"If I hear the name Edward Nygma one more time I swear to Fucking God...", and other outbursts I've made while gazing into the eyes of the internet

I can be a victim of hype like anyone.

I was excited to see The Dark Knight as much as anyone, anticipating it with bated breath in October.

I've probably pushed Disney's The Princess and The Frog harder than anyone outside of The Disney Studios, for which I assume I will be recompensed at some point.

But seriously, this shit has got to fucking stop.

I can't take fanboys anymore. It's the unfortunate byproduct of a summer full of geek love, which I was originally glad for. Now I see it's cost. It's cost, as I Have detailed in the past, is a rabid, vociferous and self-satisfied fan base that I will have to put up with for the foreseeable future.

If you didn't get the link, it's to a page on firstshowing.net that has a fanboy poster that he submitted. And it's an excellent poster. Could easily be considered professional. But it's the non-stop deluge of discussions on what happens in movie three that accompanies it that I can't handle.

And again, I admit my guilt. I've explained to a few of you what I would like to see done with the third, but it seems like no one wants to be satisfied with what was an excellent movie. Like crack addicts, they immediately posit on the next film.

My critical mistake was posting on that page. I couldn't resist trying to cool the flames, pointing out that other than Frank Gorshin's Riddler (from the Adam West TV Series), no incarnation of the Riddler has been anything other than, well, a little sad. No one knows what to do with him, and so no one really has. Gorshin's manic performance, which became the inspiration for the modern Joker, is the only highlight in the character's career. In the animated series, he was barely used; Jim Carrey's Riddler was a joke, and not in the flattering way; In the comics he's become little more than a nerd in a bowler hat. Why does anyone want to bring him back? So unfortunately I posted that, and have had, to date, 68 responses, with 41 of them telling me I should know better. I should have.

And why does anyone want Killer Croc? Or Clayface? They'd be ridiculous in Nolan's world. In a different but equally farcical way than The Riddler.

Riddle me this: Why is it that a subculture of filmgoers that prides itself on its vitriol of mainstream cinema collectively wets themselves when they hear about Johnny Depp as The Riddler? The only person who actually believes that Johnny Depp is counter-culture anymore is Johnny Depp. When you make over 20 mil a picture, that's as radical as apple pie, and not in the flattering way. Angelina Jolie, too. You'll shit on her Lara Croft, but you'll eat up her Selina Kyle. In what world where you take yourselves seriously does that seem fair? Riddle me that.

Don't get me wrong. When the time comes that the Nolan's choose to make TDK3, if they do, I'll be excited as anyone else to hear the rumors and see the viral campaigns. But not the ones that High Lord Asdlevar photoshops in his basement in Poughkeepsie, however excellent they may be.

Riddle me this: When does someone spend all their time in the future?

When they can't be satisfied with the present.

And I don't mean that in a flattering way.

If only to prove to Margaret that three people filled this stupid thing out....

1. Do you like blue cheese? God no. Neither in dressing nor solid form. It is tangible proof that dairy is not infallible.
2. Have you ever smoked? Yes. Many things.
3. Do you own a gun? Does Nerf count?
4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? Gotta go with green.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not really. My doctor is cool.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Delicious black sheep of the sausage family (I'm fairly sure there is no sheep in hot dogs)
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Christmas themed? The Rankin/Bass Rudolph. Movie that I always watch on Christmas? You'd be astonished how often that holiday drives me to Blazing Saddles.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Cranberry Juice.
9. Can you do push ups? Yes. It's a question of frequency. Also, I can do the clapping ones.
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Audrey Hepburn's necklace in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
11. Favorite hobby? Competitive Bullshitting.
12. Do you have A.D.D.? What's that about a bird? Yeah, wikkid bad.
13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? Crippling Self-doubt.
14. Middle name? Ah, my nom du guerre, Tully.
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
1. I hope people think these answers are funny.
2. I wonder if Disney could make Ivanhoe.
3. I hope they don't until I get there.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water, Coke, Liquor.
17. Current worry? That somewhere, right now, as we speak, someone is thinking about how much they hate me.
18. Current hate right now? That asshole that hates me.
19. Favorite place to be? Squam Lake in NH, or The Mexico Ride at EPCOT.
20. How did you bring in the New Year? I don't remember.
21. Where would you like to go? Club 33.
22. Name three people who will complete this. Erin, Adrienne, and Margaret. Ha! I got it right!
23. Do you own slippers? Somewhere.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? Grey. Oh yeah, I'm a rebel like that.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Only when starring in 70s porn, you weirdo.
26. Can you whistle? Second only to Nate Ewert-Krocker.
27. Favorite color? I've come to appreciate brown a great deal.
28. Would you be a pirate? No, nor would I be a ninja. I hate those two options. I choose Highwayman.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? A Medley of ABBA, Green Day, and Disney. That wasn't a joke.
30. Favorite Girl's Name? Gwendolyn, or Cecily. Don't make me choose.
31. Favorite boy's Name? Um, Ryan? Is there any OTHER boy's name?
32. What's in your pocket right now? Okay....a lighter, two open pack of gum (different types), an uncashed check, three pens, my cell phone, my DS, two movies from netflix, my wallet, one five dollar bill, three singles, and $2.43 in change. (They were cargos)
33. Last thing that made you laugh? Me. Someone at work today pronounced metaphysics "metalphysics", and I thought about copper's quest for self-realization. I thought it was hilarious.
34. Best bed sheets as a child? My TMNT sheets. Slumber Power!
35. Worst injury you've ever had? Most unpleasant is probably the broken nose from the car crash in December.
36. Do you love where you live? Christ no.
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two, I think.
38. Who is your loudest friend? I'd love to say it's someone other than me, but then someone would probably stare at me until they convince me that I am my own loudest friend.
39. How many dogs do you have? None yet. But once I move into a pet-friendly apt., then my English Bulldog, Sir Percy Chubbs-Cuddlington of the Pembrokeshire Chubbs-Cuddlingtons is go!
40. Does someone have a crush on you? I hope so. If not, that'd be rather disenchanting.
41. What is your favorite book? I wish it was something intellectual, but it's probably Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese. I know, I'm a philistine.
42. What is your favorite candy? Toblerone.
43. Favorite Sports Team? BC Eagles. Mostly hockey. But also some of the footeball.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? "You're So True", by Joseph Arthur.

On the Impossibilities of Intellectual Property and Other Hare-brained Theories...

It strikes me that.....

(blur passes across face, loud THUD sounds)

Damn you, you hairy, bowler-wearing bastard!

(nothing? Oh well. Worth a shot)

Anyhow, it strikes me that whatever idea I'm about to have, some French peasant probably thought of it sometime during the now infamous millet harvests of 1479.

Now, granted he may not have had all the tools to correctly formulate his idea. In fact, he didn't even have the seed drill at the time, (Ah, Etienne, mon coeur saigne pour vous.), but nonetheless, I'm sure that at some point Etienne said to himself:

"Ah, quelle bonne récolte de millet c'est. Si seulement mon épouse et sept enfants, seulement deux dont vécu après l'âge de cinq, pourrait voir ceci. Si seulement il y avait une manière de leur montrer immédiatement ce que je vois, aussi bien que des charges de l'autre merde faite par les personnes pharisaïques qui s'aiment des artistes, comme Jean-Phillipe, le forgeron local."

("Ah, what a fine crop of millet this is. If only my wife and seven children, only two of which lived past the age of five, could see this. If only there was a way to instantly show them what I am seeing, as well as loads of other crap done by self-righteous people who fancy themselves artists, like Jean-Phillipe, the local blacksmith.")

Ergo, Etienne invented a fore-runner to Youtube.

So every time I think of something, the only difference between what I am thinking and what good ol' Etienne thought of is the technological and cultural advances that enable me to take his concepts to the next level.

Now, if you've still followed me after my butchery of French, you may be saying, "Now see here, my good fellow, that still means that you've come up with an inventive thought. If you've contributed to it, you have a creative stake in it."

Perhaps, though it's just as likely that someone else in our 6b population across humanity has thought of what I thought of, yet dismissed it as stupid.

So, isn't inventiveness really only the logical extensions of stupidity not knowing any better? From a metaphysical perspective?

So, for all of you wondering why I've shelved my long-anticipated musical memoirs of Daniel Craig's favorite classical music albums, tentatively titled Craig's Liszt, it's because that asshole Etienne already thought of it.