Tim Burton, you are FUCKING DEAD TO ME
As some of you may have gleaned in the tone of my previous piece, I am not in a very happy place right now. But, with the help of tea and deep-breathing exercises, I was making progress. Then THIS, THIS FUCKING HAPPENS.
If you can't read the link, or have read it and still don't understand why I'm upset. Let me spell this out for you....
TIM BURTON IS GOING TO RAPE DISNEY'S ALICE IN WONDERLAND.
No, I am not overreacting. This has got to come out, and if I'm the one hung for it, fine.
Tim Burton is the biggest goddamn grifter in Hollywood. Moreso even than Michael Bay. Here's why. Tim Burton hasn't made an artistically provoking film since Edward Scissorhands. He has become Hollywood's Pimp. Want Johnny Depp? Go talk to Papa Timmy. Want HBC? Talk to Timmy. Want Goofy shit in your movie? Bend over.
I once was under the impression that he was a talented director. I subsequently amended that and gave him credit as a talented visual designer. Then, I realized he was a fucking grifter who has parlayed his good name on poor lighting, acid trips, and a gaggle of stupid fucking teens who think this makes him a misunderstood, hurt, brilliant artist.
No, he's a conman with a stupid fucking haircut.
Jesus! In some countries this man would be dead for what he's done to cinema.
And don't get me started on how he's empowered the Hot Topic generation.
You want to talk hypocrisy? When a generation shits on their predecessors for being inflexible and invulnerable to criticism, and then when you say to them that you think AFI sounds like a cat being put through a sausage grinder, you "just don't get it."
You're shaping up to be Dubya II: Gothic Boogaloo. Enjoy that truth, junior.
And Sweeney Todd? Guess what? It's gonna suck. From his end, at least. I'll give you the three adjectives that describe all the shots I've seen:
Grimy.
Poorly Lit.
No difference in cinematography between it and Superman Returns.
Last one was a little long, but wait until it comes out. Walk away, come back to me, and honestly tell me if you think he did his supposed job for this one.
I say supposed job. His actual job?
Wanna know why he was hired? Because he could get Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter faster than Warner Bros. could undo his belt and suck his dick.
Seriously. If shitty lighting and angsty looking makeup and set design are all you need to be a counter-culture film icon, I know at least a thousand people on youtube who should be directing Sweeney Todd.
Now let's move on to his materials. Do I have a soft-spot for Alice in Wonderland? Certainly. But I'd be just as pissed if this man touched ANYTHING Disney ever made that didn't start in N and end in ightmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton's Little Mermaid? Tim Burton's Beauty and the Beast? hey, Disney, I've got an idea, let me get Eli Roth on the phone to do Snow White. I could get Tarantino to start working on a draft of Hunchback. Oh, let's have Oliver Stone take a whack at Aladdin! No harm in destroying your good name there, right?
Fuck, every Disney ever, even Elias Disney, Walt's furniture-making Pappy, are doing triple-lutzes six feet ender right now.
You can openly call me a fascist son of a bitch if you want, and I will accept that that is where my viewpoints have led me, but why do we have to fuck with shit that isn't broken? Hmm? Disney movies are a cultural institution. Not for America. For the World. Where do you think Hayao Miyazaki would be if it weren't for Steamboat Willie? Disney didn't just pioneer animation. They did. They also probably played one of the largest parts in helping to shape the American Musical for the past 70 some-odd years, along with Rodgers and Hammerstein and some of the other great lyrical teams of Broadway's infancy. And I can understand if there's one or two Disney movies you'd want another crack at. Some aren't immortal. You know, a lot aren't meant to be. But Alice in Wonderland is in that elite upper echelon with Beauty and The Beast, and The Little Mermaid, and Pinocchio, and Cinderella, where you just don't fuck with them. Not never interpret the stories again. Just, you know, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM DISNEY'S VERSIONS OF THEM.
And also, how pretentious a son of a bitch do you have to be to put "Tim Burton's" before anything? Like we're going to confuse your poorly lit Batman with Christopher Nolan's. We won't. His had direction.
Why do we as a culture have to darken everything? Why is it that, when we reach sixteen, we feel secretly guilty about still being attached to our childhood joys, so we get shitheads like Todd MacFarlane to do them up in bondage ? Do you realize it's our shame over still sleeping with Care Bears that keeps these assholes in business? That the time you put Mr. Snugglekins away because your friend Krissie called you a little girl is why American McGee drives a Benzo and wears italian suits, not a DuckTales shirt that he got on hottopic.com? (Oh, it's there, apparently Magica McQuack is the new poster child for Goth Children. Those fuckers.); And now, when our childhood will be further perverted by this goddamn sonofabitch con-man Tim Burton, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.
We could've stopped him.
We could've stopped him at Batman Returns, Mars Attacks, Big Fish or Planet of The Apes.
We shouldn't have given him get out of Jail cards for The Corpse Bride or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory or Sleepy Hollow.
Because now he's not just laughing to the bank. He's laughing to the vault where we keep our childhoods.
That asshole has officially become the boogeyman.
And spare me, the perennial excuse that Victorian London is supposed to look Gothic. It was remarkably well-lit and clean by world standards at the time.
You know what's fucking Gothic?
Watching your childhood rot away before your very eyes.
FUCK!
If I EVER see Tim Burton at Disneyland, or even in person, he's gonna get a swift and terrible kick of vengeance right in the cock from,
RM
If you can't read the link, or have read it and still don't understand why I'm upset. Let me spell this out for you....
TIM BURTON IS GOING TO RAPE DISNEY'S ALICE IN WONDERLAND.
No, I am not overreacting. This has got to come out, and if I'm the one hung for it, fine.
Tim Burton is the biggest goddamn grifter in Hollywood. Moreso even than Michael Bay. Here's why. Tim Burton hasn't made an artistically provoking film since Edward Scissorhands. He has become Hollywood's Pimp. Want Johnny Depp? Go talk to Papa Timmy. Want HBC? Talk to Timmy. Want Goofy shit in your movie? Bend over.
I once was under the impression that he was a talented director. I subsequently amended that and gave him credit as a talented visual designer. Then, I realized he was a fucking grifter who has parlayed his good name on poor lighting, acid trips, and a gaggle of stupid fucking teens who think this makes him a misunderstood, hurt, brilliant artist.
No, he's a conman with a stupid fucking haircut.
Jesus! In some countries this man would be dead for what he's done to cinema.
And don't get me started on how he's empowered the Hot Topic generation.
You want to talk hypocrisy? When a generation shits on their predecessors for being inflexible and invulnerable to criticism, and then when you say to them that you think AFI sounds like a cat being put through a sausage grinder, you "just don't get it."
You're shaping up to be Dubya II: Gothic Boogaloo. Enjoy that truth, junior.
And Sweeney Todd? Guess what? It's gonna suck. From his end, at least. I'll give you the three adjectives that describe all the shots I've seen:
Grimy.
Poorly Lit.
No difference in cinematography between it and Superman Returns.
Last one was a little long, but wait until it comes out. Walk away, come back to me, and honestly tell me if you think he did his supposed job for this one.
I say supposed job. His actual job?
Wanna know why he was hired? Because he could get Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter faster than Warner Bros. could undo his belt and suck his dick.
Seriously. If shitty lighting and angsty looking makeup and set design are all you need to be a counter-culture film icon, I know at least a thousand people on youtube who should be directing Sweeney Todd.
Now let's move on to his materials. Do I have a soft-spot for Alice in Wonderland? Certainly. But I'd be just as pissed if this man touched ANYTHING Disney ever made that didn't start in N and end in ightmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton's Little Mermaid? Tim Burton's Beauty and the Beast? hey, Disney, I've got an idea, let me get Eli Roth on the phone to do Snow White. I could get Tarantino to start working on a draft of Hunchback. Oh, let's have Oliver Stone take a whack at Aladdin! No harm in destroying your good name there, right?
Fuck, every Disney ever, even Elias Disney, Walt's furniture-making Pappy, are doing triple-lutzes six feet ender right now.
You can openly call me a fascist son of a bitch if you want, and I will accept that that is where my viewpoints have led me, but why do we have to fuck with shit that isn't broken? Hmm? Disney movies are a cultural institution. Not for America. For the World. Where do you think Hayao Miyazaki would be if it weren't for Steamboat Willie? Disney didn't just pioneer animation. They did. They also probably played one of the largest parts in helping to shape the American Musical for the past 70 some-odd years, along with Rodgers and Hammerstein and some of the other great lyrical teams of Broadway's infancy. And I can understand if there's one or two Disney movies you'd want another crack at. Some aren't immortal. You know, a lot aren't meant to be. But Alice in Wonderland is in that elite upper echelon with Beauty and The Beast, and The Little Mermaid, and Pinocchio, and Cinderella, where you just don't fuck with them. Not never interpret the stories again. Just, you know, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM DISNEY'S VERSIONS OF THEM.
And also, how pretentious a son of a bitch do you have to be to put "Tim Burton's" before anything? Like we're going to confuse your poorly lit Batman with Christopher Nolan's. We won't. His had direction.
Why do we as a culture have to darken everything? Why is it that, when we reach sixteen, we feel secretly guilty about still being attached to our childhood joys, so we get shitheads like Todd MacFarlane to do them up in bondage ? Do you realize it's our shame over still sleeping with Care Bears that keeps these assholes in business? That the time you put Mr. Snugglekins away because your friend Krissie called you a little girl is why American McGee drives a Benzo and wears italian suits, not a DuckTales shirt that he got on hottopic.com? (Oh, it's there, apparently Magica McQuack is the new poster child for Goth Children. Those fuckers.); And now, when our childhood will be further perverted by this goddamn sonofabitch con-man Tim Burton, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.
We could've stopped him.
We could've stopped him at Batman Returns, Mars Attacks, Big Fish or Planet of The Apes.
We shouldn't have given him get out of Jail cards for The Corpse Bride or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory or Sleepy Hollow.
Because now he's not just laughing to the bank. He's laughing to the vault where we keep our childhoods.
That asshole has officially become the boogeyman.
And spare me, the perennial excuse that Victorian London is supposed to look Gothic. It was remarkably well-lit and clean by world standards at the time.
You know what's fucking Gothic?
Watching your childhood rot away before your very eyes.
FUCK!
If I EVER see Tim Burton at Disneyland, or even in person, he's gonna get a swift and terrible kick of vengeance right in the cock from,
RM
Good god, it feels so good to get that off my chest.
Thank you, Messr. M, for creating a safe forum for these kind of revelations.
Also, (in accent), "Whaaat's the deeaaaaal with Todd McFarlane?"
And I will talk to you soon? If nothing else, I'll be knocking around the kitchen all day thursday, I'll try to watch for you on IM.
Peace,
J
I still feel kind of tepid about Mars Attacks, but I love Beetlejuice, for example.
I, even, don't share your opinion that Alice in Wonderland is untouchable and pristine, though I do admit American McGee is a hack, and should be hurt for what he did to it.
But I'll tell you what: You're right.
He has to be stopped.
I knew it way back when, I was sure of it as soon as I saw the first trailers for Planet of the Apes. And after I walked out of that theater I knew--I knew that Tim Burton was nothing but a horrible automaton, with a little piece of whirring metal where his heart should be.
Also, they've co-opted Magica DeSpell? They don't even know who the fuck she is! I'm teaching kids that have never even heard of DuckTales, and that in itself breaks my heart. Now...
I feel like the next great civilization is going to dig up "Jesus is my Homeboy" t-shirts and then they're gonna become all the rage despite nobody having any idea who Jesus is. They'll just wear them because beards are fashionable, or because it's cool to wear radiant circles of light around one's head. Seriously? They don't know Launchpad from Leonidas, those tools.
First thought: I totally concur with your sentiments re: Hot Topic generation, though I would not place the blame solely on the shoulders of Burton. He was doing his thing (as were the Care Bears, He-man, and every other cool thing) before Hot Topic co-opted it all with its wicked tendrils to sell it to chronically uncool kids who want to seem chic. But obviously, someone in Hot Topic knows what they're doing, and isn't just a poser. There's a reason all this cool stuff from our youth has appeared on their black, black racks - I imagine they have someone in their employ not unlike Brian Cox's son Jason (a Mastermind riff) in X2 - some really cool kid from our generation who's hooked up to 139 tubes that sucks out information about what's fun and nifty, which is then fed through computers and translated into corporate agenda for the Abercronies.
Crap - it's almost 5. I gotta boogie out of work (just beat the load-bearing boss Captain Klock).
http://www.boxxet.com/Johnny_Depp/Video_Depp_s_Sweeney_singing_session.1axxff.d
I mean, the fact that the question was raised: "Can you sing?" and the answer was, "I don't know" from a man who was subsequently allowed to even TOUCH THE PAGES OF A SONDHEIM SCORE ....
The question should be "Can you act?" ... because even if one can't, the music itself behind a wall is a masterpiece.