What ho, long lost readers!

Yeah, so, long story short, last 18 some odd days:

After getting out of jail, totalled car crashing into tree going 40 mph on I-90.

Spent day in hospital, leaving with bruises, a busted nose, a short hair cut (they needed to trim for CAT Scan), and prescriptions for Valium and Vicodin.

The PT? Now scrap.

Returned home to MA in drug addled stupor, which remained through holidays.

Stood in line for six hours to get a Wii for my sister, eventually gaining pity for my injury and weaseling my way to the front of the line.

Got a new bathrobe for christmas.

Drank with Anton.

Got cool silver dollar.

Saw the following movies, equating them to Baseball teams:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chicago Cubs (Didn't suck as much as I expected)
Sweeney Todd: New YorkYankees (Sure, it was good, but it still didn't feel right)
National Treasure 2: St. Louis Cardinals (It could've been worse)
I Am Legend: New York Mets (Started out great, then munched hard)
Water Horse: Boston Red Sox (Kid Friendly fun, with a huge yet lovable monster [David Ortiz])

Good. Glad we caught up.

RM

For those of you who didn't hear, I spent yesterday in the Lake County, Ohio Correctional Facility. This was over some confusion over my license and whether or not it was suspended (OH says yea, FL nay), and I was out by dinner, however, I was in Jail long enough to pass along a few kernels of wisdom along to you, so here they are:

The PMRM's Top 10 Things You DIDN'T know about Ohio County Jail:
10.) The Food is of a higher quality than your school lunches in HS. The trays were nicer as well.
9.) Once prominent Carnegie Mellon professors who got addicted to Cocaine are around every corner.
8.) The Uniforms more closely resemble scrubs than jail cosutmery.
7.) For making your bed, instead of a fitted sheet for the bottom, you are given a giant pillowcase that fits our mattress, speeding up the process of making your bed immensely.
6.) They have premium cable.
5.) Of the 13 men in my cell block with me, 9 had completed at least two years of college education.
4.) The give you free Coffee and Kool-Aid. Whenever you want it.
3.) After the initial "Why're you here?", most people keep their problems to theirselves.
2.) According to the felows in the Maximum block a few floors up, I have a very pretty mouth. One even knew that it I had a "cupid's bow" upper lip.
1.) Convicts love.....and I mean LOVE....Will and Grace. We watched five episodes start to finish.

I hope you learned as much as I did.

RM

So, not to spoil it if you guys haven't seen it yet, but GC is rough.

Really rough.

If you've been following Rottentomatoes.com, it's freshness is somewhere in the low forties, and it's criticisms are very valid.

I won't give my full opinion here, but if others were to offer their criticisms, I would certainly proffer mine own.

Exciting news in the expanding business world of RM. JFD and I have gone halfsies on a domain here in the Intraweb. The website, which we hope to have up by February, will be a synthesis of recipes, my own small witticisms, as well as shameless advertising for the company.

So, be sure to keep an eye on yourcookbookisnotfurniture.com in the coming months.

Also, since I don't endorse video piracy in any forms, I heartily suggest you all avoid filmhill.com. I certainly wouldn't encourage you to take advantage of it's impressive library of online films and tv shows, nor would I recommend those of you who watch anime to explore its sister site, OAFun.com. It's just not fair to all the gaffers and best boys out there.

Making himself a Betty Crock-ing Chair,
RM

Counting tonight's writer-strike shortened season finale, I have now watched two full seasons of Heroes. I find the show's premise charming yet unoriginal, yet the writing itself intrigues me. Mainly because of its methodology.

See, each of the ten or so writers is assigned a character, or small group of characters. Then, each week, each writer writes their own character's little scenes, then hands it to whichever of them is doing the full episode, and off to the races.

Granted, this can occasionally make for a level of plot confusion that falls somewhere between LOST and The X-Files, yet still they execute for 95% of the show.

Then there's Hayden. I don't know if I'm just growing old and bitter, but her WB reject routine of rebellion and righteous indignation just feels wrong. Not for her character, and granted I don't think I'm the demographic they're going for with that character. I'm somewhere between Zachary Quinto and Masi Oka (Both of whom I met at Ojai in 06). Still, every time I see her regenerative face in the shot, whining about something when it turns out she was dead wrong all along, I kinda want to hit her. It's that WB/CW complete sense of 'you know what is right and wrong at 17' opinion that we all felt at some point. Maybe I do identify with her. And I'm a little ashamed of it.

With the exception of her, and maybe Peter and Nathan's mother, if you want to see almost flawless 3-D character development and execution, watch a few episodes of this show. The writing for it really is something special.

RM

I often find that I am a foolish bastard. No, no, don't defend me. I am quick to judgment and to condemn and have a tendency to act first and think later. However, I'm not too proud to know when I'm wrong.

I'm sorry, Disney.

I still love you, if it's even possible, I love you more every day. I just want you to be happy. And if you think Tim Burton can give your Alice a face lift, then I understand and support you.

Why am I being so forgiving, you ask?

Three reasons: One, heavy use of valium. But that's not important right now. The second is your eponymously enchanting Enchanted. It does my heart good knowing that with this movie, you have permanently wrested both the child-epic and modern fantasy away from Dreamworks, New Line, and any other bastards who would try. If your movie has a princess, you now officially have to go through Disney to do it right. Sure, you can go to other film companies. But know full well you're dealing with the people who made Doogal and Hoodwink'd. It's even more wondrous that not only did you take your woman back, Disney, but you also masterfully satired yourself in the process. This movie, more than any other Disney movie of the past 3 years, shows me what Disney will be in the wake of The Eisner Affair, as it shall henceforth be known to me. I have nothing but the highest hopes for the future, which brings me to point three.
Three: You have returned to your bread and butter. With information trickling in about your two newest animated projects, The Princess and the Frog and Rapunzel, you have returned to classic fairy tales, with full scores and 2-D animation, While not forgetting the lessons of the past, learning the value of stylizing (Hercules) and Contemporary Storytelling (Treasure Planet [This was one of those learn from your mistakes kind of things]). If you haven't heard about The Princess and The Frog, it is essentially The Frog Princess set in Jazz Age New Orleans, with a predominantly creole-jazz and African-American interpretation.

How bad-ass does THAT sound? Disney, you shall always be my one true love.

On that note, I wish to resurrect two of my favorite Disney Games:
The first is Hero/Villain/Sidekick (This means any secondary character, but sidekick is catchier)

Wiry has already placed his on his facebook, but I shall transcribe them here:
1. Hero = Belle (Beauty and the Beast)
2. Villain = Scar (Lion King)
3. Supporting Character = Clopin (Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Mine follow immediately:
1. Hero= Oliver ( Oliver and Comapny)
2. Villain= Rattigan (Great Mouse Detective)
3. Sidekick= Thumper (Bambi)

What are yours? Think I got mine wrong? Let's start a discussion.

Also, my compilation of Mixed Drinks based on every Disney movie begins again, starting with the first five:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Pinocchio
Fantasia
Dumbo
Bambi

Also, let's keep the jokes about shots and Bambi's Mom to a minimum. No, I'm kidding. Fire away! Ba-zing!

One last thing. I was reading a fellow blogger's thoughts on life after our common alma-mater (well, most of us anyway), and how the period in time immediately after college is the scariest time in your life. Now, I cannot confess to have had a relatively scary life. I have never seen a vampire, though many goth kids; I've never been stalked based on the events of my previous summer; And I have never been chained to a water pipe, forced to share a dilapidated men's urinal with Cary Elwes (although....mmmm). I lost focus there. The message I can impart is this: The time out there is just like the time in here at Kenyon. It is what you make of it. I experienced the Real World a little early, then came back to an entirely different College experience. I know how scary and how unprepared you can feel when you're out there on your own for the first time. And I can't say that I've experienced what you're experiencing, so I could well be full of shit; But Kenyon affords you the great opportunity of only being limited by your ability out in the real world, and Kenyon doesn't accept people without exceptional ability. The Real World offers you so many things that Kenyon can't: "Normal" Dating, access to independent films, a paying job that doesn't involve calling alumni, new people and experiences that are only limited by your desire to take advantage of them. And that goes for college, too. For any phase of your life. You are only limited by desire and ability. Life cannot be experienced if you are afraid to experience it. And that's something we've all been guilty of before and will be again. Everyone is scared at some point. But don't let that fear that strikes everyone turn into hesitance, or worse, reluctance. Those will kill you. Because there's nothing worse than looking back at what you could've done at some point in your life.

Unless it's looking back and seeing the dude with the hook right behind you. Then you run. Hard.

RM

As some of you may have gleaned in the tone of my previous piece, I am not in a very happy place right now. But, with the help of tea and deep-breathing exercises, I was making progress. Then THIS, THIS FUCKING HAPPENS.

If you can't read the link, or have read it and still don't understand why I'm upset. Let me spell this out for you....

TIM BURTON IS GOING TO RAPE DISNEY'S ALICE IN WONDERLAND.

No, I am not overreacting. This has got to come out, and if I'm the one hung for it, fine.

Tim Burton is the biggest goddamn grifter in Hollywood. Moreso even than Michael Bay. Here's why. Tim Burton hasn't made an artistically provoking film since Edward Scissorhands. He has become Hollywood's Pimp. Want Johnny Depp? Go talk to Papa Timmy. Want HBC? Talk to Timmy. Want Goofy shit in your movie? Bend over.
I once was under the impression that he was a talented director. I subsequently amended that and gave him credit as a talented visual designer. Then, I realized he was a fucking grifter who has parlayed his good name on poor lighting, acid trips, and a gaggle of stupid fucking teens who think this makes him a misunderstood, hurt, brilliant artist.

No, he's a conman with a stupid fucking haircut.

Jesus! In some countries this man would be dead for what he's done to cinema.

And don't get me started on how he's empowered the Hot Topic generation.

You want to talk hypocrisy? When a generation shits on their predecessors for being inflexible and invulnerable to criticism, and then when you say to them that you think AFI sounds like a cat being put through a sausage grinder, you "just don't get it."

You're shaping up to be Dubya II: Gothic Boogaloo. Enjoy that truth, junior.

And Sweeney Todd? Guess what? It's gonna suck. From his end, at least. I'll give you the three adjectives that describe all the shots I've seen:

Grimy.
Poorly Lit.
No difference in cinematography between it and Superman Returns.

Last one was a little long, but wait until it comes out. Walk away, come back to me, and honestly tell me if you think he did his supposed job for this one.

I say supposed job. His actual job?

Wanna know why he was hired? Because he could get Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter faster than Warner Bros. could undo his belt and suck his dick.

Seriously. If shitty lighting and angsty looking makeup and set design are all you need to be a counter-culture film icon, I know at least a thousand people on youtube who should be directing Sweeney Todd.

Now let's move on to his materials. Do I have a soft-spot for Alice in Wonderland? Certainly. But I'd be just as pissed if this man touched ANYTHING Disney ever made that didn't start in N and end in ightmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton's Little Mermaid? Tim Burton's Beauty and the Beast? hey, Disney, I've got an idea, let me get Eli Roth on the phone to do Snow White. I could get Tarantino to start working on a draft of Hunchback. Oh, let's have Oliver Stone take a whack at Aladdin! No harm in destroying your good name there, right?

Fuck, every Disney ever, even Elias Disney, Walt's furniture-making Pappy, are doing triple-lutzes six feet ender right now.

You can openly call me a fascist son of a bitch if you want, and I will accept that that is where my viewpoints have led me, but why do we have to fuck with shit that isn't broken? Hmm? Disney movies are a cultural institution. Not for America. For the World. Where do you think Hayao Miyazaki would be if it weren't for Steamboat Willie? Disney didn't just pioneer animation. They did. They also probably played one of the largest parts in helping to shape the American Musical for the past 70 some-odd years, along with Rodgers and Hammerstein and some of the other great lyrical teams of Broadway's infancy. And I can understand if there's one or two Disney movies you'd want another crack at. Some aren't immortal. You know, a lot aren't meant to be. But Alice in Wonderland is in that elite upper echelon with Beauty and The Beast, and The Little Mermaid, and Pinocchio, and Cinderella, where you just don't fuck with them. Not never interpret the stories again. Just, you know, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM DISNEY'S VERSIONS OF THEM.

And also, how pretentious a son of a bitch do you have to be to put "Tim Burton's" before anything? Like we're going to confuse your poorly lit Batman with Christopher Nolan's. We won't. His had direction.

Why do we as a culture have to darken everything? Why is it that, when we reach sixteen, we feel secretly guilty about still being attached to our childhood joys, so we get shitheads like Todd MacFarlane to do them up in bondage ? Do you realize it's our shame over still sleeping with Care Bears that keeps these assholes in business? That the time you put Mr. Snugglekins away because your friend Krissie called you a little girl is why American McGee drives a Benzo and wears italian suits, not a DuckTales shirt that he got on hottopic.com? (Oh, it's there, apparently Magica McQuack is the new poster child for Goth Children. Those fuckers.); And now, when our childhood will be further perverted by this goddamn sonofabitch con-man Tim Burton, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.

We could've stopped him.

We could've stopped him at Batman Returns, Mars Attacks, Big Fish or Planet of The Apes.

We shouldn't have given him get out of Jail cards for The Corpse Bride or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory or Sleepy Hollow.

Because now he's not just laughing to the bank. He's laughing to the vault where we keep our childhoods.

That asshole has officially become the boogeyman.

And spare me, the perennial excuse that Victorian London is supposed to look Gothic. It was remarkably well-lit and clean by world standards at the time.

You know what's fucking Gothic?

Watching your childhood rot away before your very eyes.

FUCK!

If I EVER see Tim Burton at Disneyland, or even in person, he's gonna get a swift and terrible kick of vengeance right in the cock from,
RM