Thanksgiving fun from The PMRM Kitchen Korner....
(You are in the sitting room of The Post-Modern Renaissance Man. There are some old books, furniture, a Strawberry Shortcake Word Search book, and a statue of The Swedish Chef.)
(Examine the statue of the Swedish Chef? [Press A])
(You examine the Statue. There is a button hidden under his hat. Press the button? [Press A])
(A Wall recesses, and you can smell burning bread and hear the tormented wails of a thousand dead turkeys. You descend the spiral staircase, and just as you are about to enter, there is an explosion!)
(From a giant cloud of flour, you hear)
Who's There?
(The flour settles, and you are in the Post-Modern Renaissance Man's kitchen!)
Oh, hello there chum. Happy Bird-Day!
(He begins dusting himself off)
Are you, like me, facing the prospect of a thanksgiving without family for the first time in a long time? Facing limited numbers? A bunch of friends, all insecure about the day that is the culinary equivalent of a penis-size competition? I've been there. But there's no reason for dismay! Here, check out some of these kick ass, delicious, fun and easy recipes, all created by yours truly that can make your first St. Turktrick's Day alone the bomb, can be fun to make with friends, or are even a great addition to family traditions!
Ready? [Press A]
Rock On!
Peanut-Fried Turkey Breasts
2-6 8 oz turkey breasts
Peanut Oil.
So, one of the wonderful culinary traditions I picked up in my time in IN (along with the fried twinkie) is this. And even if you are allergic to peanuts (you know who you are), this is still a great way to prepare turkey, and economical. Most major supermarkets have, at least at this time of the year, fresh or frozen turkey breasts instead of the whole bird. While fresh is always preferable, turkey is one of the best birds for freezing, so the loss of flavor and texture is minimal in comparison to chicken or duck. Ideally, You'd have a fryer for this recipe, as it will cook the inside of the breasts quicker and provide less chance burning than in a pan. If you can get your hands on a fryer, use however many cups of oil it recommends for chicken (mine is two), and cook in there for 15 minutes, or until the interior temperature of the meat is around 170 degrees. If using a pan, cook for 8-10 minutes on either side on medium, with about 2 tbsp. of oil. Be wary of burning!
This dish, when done, is delicious with rice, or even just a simple salad. Let the nutty goodness speak for itself, and don't tarnish it with cranberries or other dressings.
TurKabobs
Ha ha ha, word fusion. Seriously though, so many fall vegetables cook SO WELL over an open fire, and if you have a grill, or if not, just an oven, you can make delicious, seasonal turkey, yam and squash kabobs.
Needs:
2 8oz turkey breasts
2 large yams
one butternut quash.
So, there are three ways to do this. First, the prep is the same. Cut the turkey into 1-1/2 inch cubes. Then, do the same for the yams and the squash. If they are mature, you should have no problem cutting them. If they aren't, bake them in the oven for around 30 minutes at 350 degrees, checking every so often with a toothpick. Once their consistency is like the turkey, you're good to go.
Assembling Kabobs, if you've never done it, is awesome. It's tons of fun, and enables you to go as heavy, or as light, on various ingredients as you want. If you don't have special kabob skewers (2nd on the most frivolous kitchen tool of all time, behind only the ravioli crimper), just go to the supermarket, and, like I do, buy a bazillion bamboo skewers for like, two dollars. They're just as good.
Now, for cooking, the ideal way for flavor is grilling. if you have a grill, just light that fucker up and put those puppies on, flipping every seven or so minutes until they look and feel done. If you don't have one, just wrap each in tin-foil and either broil them for 20 minutes, or cook for 25 minutes at 350 degrees, checking after ten minutes. Then remove and enjoy. Again, these are best served with a basmati rice, or the recipe below.
Apple-Cranberry Sausage Stuffing
Stuffing is irrefutable proof that God loves man; The Apple and the Cranberry are proof that New England fall fruits are superior to any other regional type (I defy you, Ohio apple enthusiasts!); The Sausage.....is pretty good too. Combine them all, and you have an awesome side dish, or, if you're doing a full roasting turkey, an excellent flavor enhancer.
Desires:
1 1/2 cups cubed whole wheat bread
3 3/4 cups cubed white bread
1 pound ground turkey sausage
1 cup chopped onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
2 1/2 teaspoons dried sage
1 1/2 teaspoons dried rosemary
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1 Golden Delicious apple, cored and chopped
3/4 cup dried cranberries
1/3 cup minced fresh parsley
1 cooked turkey liver, finely chopped (optional, and really only practical if you have a whole roaster)
3/4 cup turkey stock (the stuff you use the baster for if you're roasting. If not, chicken broth is cool)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
(Examine the statue of the Swedish Chef? [Press A])
(You examine the Statue. There is a button hidden under his hat. Press the button? [Press A])
(A Wall recesses, and you can smell burning bread and hear the tormented wails of a thousand dead turkeys. You descend the spiral staircase, and just as you are about to enter, there is an explosion!)
(From a giant cloud of flour, you hear)
Who's There?
(The flour settles, and you are in the Post-Modern Renaissance Man's kitchen!)
Oh, hello there chum. Happy Bird-Day!
(He begins dusting himself off)
Are you, like me, facing the prospect of a thanksgiving without family for the first time in a long time? Facing limited numbers? A bunch of friends, all insecure about the day that is the culinary equivalent of a penis-size competition? I've been there. But there's no reason for dismay! Here, check out some of these kick ass, delicious, fun and easy recipes, all created by yours truly that can make your first St. Turktrick's Day alone the bomb, can be fun to make with friends, or are even a great addition to family traditions!
Ready? [Press A]
Rock On!
Peanut-Fried Turkey Breasts
2-6 8 oz turkey breasts
Peanut Oil.
So, one of the wonderful culinary traditions I picked up in my time in IN (along with the fried twinkie) is this. And even if you are allergic to peanuts (you know who you are), this is still a great way to prepare turkey, and economical. Most major supermarkets have, at least at this time of the year, fresh or frozen turkey breasts instead of the whole bird. While fresh is always preferable, turkey is one of the best birds for freezing, so the loss of flavor and texture is minimal in comparison to chicken or duck. Ideally, You'd have a fryer for this recipe, as it will cook the inside of the breasts quicker and provide less chance burning than in a pan. If you can get your hands on a fryer, use however many cups of oil it recommends for chicken (mine is two), and cook in there for 15 minutes, or until the interior temperature of the meat is around 170 degrees. If using a pan, cook for 8-10 minutes on either side on medium, with about 2 tbsp. of oil. Be wary of burning!
This dish, when done, is delicious with rice, or even just a simple salad. Let the nutty goodness speak for itself, and don't tarnish it with cranberries or other dressings.
TurKabobs
Ha ha ha, word fusion. Seriously though, so many fall vegetables cook SO WELL over an open fire, and if you have a grill, or if not, just an oven, you can make delicious, seasonal turkey, yam and squash kabobs.
Needs:
2 8oz turkey breasts
2 large yams
one butternut quash.
So, there are three ways to do this. First, the prep is the same. Cut the turkey into 1-1/2 inch cubes. Then, do the same for the yams and the squash. If they are mature, you should have no problem cutting them. If they aren't, bake them in the oven for around 30 minutes at 350 degrees, checking every so often with a toothpick. Once their consistency is like the turkey, you're good to go.
Assembling Kabobs, if you've never done it, is awesome. It's tons of fun, and enables you to go as heavy, or as light, on various ingredients as you want. If you don't have special kabob skewers (2nd on the most frivolous kitchen tool of all time, behind only the ravioli crimper), just go to the supermarket, and, like I do, buy a bazillion bamboo skewers for like, two dollars. They're just as good.
Now, for cooking, the ideal way for flavor is grilling. if you have a grill, just light that fucker up and put those puppies on, flipping every seven or so minutes until they look and feel done. If you don't have one, just wrap each in tin-foil and either broil them for 20 minutes, or cook for 25 minutes at 350 degrees, checking after ten minutes. Then remove and enjoy. Again, these are best served with a basmati rice, or the recipe below.
Apple-Cranberry Sausage Stuffing
Stuffing is irrefutable proof that God loves man; The Apple and the Cranberry are proof that New England fall fruits are superior to any other regional type (I defy you, Ohio apple enthusiasts!); The Sausage.....is pretty good too. Combine them all, and you have an awesome side dish, or, if you're doing a full roasting turkey, an excellent flavor enhancer.
Desires:
1 1/2 cups cubed whole wheat bread
3 3/4 cups cubed white bread
1 pound ground turkey sausage
1 cup chopped onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
2 1/2 teaspoons dried sage
1 1/2 teaspoons dried rosemary
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1 Golden Delicious apple, cored and chopped
3/4 cup dried cranberries
1/3 cup minced fresh parsley
1 cooked turkey liver, finely chopped (optional, and really only practical if you have a whole roaster)
3/4 cup turkey stock (the stuff you use the baster for if you're roasting. If not, chicken broth is cool)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
Preheat your oven to 350 degree F (175 degree C). Spread the white and whole wheat bread cubes in a single layer on a large baking sheet. Bake for 5 to 7 minutes in the preheated oven, or until evenly toasted. Transfer the toasted bread cubes to a large bowl.
In a large skillet, cook the sausage and onions over medium heat, stirring and breaking up the lumps until evenly browned. Add the celery, sage, rosemary, and thyme; cook, stirring, for 2 minutes to blend flavors.
Pour sausage mixture over bread in bowl. Mix in chopped apples, dried cranberries, parsley, and liver. Drizzle with turkey stock and melted butter, and mix lightly. If roasting, spoon into turkey to loosely fill.
FUN TIP: If you can get it, try using hawaiian bread instead of white!
Chopped Maple Squash
This one comes from my Mother, Necessity. She has mastered this simple and delicious recipe, so check it out!
Simply buy a whole butternut squash, cut it in half, and hollow out the core. fill said core with maple syrup, and let bake at 350 for 20 minutes! That's it, and it's delish!
For Dessert.....
Pumpkin Bread Pudding!
(As a conciliation for all those of you who have peanut allergies, but love bread pudding)
For those of you who haven't clocked serious time in North Florida, as I have, they are psychos about two things, Tim Tebow and Bread Pudding. (Don't know who Tim Tebow is? Watch SportsCenter, you sissy) Anyhow, They are crazy about their bread pudding, which I have adapted to my New England sensibilities and fruits, and now pass onto you.
This recipe lusts for:
8 oz French Bread, torn into small pieces (5 cups or so)
2 c. half and half
3 large eggs
2/3 c. granulated sugar
2/3 c. brown sugar
1 can Pumpkin Puree (this is preferable to fresh, which by Thanksgiving has usually past it's prime)
1 c. dried cranberries
3 tbsp melted butter
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp vanilla
cinnamon-sugar (optional)
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and butter an 11x7 baking dish. Then, in a bowl, cover the torn bread with the half and half and set it aside. In another bowl, combine the eggs, sugars, pumpkin, cranberries, melted butter, the spices and vanilla. Blend that shit.
Pour this mixture over the soaked bread and stir to blend. Pour this into the baking dish and top with the cinnamon sugar if desired. Bake for 45 to 60 minutes, or until set. Serve with whipped cream!
Well, I hope that helps you a little with your Turkey Day Cooking.
(There is the sound of gobbling in the refrigerator)
Oh, that reminds me I need to go.......shopping.....for my turkey. Well, have fun! And remember, if you do get into a competitive turkey cooking/penis size competition, the average turkey is 5-1/2 inches cooked from beak to drumstick.
(Produces a sharp wood ax)
Happy Thanksgiving! Or, in the past tense, Thanksgaving!
(Turns to the Refrigerator)
C'mere you little fuckerball!
(Save now? [Press A])
In a large skillet, cook the sausage and onions over medium heat, stirring and breaking up the lumps until evenly browned. Add the celery, sage, rosemary, and thyme; cook, stirring, for 2 minutes to blend flavors.
Pour sausage mixture over bread in bowl. Mix in chopped apples, dried cranberries, parsley, and liver. Drizzle with turkey stock and melted butter, and mix lightly. If roasting, spoon into turkey to loosely fill.
FUN TIP: If you can get it, try using hawaiian bread instead of white!
Chopped Maple Squash
This one comes from my Mother, Necessity. She has mastered this simple and delicious recipe, so check it out!
Simply buy a whole butternut squash, cut it in half, and hollow out the core. fill said core with maple syrup, and let bake at 350 for 20 minutes! That's it, and it's delish!
For Dessert.....
Pumpkin Bread Pudding!
(As a conciliation for all those of you who have peanut allergies, but love bread pudding)
For those of you who haven't clocked serious time in North Florida, as I have, they are psychos about two things, Tim Tebow and Bread Pudding. (Don't know who Tim Tebow is? Watch SportsCenter, you sissy) Anyhow, They are crazy about their bread pudding, which I have adapted to my New England sensibilities and fruits, and now pass onto you.
This recipe lusts for:
8 oz French Bread, torn into small pieces (5 cups or so)
2 c. half and half
3 large eggs
2/3 c. granulated sugar
2/3 c. brown sugar
1 can Pumpkin Puree (this is preferable to fresh, which by Thanksgiving has usually past it's prime)
1 c. dried cranberries
3 tbsp melted butter
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp vanilla
cinnamon-sugar (optional)
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and butter an 11x7 baking dish. Then, in a bowl, cover the torn bread with the half and half and set it aside. In another bowl, combine the eggs, sugars, pumpkin, cranberries, melted butter, the spices and vanilla. Blend that shit.
Pour this mixture over the soaked bread and stir to blend. Pour this into the baking dish and top with the cinnamon sugar if desired. Bake for 45 to 60 minutes, or until set. Serve with whipped cream!
Well, I hope that helps you a little with your Turkey Day Cooking.
(There is the sound of gobbling in the refrigerator)
Oh, that reminds me I need to go.......shopping.....for my turkey. Well, have fun! And remember, if you do get into a competitive turkey cooking/penis size competition, the average turkey is 5-1/2 inches cooked from beak to drumstick.
(Produces a sharp wood ax)
Happy Thanksgiving! Or, in the past tense, Thanksgaving!
(Turns to the Refrigerator)
C'mere you little fuckerball!
(Save now? [Press A])
And yet... you've given my tastebuds about seven orgasms (they're femme-buds, so) during the course of this post. You are a golden god.