walls, it became a business. Does that mean that art has no soul? Hell no. It can and should be a glorious medium bent on evoking the most primal and glorious reactions and responses from the human soul. But to do that in Hollywood, you better have at least 50 million. At least.

And yes, most of the movies clear their production costs. But you have to understand. These are the movies that are supposed to clear the bases. All the lousy romantic comedies that lose 5 million each? This is where they make their money back. And you can't just break even. Not if you ever want to see a movie ever again. They need to make a profit.

Justice League is already shaping up to be the biggest laugh since Entourage's faux-Aquaman or X3. But you comic book fans killed that one. The team that brought you the (according to comic fans) "Mediocre and Mediocre +", scripts of X and X2 were tired of the relentless harrying they were getting from producers. See, if they went all the way to one end of the spectrum ( a Comic fan's wet dream with ideal casting, fx and dialogue), it'd be way to expensive and inefficient. And if they went the other way, they'd still get shit on by the producers for not being marketable enough to comic fans.

See, that's the part none of you realize. They LISTEN to you.

Do you want to know why X-Men: The Last Stand was so bad? Because they put out a poll in several comic magazines and to several "well-known" people in the comic fan-base as to what they'd like to see in the sequels. There was a public outcry to see Jean Grey as Phoenix. Well how the shit are they supposed to do that without dropping another quarter billion on a space movie with Shi'ar and shit? hmm? People wanted to see the coming war between mutants and humans. But there simply wasn't a good one on the books at Marvel. And even if there WAS, guess who gets a producer's credit? Whoever wrote that storyline in the original comics. That was why the whole cure thing was written? Why wasn't Juggernaut magical? Why wasn't his backstory with Xavier identified? That's 30 minutes of movie they didn't have to explain. Why was Pyro introduced as a student? Easiest way to work him into the storyline. Why no Gambit? What, do you want this movie to be five fricking hours? It's not a comic. It's not an animated series. It's a two and a half (at most) movie that is doing the best it can with what it's got in the time it is given. And that's why the Phoenix storyline was butchered. Because they thought you wanted it, but just couldn't give it to you the exact way you wanted it. It got you the iPod you wanted for your birthday, but the fuckers got you one in green. You wanted pink.

The sheer volume of comics will inevitably satisfy you in one way or another if you're a comic book fan. The upcoming Thor movie will be in progress for 24 months before they get a crack at satisfying you. See the disparity?

The movie studios are confident that an okay, easy-enough-to follow script with some fun action and actors will cover their overhead and break even in the box-office. But YOU people are the ones that enable them to make sequels. And DVD sales. And game tie-ins for your XBoxes and your Wees and Your Sony Idon'tknowwhats.

They want to please you. But you need to stop expecting an orgasm every movie. It's just not going to happen.

You need to appreciate that this is a business, and not every movie can be Batman Begins. In fact, The reason Batman is so easy to do is that They only have to deal with two producers, the estate of Bob Kane and DC. And one of them is dead with a son happy to get a check and doesn't care about storylines, and DC is just thrilled to have a movie made again, so they're cheap dates. Do you know how many producers Justice League will require?

9. And that's assuming that Martian Manhunter and Hawkgirl cause no trouble. Nine producers. Figure between them, and the studio, and the director, that those writers, who work so goddamn hard to please you, are going to make anything other than like 8 margaritas and break down crying? Not a chance.

Comics are the best medium for what they do. It's simple, cost-effective, and allows for creative minds to do their thing in an epic universe. It's just not that simple in movies.

So you all need to cut them some fucking slack. They're doing their best. And yes, hopefully Iron Man will be great. And no, the new Hulk Movie probably won't be. But that's the price of putting comics on screen.

Comics are Ma and Pa Kent's Farm.
Movies are Metropolis.

So realize that you aren't in fucking Kansas anymore, this is the big leagues, and take a goddamn pill.


Thanksgiving fun from The PMRM Kitchen Korner....

(You are in the sitting room of The Post-Modern Renaissance Man. There are some old books, furniture, a Strawberry Shortcake Word Search book, and a statue of The Swedish Chef.)

(Examine the statue of the Swedish Chef? [Press A])

(You examine the Statue. There is a button hidden under his hat. Press the button? [Press A])

(A Wall recesses, and you can smell burning bread and hear the tormented wails of a thousand dead turkeys. You descend the spiral staircase, and just as you are about to enter, there is an explosion!)

(From a giant cloud of flour, you hear)

Who's There?

(The flour settles, and you are in the Post-Modern Renaissance Man's kitchen!)

Oh, hello there chum. Happy Bird-Day!

(He begins dusting himself off)

Are you, like me, facing the prospect of a thanksgiving without family for the first time in a long time? Facing limited numbers? A bunch of friends, all insecure about the day that is the culinary equivalent of a penis-size competition? I've been there. But there's no reason for dismay! Here, check out some of these kick ass, delicious, fun and easy recipes, all created by yours truly that can make your first St. Turktrick's Day alone the bomb, can be fun to make with friends, or are even a great addition to family traditions!

Ready? [Press A]

Rock On!

Peanut-Fried Turkey Breasts

2-6 8 oz turkey breasts
Peanut Oil.

So, one of the wonderful culinary traditions I picked up in my time in IN (along with the fried twinkie) is this. And even if you are allergic to peanuts (you know who you are), this is still a great way to prepare turkey, and economical. Most major supermarkets have, at least at this time of the year, fresh or frozen turkey breasts instead of the whole bird. While fresh is always preferable, turkey is one of the best birds for freezing, so the loss of flavor and texture is minimal in comparison to chicken or duck. Ideally, You'd have a fryer for this recipe, as it will cook the inside of the breasts quicker and provide less chance burning than in a pan. If you can get your hands on a fryer, use however many cups of oil it recommends for chicken (mine is two), and cook in there for 15 minutes, or until the interior temperature of the meat is around 170 degrees. If using a pan, cook for 8-10 minutes on either side on medium, with about 2 tbsp. of oil. Be wary of burning!
This dish, when done, is delicious with rice, or even just a simple salad. Let the nutty goodness speak for itself, and don't tarnish it with cranberries or other dressings.


Ha ha ha, word fusion. Seriously though, so many fall vegetables cook SO WELL over an open fire, and if you have a grill, or if not, just an oven, you can make delicious, seasonal turkey, yam and squash kabobs.
2 8oz turkey breasts
2 large yams
one butternut quash.

So, there are three ways to do this. First, the prep is the same. Cut the turkey into 1-1/2 inch cubes. Then, do the same for the yams and the squash. If they are mature, you should have no problem cutting them. If they aren't, bake them in the oven for around 30 minutes at 350 degrees, checking every so often with a toothpick. Once their consistency is like the turkey, you're good to go.
Assembling Kabobs, if you've never done it, is awesome. It's tons of fun, and enables you to go as heavy, or as light, on various ingredients as you want. If you don't have special kabob skewers (2nd on the most frivolous kitchen tool of all time, behind only the ravioli crimper), just go to the supermarket, and, like I do, buy a bazillion bamboo skewers for like, two dollars. They're just as good.
Now, for cooking, the ideal way for flavor is grilling. if you have a grill, just light that fucker up and put those puppies on, flipping every seven or so minutes until they look and feel done. If you don't have one, just wrap each in tin-foil and either broil them for 20 minutes, or cook for 25 minutes at 350 degrees, checking after ten minutes. Then remove and enjoy. Again, these are best served with a basmati rice, or the recipe below.

Apple-Cranberry Sausage Stuffing

Stuffing is irrefutable proof that God loves man; The Apple and the Cranberry are proof that New England fall fruits are superior to any other regional type (I defy you, Ohio apple enthusiasts!); The pretty good too. Combine them all, and you have an awesome side dish, or, if you're doing a full roasting turkey, an excellent flavor enhancer.
1 1/2 cups cubed whole wheat bread
3 3/4 cups cubed white bread
1 pound ground turkey sausage
1 cup chopped onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
2 1/2 teaspoons dried sage
1 1/2 teaspoons dried rosemary
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1 Golden Delicious apple, cored and chopped
3/4 cup dried cranberries
1/3 cup minced fresh parsley
1 cooked turkey liver, finely chopped (optional, and really only practical if you have a whole roaster)
3/4 cup turkey stock (the stuff you use the baster for if you're roasting. If not, chicken broth is cool)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
Preheat your oven to 350 degree F (175 degree C). Spread the white and whole wheat bread cubes in a single layer on a large baking sheet. Bake for 5 to 7 minutes in the preheated oven, or until evenly toasted. Transfer the toasted bread cubes to a large bowl.
In a large skillet, cook the sausage and onions over medium heat, stirring and breaking up the lumps until evenly browned. Add the celery, sage, rosemary, and thyme; cook, stirring, for 2 minutes to blend flavors.

Pour sausage mixture over bread in bowl. Mix in chopped apples, dried cranberries, parsley, and liver. Drizzle with turkey stock and melted butter, and mix lightly. If roasting, spoon into turkey to loosely fill.
FUN TIP: If you can get it, try using hawaiian bread instead of white!

Chopped Maple Squash

This one comes from my Mother, Necessity. She has mastered this simple and delicious recipe, so check it out!

Simply buy a whole butternut squash, cut it in half, and hollow out the core. fill said core with maple syrup, and let bake at 350 for 20 minutes! That's it, and it's delish!

For Dessert.....
Pumpkin Bread Pudding!

(As a conciliation for all those of you who have peanut allergies, but love bread pudding)

For those of you who haven't clocked serious time in North Florida, as I have, they are psychos about two things, Tim Tebow and Bread Pudding. (Don't know who Tim Tebow is? Watch SportsCenter, you sissy) Anyhow, They are crazy about their bread pudding, which I have adapted to my New England sensibilities and fruits, and now pass onto you.
This recipe lusts for:
8 oz French Bread, torn into small pieces (5 cups or so)
2 c. half and half
3 large eggs
2/3 c. granulated sugar
2/3 c. brown sugar
1 can Pumpkin Puree (this is preferable to fresh, which by Thanksgiving has usually past it's prime)
1 c. dried cranberries
3 tbsp melted butter
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp vanilla
cinnamon-sugar (optional)

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and butter an 11x7 baking dish. Then, in a bowl, cover the torn bread with the half and half and set it aside. In another bowl, combine the eggs, sugars, pumpkin, cranberries, melted butter, the spices and vanilla. Blend that shit.
Pour this mixture over the soaked bread and stir to blend. Pour this into the baking dish and top with the cinnamon sugar if desired. Bake for 45 to 60 minutes, or until set. Serve with whipped cream!

Well, I hope that helps you a little with your Turkey Day Cooking.

(There is the sound of gobbling in the refrigerator)

Oh, that reminds me I need to my turkey. Well, have fun! And remember, if you do get into a competitive turkey cooking/penis size competition, the average turkey is 5-1/2 inches cooked from beak to drumstick.

(Produces a sharp wood ax)

Happy Thanksgiving! Or, in the past tense, Thanksgaving!

(Turns to the Refrigerator)
C'mere you little fuckerball!

(Save now? [Press A])


Coming to the Boston Metro-West, Spring 2008


This time, it's for real.

On Being An Emotional Lycanthrope, Friends and Family, Business, and Chimchar

I appeal to you, oh readers, for patience and understanding.

Should you choose to skip ahead to wit, please skip until the paragraph that starts with the asterisk (*) in front of it.

If you know me (and, odds are if you are reading this you do), you know I emotional sort of cove. I feel no reason to deny this. Some may call it even more extreme, some might even call me a time bomb. I disagree whole-heartedly with them, but I understand where they are coming from. I wear my heart on my sleeve (the history, or lack thereof, of me losing my shirt will be discussed at a later date). I see no reason to hide this nature. I embrace it. I'm sure you feel as I do more often than you might think.
Have you, oh readers, ever woken up one morning feeling cranky? Of course you have. You aren't feeling well. You didn't finish some work or something that needed to be done. You got into a fight. You didn't sleep well. You have low blood sugar. Any number of reasons. You woke up one morning not feeling right.
Establishing that, have you also ever, upon realizing that you are cranky, feel this crankiness evolve into a feral distrust of your friends and family? An animal-like reaction that today is the day that no one comes near me, or they will get what's coming to them. you feel yourself, in your mind, baring your teeth at people who try. And today is the day that you remember all those things that you filed away. All those times your friends said or did something insensitive, or neglectful, or hurtful. However unintentional their hurt may have been, it all comes to the surface. And today is the day that, should they do it again, you are ready to wheel on them, and finally call them "Liar!", or "Fake!"; Deceiver! Selfish! Arrogant! Untalented! Stupid! Demented! Unfunny!....all those things that, at the time, you repressed or filed away as something that shouldn't be said and forgave the person in question.
But not today. Today, like a bounty hunter out of a USA Network Direct-to-TV movie, you have no forgiveness or patience. It is gone. The part of your brain that doles out benefits of a doubt, and is willing to look the other way isn't there. Today there is only the animal inside your mind. Caged by your reason, bated with pointed sticks every time you were hurt. Today it is in control. And you hope your friends don't say the wrong thing. Though the animal inside you does. He relishes confrontation. He wants to say those things. And today, he is in control.....
Never had that, hunh?
Me neither.
I'm just having one of those days.

*My business, newly reformed under the working title of Juniper Food Designs, or JFD, continues slowly. I have filed forms for bankruptcy of my old company, liquidated most of my assets (Is a 5$ garage sale pot an asset? YES! Says the Gov't), and taken that money, along with money donated by several devotees of my last company to begin laying the groundwork of my new one, which right now is mostly forms. More on that to come.

My Chimchar (Gauguin) and I are fucking up Sinnoh like it's our job. While it currently bears a striking resemblance to the Hokkaido prefecture, when I'm done it'll be more like the Sukkaido prefecture! Hi-Yo!


A Brief Glimpse into a Very Sick Mind....

The Flu has laid waste to the fertile, serf-tilled valley of my mind and body the past few days, hence the lack of posting.

However, allow me to give you a brief glimpse into my disease addled brain with this transcribed inner monologue:
(Staring at Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
I wonder if Gary Oldman ever gets sick?
I doubt it. He seems like he takes good care of himself.
I don't like the taste of Orange Juice when I'm sick.
How did Oranges get the sweet deal of being "the sick juice"?
Why couldn't cranberry get that? They got "urinal tract tidiness". That sucks.
I wonder if Rupert Grint will ever get work after theses movies. Probably not.
Grint. Grint grint grint grint. Grint. Zinc. Grintzinc. Zincgrint. Zinc.
If ever there was an Adam West Batman sound effect.....
Zinc! Pow! Thwack! Sploosh!
I wonder how the sixth movie will turn out?
Why do they keep marketing Hermione as jailbait to 35 year old Harry Potter fans?
Is there a section of Azkaban for underage Wizard molestation?
I wish I had some cranberry juice.
I'm stuck with this orange shit.
I wonder if they've mixed cranberry juice and orange juice yet.
I'm gonna try it.
No, it sounds disgusting.
I should get chicken soup.
On second thought, I'll just pour a salt shaker down my throat and cut out the middle man.
I like David Thewlis.
Oh, movie's over.
I guess I'll watch Goblet of Fire.
....I wonder if David Tennant ever gets sick?
Probably not. He's The Doctor.


As Per Usual, My First Thought is Deep Blue Something....

My Friend Dave was in town today, and he has the hottest job in America since "The Sun's Bikini Inspector" was outsourced to Luxembourg.
He works over at Harmonix, the people who brought you Guitar Hero. The people who are currently responsible for Rock Band, which comes out in a few weeks. He had an advance copy and his XBox 360. I had two other friends itching to rock.

And Rock we did. Hard.

Despite the fact that the new Super Smash Bros. game trailer has replaced porn for me, and the high hopes I have for the new Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, I am convinced that this is and will be the biggest multi-player game for the next gen for some time.

The game play is familiar to anyone who played Guitar Hero, yet inventive. The song selection, as always, was impeccable. And his hints that the game system would have a downloadable library on 360 Live down the road only made me pray that Breakfast At Tiffany's or Hey Jealousy could be downloaded and played by me and three friends, who I would eventually abandon to a mediocre solo career after years of infidelity and drug abuse.

Yes, it's THAT interactive.

Rocking in the Free World,

On Birthdays and Miniature Cakes

Like many teenagers, by the time I turned 16, I didn't want my birthday to be "a big deal". My past 7 birthdays have gone thusly:
16.) Football game, fractured foot, iced, went home, fell asleep before birthday dinner. Woke up next morning.
17.) Three friends and I went to go see Black Hawk Down. Got pizza. I was the only one with money, so I paid. To this day, Victor has not paid me back.
18.) Five friends and I go to a sports bar to watch the Pats play.
19.) I get a hug from Emily Martyn, and get into a fight with Ryan Fraelich.
20.) I go out for Chinese with Erin and Anton.
21.) I watch a movie and eat pizza with one other person.
22.) I work until 11:30 at night, and come home to a cake and my family asleep.
23.) I wake up. Play MLB 2007 for a while, take a nap.

It's not that I have bad luck with birthdays. It's just I've made a conscious effort for it to not be a big deal. And this year, with family relations strained and most of my friends in other states, if it weren't for facebook, I think three people may have noticed at all. And I thought this was how I wanted things to be.

Then someone came up to me, and gave me a Hostess Cupcake with a candle in it, and hummed "Happy Birthday".

I've never felt happier. I've never felt lonelier. At least I'm not working for most of my birthday this year. I miss you all.

One year older, Not wiser,