The Ramblings and Ravings of the Last Sane Mind in my Head.

My Movin' Jar, and other resignations about existence

2008-11-07T09:18:00.003-05:00

I know, three months, shut up.

I've been busy.

So, quick thought about....the election (dramatic music ici).

I'm done.

No, I wasn't a McCain supporter, nor was I really, to be honest with myself, a Barack supporter. I just wanted something to affirm my basic belief in American democracy, so I could finally stop labeling myself as a monarchist when people ask me what political party I belong to.

Which brings me to my Movin' jar.

It sits on top of my bookcase. It's an old mason jar with, as of this morning, 351.65 in it. The purpose of said jar is to save up enough money (approx. 3000) to expatriate myself, and move to another country. Here's why. American television programs are now seen all around the globe. And I've received every assurance that Thor will be hitting the World's theaters in 2010.

So, why am I here? Or, to those of you still listening, why am I leaving in 2648.35?

The election.

Yeah, we elected a new and, by all accounts, awesome dude for Top American. I'm thrilled. It's my favorite Bravo program. But go to any message board. Go to any Op-Ed news channel/page. Talk to anyone.

America hasn't changed. Americans haven't changed. And, at the risk of sounding like the future expatriate I am, Americans are what's wrong with America. Not Red America, not Blue America, America and it's people as a whole are a self-righteous, overly-opinionated knee-jerk mob even by the sort of generic low standards I have for over eight or so humans in a room as a whole. The party calling the tune has changed, but the tragic Sgt. Musgrave's Dance of American life moves ever onward towards oblivion.

I don't want to come off as holier-than-thou. This is my problem, not everyone else's. Because i don't have much to believe in that isn't Teddy Ruxpin or Sweden's Royal House of Bernadotte suddenly annexing Massachusetts, I'm probably less tolerant of this because I don't have a side, so I never really feel the validation of my team winning, so my faith in the system is never really vindicated.

I think I'm ending this post here, before it gets either A.) More Maudlin, or B.) Less logical.

Hey, a quarter!

2648.10. Lyon, je suis sur mon chemin!

Au revoir in however long this takes,
Jean-Jacques Breyten RM

"If I hear the name Edward Nygma one more time I swear to Fucking God...", and other outbursts I've made while gazing into the eyes of the internet

2008-08-15T13:10:00.002-04:00

I can be a victim of hype like anyone.

I was excited to see The Dark Knight as much as anyone, anticipating it with bated breath in October.

I've probably pushed Disney's The Princess and The Frog harder than anyone outside of The Disney Studios, for which I assume I will be recompensed at some point.

But seriously, this shit has got to fucking stop.

I can't take fanboys anymore. It's the unfortunate byproduct of a summer full of geek love, which I was originally glad for. Now I see it's cost. It's cost, as I Have detailed in the past, is a rabid, vociferous and self-satisfied fan base that I will have to put up with for the foreseeable future.

If you didn't get the link, it's to a page on firstshowing.net that has a fanboy poster that he submitted. And it's an excellent poster. Could easily be considered professional. But it's the non-stop deluge of discussions on what happens in movie three that accompanies it that I can't handle.

And again, I admit my guilt. I've explained to a few of you what I would like to see done with the third, but it seems like no one wants to be satisfied with what was an excellent movie. Like crack addicts, they immediately posit on the next film.

My critical mistake was posting on that page. I couldn't resist trying to cool the flames, pointing out that other than Frank Gorshin's Riddler (from the Adam West TV Series), no incarnation of the Riddler has been anything other than, well, a little sad. No one knows what to do with him, and so no one really has. Gorshin's manic performance, which became the inspiration for the modern Joker, is the only highlight in the character's career. In the animated series, he was barely used; Jim Carrey's Riddler was a joke, and not in the flattering way; In the comics he's become little more than a nerd in a bowler hat. Why does anyone want to bring him back? So unfortunately I posted that, and have had, to date, 68 responses, with 41 of them telling me I should know better. I should have.

And why does anyone want Killer Croc? Or Clayface? They'd be ridiculous in Nolan's world. In a different but equally farcical way than The Riddler.

Riddle me this: Why is it that a subculture of filmgoers that prides itself on its vitriol of mainstream cinema collectively wets themselves when they hear about Johnny Depp as The Riddler? The only person who actually believes that Johnny Depp is counter-culture anymore is Johnny Depp. When you make over 20 mil a picture, that's as radical as apple pie, and not in the flattering way. Angelina Jolie, too. You'll shit on her Lara Croft, but you'll eat up her Selina Kyle. In what world where you take yourselves seriously does that seem fair? Riddle me that.

Don't get me wrong. When the time comes that the Nolan's choose to make TDK3, if they do, I'll be excited as anyone else to hear the rumors and see the viral campaigns. But not the ones that High Lord Asdlevar photoshops in his basement in Poughkeepsie, however excellent they may be.

Riddle me this: When does someone spend all their time in the future?

When they can't be satisfied with the present.

And I don't mean that in a flattering way.

If only to prove to Margaret that three people filled this stupid thing out....

2008-08-06T22:51:00.002-04:00

1. Do you like blue cheese? God no. Neither in dressing nor solid form. It is tangible proof that dairy is not infallible.
2. Have you ever smoked? Yes. Many things.
3. Do you own a gun? Does Nerf count?
4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? Gotta go with green.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not really. My doctor is cool.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Delicious black sheep of the sausage family (I'm fairly sure there is no sheep in hot dogs)
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Christmas themed? The Rankin/Bass Rudolph. Movie that I always watch on Christmas? You'd be astonished how often that holiday drives me to Blazing Saddles.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Cranberry Juice.
9. Can you do push ups? Yes. It's a question of frequency. Also, I can do the clapping ones.
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Audrey Hepburn's necklace in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
11. Favorite hobby? Competitive Bullshitting.
12. Do you have A.D.D.? What's that about a bird? Yeah, wikkid bad.
13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? Crippling Self-doubt.
14. Middle name? Ah, my nom du guerre, Tully.
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
1. I hope people think these answers are funny.
2. I wonder if Disney could make Ivanhoe.
3. I hope they don't until I get there.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water, Coke, Liquor.
17. Current worry? That somewhere, right now, as we speak, someone is thinking about how much they hate me.
18. Current hate right now? That asshole that hates me.
19. Favorite place to be? Squam Lake in NH, or The Mexico Ride at EPCOT.
20. How did you bring in the New Year? I don't remember.
21. Where would you like to go? Club 33.
22. Name three people who will complete this. Erin, Adrienne, and Margaret. Ha! I got it right!
23. Do you own slippers? Somewhere.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? Grey. Oh yeah, I'm a rebel like that.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Only when starring in 70s porn, you weirdo.
26. Can you whistle? Second only to Nate Ewert-Krocker.
27. Favorite color? I've come to appreciate brown a great deal.
28. Would you be a pirate? No, nor would I be a ninja. I hate those two options. I choose Highwayman.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? A Medley of ABBA, Green Day, and Disney. That wasn't a joke.
30. Favorite Girl's Name? Gwendolyn, or Cecily. Don't make me choose.
31. Favorite boy's Name? Um, Ryan? Is there any OTHER boy's name?
32. What's in your pocket right now? Okay....a lighter, two open pack of gum (different types), an uncashed check, three pens, my cell phone, my DS, two movies from netflix, my wallet, one five dollar bill, three singles, and $2.43 in change. (They were cargos)
33. Last thing that made you laugh? Me. Someone at work today pronounced metaphysics "metalphysics", and I thought about copper's quest for self-realization. I thought it was hilarious.
34. Best bed sheets as a child? My TMNT sheets. Slumber Power!
35. Worst injury you've ever had? Most unpleasant is probably the broken nose from the car crash in December.
36. Do you love where you live? Christ no.
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two, I think.
38. Who is your loudest friend? I'd love to say it's someone other than me, but then someone would probably stare at me until they convince me that I am my own loudest friend.
39. How many dogs do you have? None yet. But once I move into a pet-friendly apt., then my English Bulldog, Sir Percy Chubbs-Cuddlington of the Pembrokeshire Chubbs-Cuddlingtons is go!
40. Does someone have a crush on you? I hope so. If not, that'd be rather disenchanting.
41. What is your favorite book? I wish it was something intellectual, but it's probably Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese. I know, I'm a philistine.
42. What is your favorite candy? Toblerone.
43. Favorite Sports Team? BC Eagles. Mostly hockey. But also some of the footeball.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? "You're So True", by Joseph Arthur.

On the Impossibilities of Intellectual Property and Other Hare-brained Theories...

2008-08-04T14:56:00.002-04:00

It strikes me that.....

(blur passes across face, loud THUD sounds)

Damn you, you hairy, bowler-wearing bastard!

(nothing? Oh well. Worth a shot)

Anyhow, it strikes me that whatever idea I'm about to have, some French peasant probably thought of it sometime during the now infamous millet harvests of 1479.

Now, granted he may not have had all the tools to correctly formulate his idea. In fact, he didn't even have the seed drill at the time, (Ah, Etienne, mon coeur saigne pour vous.), but nonetheless, I'm sure that at some point Etienne said to himself:

"Ah, quelle bonne récolte de millet c'est. Si seulement mon épouse et sept enfants, seulement deux dont vécu après l'âge de cinq, pourrait voir ceci. Si seulement il y avait une manière de leur montrer immédiatement ce que je vois, aussi bien que des charges de l'autre merde faite par les personnes pharisaïques qui s'aiment des artistes, comme Jean-Phillipe, le forgeron local."

("Ah, what a fine crop of millet this is. If only my wife and seven children, only two of which lived past the age of five, could see this. If only there was a way to instantly show them what I am seeing, as well as loads of other crap done by self-righteous people who fancy themselves artists, like Jean-Phillipe, the local blacksmith.")

Ergo, Etienne invented a fore-runner to Youtube.

So every time I think of something, the only difference between what I am thinking and what good ol' Etienne thought of is the technological and cultural advances that enable me to take his concepts to the next level.

Now, if you've still followed me after my butchery of French, you may be saying, "Now see here, my good fellow, that still means that you've come up with an inventive thought. If you've contributed to it, you have a creative stake in it."

Perhaps, though it's just as likely that someone else in our 6b population across humanity has thought of what I thought of, yet dismissed it as stupid.

So, isn't inventiveness really only the logical extensions of stupidity not knowing any better? From a metaphysical perspective?

So, for all of you wondering why I've shelved my long-anticipated musical memoirs of Daniel Craig's favorite classical music albums, tentatively titled Craig's Liszt, it's because that asshole Etienne already thought of it.

You respect and you fear this. You WORSHIP IT!

2008-07-30T11:51:00.001-04:00

Shameless Plugs

2008-07-28T12:31:00.002-04:00

PLEASE COME READ MY JOINT BLOG W/ WIRY LIBERTINE:

WWW.WALTWHIMSY.BLOGSPOT.COM

It's a project blog where we rank and review every Disney theatrical feature, in the attempt to create the ultimate list.

We love comments and we encourage people who want to join us for a viewing.

So please go check it out.

We already have done:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Fun and Fancy Free
Lady and the Tramp
The Jungle Book
The Great Mouse Detective
The Lion King

Come join us for your favorite (if we haven't already done it, then find your silver medal). We can do this long-distance, too, so don't be afraid to get in touch. We can make this work for you!

End Plug.

In the Interest of Stirring the Pot...

2008-07-25T13:07:00.001-04:00

Heath Ledger was wonderful in the Dark Knight.

He doesn't deserve the Oscar.

He wasn't the best actor in that film.

All praise Aaron Eckhart.

Ah, Culture

2008-07-24T10:13:00.000-04:00

Chagrin over my own mots fortes and other otherities...

2008-07-18T12:19:00.002-04:00

So the last post seems pretty harsh.

And some of you have, rightfully so, called me on my opinions.

But I'd like to make a few counterpoints.

One, there is no question that film reviewers, particularly those of the clout of people like A.O. Scott or Roger Ebert are certaily given more heft of their opinion on there film than others. As much as we may laugh, the trailer for Iron Man didn't say....Steve from Poughkeepsie says "This is the finest action Film you'll see all year!", which I would argue does affect ticket sales and the number of people who go to see a movie. I grant that reviewers have more clout and that tends to give some of the more unpleasant people of their ilk a tendency to be holier than thou in their view of their own merits. That is a shame.

HOWEVER, I also find that people who have read Batman's The Killing Joke also feel MORE than entitled to tell me why their opinions are more valid, so maybe I'm just tired of being in the middle (especially when my own views are obviously the right ones). And I know that in our society now we want a definitive word on everything because we don't have the time or desire (at least most of us) to want to understand stuff on a more complex level. There's other things that simply need to get done. So I don't begrudge the concept behind RT in trying to give films a numeric ranking.

I resent that some people tell me one thing based on their perceived superiority whilst simultaneously ignoring other people (whether it's right or wrong, they don't offer an M.F.A in reading The Long Halloween, they do in film criticism), which is the tenet of fascism. Perhaps I painted with to broad a brush using that term. But dismissing people's opinions as invalid without seriously entertaining them and even going so far as threatening them is fascism, right? It's bullying, because we've been calling out Fox News for doing that to guests for years, and we're right on that one.

We're a society of brutes because we are creatures that, at our core are all passion and instinct. And our first instinct when what we care about is threatened is to push back. Some of us are better at repressing those urges than others. They should be commended for that. Some people have a saint-like patience I could never hope to have (see last post). But the reality is that passionate people also tend to be opinionated people, and it's rare to find an opinionated person who will give full respect and credence to the other side of an argument. Because the other person is trying to tell you that what you are passionate about is wrong. Being passionate is a double-edged sword like that.

What I was trying to say, and I feel it got lost in what, I see now, was a deluge of poorly chosen phraseology and examples, is that I don't believe in righteous anger/vindication through perceived superiority, which is the first tool in any good Holier-Than-Thou Man's Utility Belt. Perhaps there are one in a million times (you just watched a devil shoot a baby) where you can be pissed off and feel that the forces of right are on your side, but more often than not it's your opinion of your justness that makes you righteous, which is a term I only accept as a one word adjective immediately followed by a guitar solo.

Long story short, I just want people to be open-minded that The Dark Knight may not be the 2nd coming.

Unless we're talking IMAX.

Also, I want an otter.

Our inability to handle external merde and other manure based phenomena...

2008-07-16T14:42:00.004-04:00

There are many things to say about the Dark Knight, but this is one of them.

The film currently holds somewhere between an 89-91 at Rottentomatoes.com. Six reviews so far have come in as rotten. The first one, by the film reviewer of The New Yorker makes valid artistic criticisms that I feel, if I were dissatisfied with the film, I would see as being my exact problems. He has received 530 comments as of right now (7/16/2008, 2:51 pm EST), ranging from purile, childish insults to death threats. I shit you not, death threats.

530 comments of that. I took the time to count. The total number of comments on positive reviews is 249. And that's the total of 53 positive reviews.

Each of the other five negative reviews have more at least four times as many comments on any of the positive reviews (it would be closer to six, if not for a high volume on Ebert's critique). And all of them the same.

No one allows that their opinions are valid, as all of them are reviewers of reputable magazines, as opposed to Emmanuel Levy of Emmanuellevy.com. And certainly no one admits that their points may be correct in areas. The so-called fans of this intellectual, dark, intelligent film are behaving like the troglodytes they perceive everyone else to be.

At the end of the day, we are a species of brutes. I don't mean to say that negatively, it just is what it is. And people who think we aren't are fooling themselves. Even a person with an IQ of 175 and the patience of a saint will, when properly provoked, start swearing like a 7th grader and either start trying to strike you or think about it because you're bigger than he is.

What bothers me is this inherent concept of righteous anger. There is no such thing as righteous anger. Or having the right to be upset. You are upset. It's just a fact of life. And while some reasons for being upset are more understandable, there's never a anger that is justified because of your perceived superior understanding/intelligence/morality on any given issue. It's simply deluded thuggery. Maybe it's thuggery for a noble cause, but it's still thuggery.

I'm as excited as anyone to see this film, but my fear is that this birth of the "artistically valid" comic book film is giving a very vocal, traditionally repressed and angry minority a sort of "righteous anger" when there are other valid artistic voices disagreeing with them, and that it will only end poorly for all involved. I beg all of you out there who see this film, and indeed, the next time you hear anyone who didn't like a film you and most of your friends/the world liked, don't be a dick to the minority. Because if you are, that makes you a fascist. Which is cool, just don't be offended when I call you on it. Own what you are. And everyone who insulted or threatened David Denby is a fascist.

With All Due Respect to die Leute von Wermelskirchen

2008-07-11T18:50:00.002-04:00

I have often expressed my admiration for Dr. Uwe Boll.

It takes a man of the sublimest intellect to psychologically and artistically justify radical changes from any given source material (and, in his defense, he doesn't get the creme) in defense of the greater good of the finished product.

And, granted, he doesn't always succeed. Those who aim for the stars rarely reach them. But this doesn't in any way downplay his dedication or desire or his sense of artistic decency.

Indeed, it takes a visionary to not simply correlate film actors with prostitutes from a philosophical perspective, but to take his logic that step further and HIRE prostitutes to replace his actors. Bravo! D'accord!

But indeed, such lofty pursuits must tire Dr. Boll, and I think we can all agree that by going here, and signing the polite missive to encourage Dr. Boll to take a most heartily deserved sabbatical.

For he has taught us all so much.

Vaya con 1% on RT, Dr. Boll.

Sincerely,
RM

Robotic Undertakings by Steven Jobs the XXII and other thoughts

2008-07-01T17:54:00.001-04:00

Saw Wall-E and I will spare you the gushing and say only this:

Didn't Eve look a little like an iPod?

Glorious New Undertakings

2008-06-21T19:54:00.002-04:00

Some of you may have heard of this project, some may have not:

My fellow conspirator over at the Wiry Libertine and I have long held, as our sacred goal, the desire to watch every Disney Animated Feature ever made, and then categorically rank and score them. We have begun this massive undertaking here . we sincerely hope that you join us in our quest with your support, thoughts, prayers (if applicable) and financial donations (we won't say no). If you'd like to join us for a viewing, get in touch with us and let us know. We'll try to find a way to involve you.

It begins.

I've said it Before, And I'll Say It Again

2008-06-09T16:56:00.002-04:00

I have faith in Disney.

Not the blind, fanatical devotion I once had. No, I see Disney now for what it truly is. Flawed, yet beautiful. Our relationship is deeper now. More real. Stronger. I love Disney more now than I did five years ago.

Why this succinct yet profound declaration of love?:

She's why. Also this one....

These are shots from the two upcoming Disney films Rapunzel (above) and The Princess and The Frog (still above, but below Rapunzel).

I have often expressed great excitement over these upcoming releases, as they are both attempts by the creative powers within Disney to return to their more traditional, musical-based formulas that were so successful for much of the Disney canon. I can't stress enough my support for them committing to simple yet smart artistic decisions. For The Princess and The Frog, it's a Jazz Age New Orleans setting, which provides a lot of fun and intersting musical an character choices within a simple concept. Rapunzel, while details are relatively unknown still, has been describing it's artistic inspiration as Rococo, which makes me super excited to see what they do with that artistically. Despite her quasi-obnoxious "girl power-y" pose that I have frankly grown weary of, I am charmed by what I have seen of her so far.

You will be too. We all will be. We are witnessing a rebirth. Let us welcome it with open arms.

Ewwwww, Disney placenta!

RM

Commenting on my own comments, and other Realities in Escher's Universe.

2008-06-04T17:22:00.001-04:00

Okay.

Top 5 Top 5 Lists:

top 5 Early 90s Animated TV Shows NOT AFFILIATED with the Disney Channel:
5.) King Arthur and the Knights Of Justice:
It's an entire starting HS football team (HS archetypes/stereotypes) transported to Ancient England (culture shock humor) and given enchanted armor with magical powers (mechas). There is no weak point.
4.) Animaniacs/Pinky and The Brain/Freakazoid:
WB Kids single-handedly shaped my childhood humor lobe towards existential bizarrities with these shows. Even if only Anton and I think Freakazoid is funny.
3.)X-Men:
Single baddest (coolest in 90s-speak) guitar solo theme in history. Suck it Top Gun.
2.) Batman: The Animated Series:
This show brought children into the worlds of Steampunk, Art Deco, and Film Noir. No other show can claim such a grand success artistically.
1.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:
The single largest marketing orgasm of the late 80s-early 90s. I don't know a single boy within a five year range of me that DIDN'T own Turtle gear.

top 5 movies that contained a Cusack:
5.) High Fidelity - The movie that told me it was okay to obsess about Top 5 lists.
4.) Meet The Robinsons - A really Sweet Disney Movie with Joan Cusack as the voice of the Grandmother/Mother.
3.) The Sure Thing - It actually contains the lines "Dear Penthouse, I never thought I'd be writing to you...." and the lines "Lapsang Souchong? That's really more of a studying tea."
2.) In and Out - Ahhh, the movie where Kevin Kline tried vainly to convince us all he wasn't gay. .....wait, that was a movie?
1.) Midnight in The Garden of Good and Evil - That's right, I like this one more than Being John Malkovich. Face!

top 5 songs that you just wish would die:
5.) Since You've Been Gone, by Kelly Clarkson - There are only so many songs I can stand hearing shrieked by drunken girls at a party.
4.) Golddigger, by Kanye West - This song has given him waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy to much power. Also, am I the only one a little sick of Jamie Foxx?
3.) If I had A Million Dollars, by The Bare-Naked Ladies - I don't care how funny or ironic it is, let it die. I don't want a goddamn fruit-roll up. And if I had a million dollars tax free, I would NOT eat Spamghetti.
2.) I Try, by Macy Gray - Seriously, what were we all thinking?
1.) American Pie, by Don McLean - Not only is it twenty goddamn minutes long, it is cliched and oversung by people who try to be deep and there's no guitar solo. I can't STAND it.

top 5 comic book characters I could take:

5.) Black Bolt - This guy's voice is so powerful that he could level cities with a whisper. So he has no mutant powers and is super-paranoid. I think I can handle that.
4.) Dr. Johannes Krauss - From Hellboy, He's gas in a jar. it's fancy-shmancy gas in a cool-ass jar, but that doesn't change anything.
3.) The Mad Hatter - I love this cat, but he's a joke. Even with the apropos team up with Scarecrow, he was still ridiculous.
2.) Mr. Mxyzplk - For an interdimensional being with a bad-ass sense of humor and nearly limitless power....what a sucker.
1.) Don McLean - I don't care if he is a comic-book character, I'll draw him into one. He has it coming for American Pie (see above).

top 5 Disney Movies, ever, for cereal, no one can call BS on this*:
*= because of the super-sensitivity in our circle of friends on this issue, and the fact that I could write a dissertation on this, I will restrain myself to listing. I welcome any criticisms/debate.

5.) The Great Mouse Detective.
4.) Sleeping Beauty.
3.) The Little Mermaid.
2.) Aladdin.
1.) Beauty and The Beast.

top 5 categories for the game Kill/F*ck/Marry:

5.) Disney Princesses.
4.) European Monarchs.
3.) Video Games.
2.) Obscure Olympic Sports.
1.) Types of Meat.

Behold my awesome abilities to listificate! Debate my beliefs, but know they are always right.

RM

Seriously, it's not an option

2008-05-28T12:41:00.002-04:00

I demand DEBATE!

Ooodles, gobs, smorgasbords of DEBATE! I crave it! My soul needs competitive banter to survive! It becomes a shriveled pod of hate that was once the fruit of knowledge! DO YOU HEAR ME?! MY SOUL BECOMES A RAISIN!

To prevent this, I have raised a few subjects I would like some scholarly reflection upon:

Top 5 ' "Oh, this song is so lame!" and then you dance anyways' Songs of All Time

Top 5 Biggest Movie Letdowns (movie doesn't have to be bad, just not what you hoped)

aaaaaaand.....

Top 5 Comic Book Characters you think you could take in a fight

Let's go! You show me yuors, and I'll show you mine!

RAISINS!

Theories on The Mythic Nortwestern Pacific

2008-05-16T13:12:00.003-04:00

Ah Seattly.

Noble Seattly.

Sweet Seattly.

The bluest skies you've ever seen in Seattly,
And the hills the greenest green in Seattly.

I'm done.

It's been on my mind of recent. A friend of mine just moved out there, and I've been doing my damnedest to see, if a certain something goes my way, if I can too. I also just sent out three plays, one one-act and two full-lengths, to their playwriting festival.

I've lost what little perspective I have on my own work. I could write the next Great American Novel and be unable to distinguish it from 'FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL 617-775-2616'. That frustrates me, but all I can do is keep moving forward, and hope that Seattle is hip to the jive I'm spinning.

Do kids still say that? hip?

I don't know anymore.

Caspian this weekend. Everyone keep an open mind. Give this the respect that you all gave Lord Of The Rings. It's not LOTR's cute kid brother. It's an equal.

Also, Speed Racer hurt. A lot. But I'll still support it. Speed needs our prayers now more than ever.

Prayfully,
RM

I miss Drew......Like Jim Krasinski misses Rainn

2008-05-06T16:23:00.003-04:00

Bear with me. I promise to keep reality-related posts to a minimum. After this, I'll try to keep to pop-culture commentary.

My cubi-pal Drew is on vacation this week. He and his girlfriend are going to Cabo, which should be fun. Still, he was my first 'work friend' and I miss him.

It's weird, I always dreamed that the person I worked with would be like Dwight from 'The Office'. You know, the dour, 9 to 5 soul who doesn't get my hip rhetoric and ability to compare various preserved fruits to children's television shows without using Strawberry Shortcake thank you very much. In fact, I think that's what I kind of hoped for. Instead, the first time I brought up Ducktales, and asked if he thought he was a Huey, Dewey, Or Louie, he answered, without batting an eyelash, "I'm more of a Bubba."

Fuck! How cool is that. He's like some sort or pre-brined pickle, he's so cool.

Without him I've just got Mark, who, though a nice enough guy, just kind of nods, smiles and says "yup." whenever I try to wax poe-wit-ical. It sucks.

Anyhow, that's all I got.

Except:
Iron Man: May be my favorite Marvel movie yet.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: There's a Dracula Puppet Musical. That's all that needs be said.

Later,
RM

Evil Music in Kenmore Square

2008-04-22T10:14:00.001-04:00

Not that many of you know or even care, but this year's winner of the Women's Boston Marathon?

Dire Tune.

I don't care how you pronounce it, because I pronounce it Bad-Ass.

I got nothing else.

RM

Summer Movies, or Why I'm glad I have a job

2008-04-17T08:36:00.003-04:00

Mofst Edifyingly Erudite Eglantines and Eberhards,

....Nope. Not my style. Worth a try though.

What ho, Watchers!

By my rough calculations, I am currently out of pocket almost two-hundred dollars. No, I did not lose my debit card. No, I wasn't a gamblying my moneys away. No, I haven't hit rock bottom with my alcoholism yet....I can go WAY lower....

I've set aside money for this summer's crop of movies.

The last time I intentionally apportioned money aside for a movie was sophmore year, and the now infamous Shaun of the Dead debacle, which is still one of three reasons I intend to kill Bob Proctor (the other two are mostly due to mafia contracts).

Assuming summer starts in the last week of April (which we all know it does):
The Forbidden Kingdom - The first movie to co-star Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Yes, I'm still 13, I'll still go see that.
Speed Racer - I don't care what you say, this movie is my Passion of the Christ. Ironically, Racer X bleeds on a cross for the final 45 minutes of the movie.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall - I like Judd Apatow movies. You do too. Admit it, McLovin.
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay - Yes, I'm 13. And this is a stupid comedy. But at least the first one was a good stupid comedy. With Neil Patrick Harris!
Iron Man - It looks bad-ass. If only Gwyneth Paltrow could have been removed from this project....
Prince Caspian - I'm sticking to my guns here. When all is said and done, this series will be as good as, if not BETTER THAN Lord of the Rings.
Wall-E - At this point, I just go to see Pixar movies to see if they're EVER going to lay an egg.
Indiana Jones 4 - No breathing human man can refuse this film. Even with Shia The Beef.
Hellboy 2 - There's no defense of this one other than I'm a loser. And I've seen the first one, like, 90 times on FX.
The Incredible Hulk - It's Edward Norton and Tim Roth in a Geek-to-Freak Super Showdown!
The Dark Knight - Sweet Mary Mother of God.....yes. Yes. Yes.
So that's Eleven movies I'm actively making time to go see in a three month period, when I don't ever do that with movies. And I'm sure I'm forgetting at least one movie. That's how good this summer will be.
Now, calculating that it costs me $10.50 for a ticket, plus $5 or so for a soda or a popcorn or something, then assuming I go see these with friends, the inevitable two or three drinks at a bar discussing the movie will cost me $15, give or take, then getting busted by the 5-0 because I was drinking and driving and getting a ticket and bailing myself out will cost me around $250 each time, so.....carry the 9...

I'm actually out $2,931.50.

Shit, I forgot sales tax.

Man, I'm glad I have that job.

RM

Somme are born lier, and how Seth Rogen proved I may just be a Republican

2008-04-10T10:27:00.003-04:00

I start a sommelier training class on Saturday, which should be fun AND interesting, as opposed to that shit that's only one or the other. Why can't more things be funformational?

I finally got around to seeing the new Horton Hears a Who movie. It was okay. I'm growing weary of Steve Carell, and I am definitely tired of Jim Carrey. Who decided to pay a physical comedian money for a voice over? Maybe that one is just me.

If you told me today that one of the two versions of this story was going to be locked into a steel safe, and then dropped into a Rube Goldbergian machine of destruction while that cartoon music is playing (you know, the one that they always play when stuff goes through such machines: Da da daaa da daddle la da da, da da daaa daddle la da....Anton once told me what is was called. I forget now), I would without batting an eyelash choose the older one. The conspicuous lack of both a Dr. Whoovey AND a song dedicated to the Wickersham brothers, who in the new version are little more than dumb gorilla mobsters (Thank you, Seussical), make me completely willing to let the new one die.

Then I realized that there is no movie I can immediately think of where I prefer the remake to the original. Not one.

Then I realized that, within the four walls of my local AMC Framingham 16, I am a republican.

I fear change, and inherently resent people who force it on me to bring new perspectives and growth.

John McCain would have my vote TODAY if the ballot box were in a movie theatre, right before Tim Burton's Disney's Alice in Wonderland.

That scares me a little.....but not as much as the original.

RM

1080p inebriation, and the truth about cats and dogs

2008-04-04T09:47:00.003-04:00

I can now say I fully understand what the deal with Toulouse-Lautrec was.

I have experienced absinthe.

And let me clarify. I don't believe in working one's way into a drink. One starts off at the top, and if one cannot handle it, then one works their way down.

So the absinthe I had was 70% alcohol by volume (vodka is 40, for a reference point), with 100mg/kg of thujone, the neurotoxin that give absinthe it's unique kick.

And let me be clear, I saw no green fairy.

Experiencing abisnthe to me was like being absolutely plowed in HD. When I get drunk, things tend to go a little fuzzy visually and mentally, and I tend to tire out and eventually crash in some room, wishing everyone would just go the fuck home. Or I leave the bar. Either or. With Absinthe, you're just as plowed, but this Thujone stuff acts as like a stimulant and a clarifier, you know, like mixing astelin (ask your doctor), and cocaine (go right for it). So while I was just as inebriated, I had the clarity to enjoy the euphoria without all the baggage.

I could very much learn to enjoy this drink.

I was watching CBS' the Early Show today (bear with me, I suck), and they had on one of those feel good stories. This one was about a dog with no front legs, that had been trained to walk upright.

An impressive skill. But, come on. There are some feel good stories that just make you feel....bad. I'm thrilled that that dog is still alive and rocking, but don't show him to me. C'mon.

Cats are music.

RM

Working in a supermarket for five days, the circle of hell the Niceans left out

2008-03-27T08:47:00.002-04:00

In my effort to supplement the lagging profits of my catering company, I accepted the ultimate shame of working part time at a Stop and Shop in Natick for a few days. Having taken and subsequently left that job for bigger and better things, I can now say my view of humanity is at least three shades dimmer than it was before. A few suggestions to anyone who reads this and shops at a supermarket:
-The Express lane? the one that says 12 items or less? That is not a polite reference, like a restaurant you should really try. Like, seriously. They make the best soup. No, it's a goddamn system. You only go through that line if you have 12 ITEMS OR LESS. If you have 13, and there's no line, then fine, we can take you through. But 26 is not 12. Unless you're a theoretical mathematician of unprecedented ability, and forgive me for assuming you're not.
-Wait until the person before you is done before you start throwing coupons and super-saver cards at the cashier. Yes, you're in a hurry. We know.
-If this is your first time in America over the past five years, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on your inability to know how credit cards work. If it isn't, than what the hell?
-The super-saver card can go on a key-chain. It should be ON YOUR KEYCHAIN. Don't tell me you left it in the car. If you did, you'd be more worried than you are. Just confess you haven't spent the two seconds it takes to get a card and want to use the supermarket's courtesy card. Own your shame.

That should help everyone out some. Here's a fun spring recipe you can do it with or without alcohol (I can't believe I gave you that option):
1/4 cup sugar
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
1/4 cup limeade concentrate or tequila
1/4 cup fresh orange juice or Triple Sec
4 egg yolks
1 teaspoon grated lime zest
1 cup whipping cream

Meringue:
*3 egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream or tartar
1/4 cup sugar

Custard:

In a medium saucepan, combine 1/4 cup of the sugar, the gelatin, and the salt. Stir in the lemon juice, lime juice, limeade (or tequila), and orange juice (or Triple Sec). Stir well. In a medium glass dish, whip the egg yolks until they are light. Stir in the lime zest. Add to the saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until the gelatin is dissolved, about 3 minutes. Remove from heat. Transfer to a plastic container and allow it to come to room temperature. Cover and refrigerate, stirring occasionally until the mixture has begun to gel, about 30 minutes.For the Meringue:With an electric mixer, beat egg whites with cream of tartar until soft peaks form. Gradually beat in the sugar until stiff. Fold in beaten whipped cream.

Remove custard from refrigerator and fold in the meringue. Place the mixture, when finished folding, back into the refrigerator and let chill.

When serving rim your glass with sugar and pour chilled mousse into glass.

Big Time,
RM

Why I'm A Libertarian, and Other Laments About Disney's Aladdin

2008-03-10T12:43:00.002-04:00

William F. Buckley died this week. You may have known him when he was alive. Or you've seen him in death on The Colbert Report or any other number of shows. I shall always remember him not as a conservative pundit, nor as a Yale Man, Nor even as a drinker of legendary proportions that I could never live up to. I shall always remember him as a character played by the Genie in Aladdin.
He was the one that said "Um, Master, there are certain provisos, a couple of quid pro quos." With the Bowtie and the goofy teeth. You remember him. C'mon, let's face it, if you're reading this, I could reference Song of The Freaking South and half of you would know which late 40s racist, Uncle Remusy film I was talking about.
All the articles and eulogies about him have lamented the lack of intellectual conservatism. And it's true. There are no more smart conservatives of his sheer charisma to counter the collective utter jackassery of Lou Dobbs, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Pap Bear O'Reilly. But it also bears noting that most liberals are evolving too. While once liberals were impassioned, fervent, unapologetically real people, they've evolved into a detached, smug, holier-than-thou group of pedants who when countered with anything look as though they were just told by a five year-old that the earth is filled with P'sghetti-Os. (NO ONE TAKES THAT CHILDHOOD DREAM AWAY FROM ME!)
Watching politics now for me is like watching one of those mish-mash movies of the seventies where they would force two disparate plots together and make them work. This One is Like The Island of Dr. Moreau's Time Machine. It's like simulatneoulsy watching two men devolve into what the other perceives them to be. One a comically brutish ape, the other an obliviously blithe and smug intellectual.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, in this country, I have no political affiliation. In fact I'm starting to see the logic of Ben Franklin's essays in response to Rousseau, in which he said that "Politics, particularly Popular Politics, is the fastest way to prove that mankind and apes are not so different."
Democracy does not work in this country, in this form, anymore. If the 08 election was Democracy v. Another Alternative, I honestly think Democracy wouldn't pull a 75% majority. Not because the system is flawed. All things are flawed. If I ever see a perfect anything, I'm going to scuff it a little, even if only I know it's there. The system accentuates and aggrevates flaws, and in doing so poisons everything it tries to accomplish.
William F. Buckley managed to for forty or so years hold back this tide through his sheer charisma and his undefinability. We need another one of him, if only to pass along these problems to our children. Because, let's be honest, they're already boned.

Someone named "Starsistar" asked for this.....

2008-03-07T08:59:00.003-05:00

No idea who you are, but here is a good wheat-free dessert recipe:

*I originally did the measurements in grams in my kitchen. I appreciate most of you didn't gank some columbian drug-lords scales to keep in your kitchen, so I've converted as best I can. Praise Allah! Hahahahah, Homonym. Good Stuff. Better end this before it drags on.*

crust:
3 med. eggs
110g (a little less than half a cup) golden caster sugar
50g (a quarter cup) ground almonds
25g (1 3/4 tbsps) cornflour
2-3 drops almond extract
800g (3 1/2 cups) apricot halves in juice, drained
1 tbsp brandy

filling:
11g sachet gelatine (a small pack of gelatin)
50g (a quarter cup) golden caster sugar
2 med. egg whites
300ml (1 1/3 cups) double cream
icing sugar to dust

1.
Line a 9 " spring clip baking tin with baking parchment.
2.
Place the eggs and sugar in a large bowl over a pan of hot water. Whisk the mixture until thick enough to leave a ribbon trail when the whisk is lifted out. Fold in the ground almonds, cornflour and almond extract with 2 tbsp of hot water.
3.
Pour into the prepared tin and bake for 20 - 25 minutes or until sponge bounces back when lightly touched in the centre. Leave to cool and then remove from the tin.
4.
Line a 20 cm 8 " spring clip baking tin with clear film. Then using the base of the tin as a guide, trim the sponge to fit the tin. Cut the sponge in half horizontally and place one half in the base of the tin. Arrange enough apricots over the sponge to cover it, sprinkle over the brandy and set aside.
5.
Now make the filling. In a small bowl sprinkle the gelatine over 3 tbsp cold water and leave until spongy, then stand the bowl in a pan of hot water and stir until dissolved. If you are using vegetarian gelatine then follow the packets instructions. Leave to cool.
6.
Place remaining apricots in a food processor with the caster sugar and blend until smooth. Transfer to a bowl. Whisk the egg whites and cream in a separate bowl until just stiff. Working quickly stir the cold gelatine into the puréed apricots, then fold in the cream and egg whites. Pour the mixture into the tin over the apricot halves, and chill for 1 hour.
7.
Place the second sponge on top and chill for a further 2 hours.
8.
Remove from the tin carefully, as it will be quite fragile, dust with icing sugar and serve.

And there is my wheat-free Apricot Torte. Suck it people who cannot make things without "real flour".

Belated Literary Criticisms and Recipes, as well as a dash of politics

2008-03-05T08:57:00.002-05:00

As promised in my last post (which, though below, technically precedes this post. It's complicated. Bear with me.) I shall now follow through on another recipe and pretend to be literate, in that order:

A New Anise Cookie Recipe I Have Been Working On (Name in Progress):
1/2 c. butter
1/2 c. shortening
1 1/2 c. sugar
4 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. anise extract
1 tsp. lemon extract
1 tsp. vanilla extract
4 c. flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda

Frosting for aforementioned cookies:
2 c. confectioners' sugar
2-3 tbsp. milk
1 tsp. any of extracts
Melt shortening and butter and cool. Mix eggs, sugar, anise, lemon and vanilla. Blend in melted shortening. Add flour, baking powder and baking soda. Mix well until it forms a soft dough. Dough will be easier to work with when cool. Place spoonful on cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 15-20 minutes.
Mix confectioners' sugar, milk and extract to form desired consistency and drizzle on warm cookies.

In Terms of What I am reading, I am currently immersed in editing The Complete Dramatic Works of a friend of mine, A Messr. G. Fielding. So that's taking up a lot of my time.

Politics are stupid. All the candidates give me no hope that the system, which is broken beyond repair, can ever be rendered useful again. As some of you have heard me lecture before, I want a new landed aristocracy running large parcels of land dictated mostly by population. 26 families who can be appointed by America (The Kennedys, The Wahlbergs, The 50 Freaking Osmonds), and then those families remake a modern Feudal system with one of them serving as a titular overlord. I shall call it: Magna Kickass.

All I ask in return is a small fiefdom of my own somewhere in the pacific northwest. On the shore maybe?

RM

The Oscars, Literary Criticism, Recipes, and Other Panderings to the Four People who Read This Thing

2008-02-29T09:36:00.002-05:00

What hoe?

That hoe, noble readers! (indicates farming implement offstage)

Ah, an oldie but a goodie.

Anyhoo, let's get down to brass tacks.

The Oscars happened, and were the lowest rated in the show's history. Now some say this is because no "mainstream" film (One that made more than 100 million) was nominated for a major award other than Juno, but I have a different theory. It goes like this:

Jon Stewart isn't that funny.

There. Another dark secret off my dark, secretive chest. I don't find him funny anymore. He comes off as smarmy and smug and generally unlikable to the average American who doesn't watch his show with Born-Again Christian Zeal. And spare me that he only had a week or so to write the show. He was only responsible for what he said, not the nominees (they had a seperate writing staff), and he brought in his entire Daily Show writer's staff. One week to write maybe 45 minutes of material. And that's the best his team can do. I grow wearier of him every day.

In terms of what transpired at said Oscars My thoughts are thus:

- Javier Bardem and Daniel Day-Lewis are like Gods unto me. They deserved their awards.
- Thank God The Academy didn't fall into it's two traps I hate most: Fawning over British Actors and awarding people major awards for "body of work". That's BULLSHIT. Either your one performance is good enough, Julie Christie, or you wait for your lifetime achievement award. Bravo pour donnez le Oscar a Marion Cotillard, Academie.
- The Coen Brothers dominated the triad of best picture, director, and adapted screenplay, which I frankly thought would all go to There Will Be Blood. But Good for them.
- I still didn't like Diablo Cody's script enough to give her the Oscar.
- The song from Once (which I hadn't seen), blew me away.
- Sweeney Todd DID NOT deserve Best Art Direction. I stand by my thoughts on Tim Burton, who shouldn't be allowed back at the Oscars until I'm given another Ed Wood.
- Good to see The Bourne Ultimatum get some awards. I very much liked that trilogy.
- Also, did anyone see the ads for this new Horton Hears a Who Movie? Why can't they let some classics alone? I expect an apology, Messrs. Carrell and Carrey.

Literary Criticism and new Witner Recipes to follow,
RM

Pith....it's not Just for Helmets Anymore

2008-02-17T19:41:00.002-05:00

Hello Internet Viewers!

Today on my video blog*, I'd like to catch you up to what's been going on in my life since basically December, which was the last time I really posted with any reason or rhyme.

I left Kenyon under rather hurried circumstances, to address a family issue which had been building to a head for some months and eventually required my direct attention. On my way home, I stopped by my good friend and unofficial biographer Nathaniel J. Ewert-Krocker's stately Ohio Manse. While there, some unpleasantness arose between me and the local constabulary over the minutae of past charitable donations to the court systems, which was resolved in a matter of hours although, unfortunately, these hours were spent with some miscreants. However, they were friendly miscreants, and all was well.

On my way out of Ohio, and driving across New York, an unpleasant dialogue between my tires and the road on the subject of traction over ice while changing lanes and, Woe is your poor hero, I crashed into a tree at 40mph. Whilst I felt some great chagrin over the situation I was in, the paramedical staff were kind and attentive, and at the end of the day, though I was down a car and had a broken nose, multiple contusions, and a torn PCL, I had managed to save my decorative collection of antique tin toys. The day, in total, was a success.

After Family crises and Christmas, which all blend together into a prescription pain-killer induced phog of euphoria (I call it Euphorifog), i came home with the prospect of time on my hands for six months. This is about where you pick up new information so if you skipped the previous paragraphs because you already heard what happened, listen up:

My catering work continues, albeit not as smoothly as I would have liked for two reasons. One is that my primary financial backer has decided to buy a car for his college bound youngest born, leaving me once again with only my pittance of savings to start said company. The other is that focus groups have decided the name (see earlier entries subj: JFD) of my company sounds more like the contractors who make Frisch's Big Boy than a catering company, and have recommended I change it. Temporarily taking it under advisement, I have named the newly formed dessert wing of my culinary empire Utopiate, and continue to hope for the best.

This Valentines Day I made approximately 1,200 individually portioned desserts/tarts/cookies to sell, and have managed to sell all but ten. I am considering autographing them and putting them on eBay.

Other than that, I watch movies, drink, take long walks on the beach, go to classes at BC, rehab my knee at my old high school (I can use their equipt. free...) and generally don't post on this website because getting internet access in my house is not so much a convenience but a TASK SET FOR HERCULES HIMSELF!

Curious about a previous point? Did I fail to describe something of interest to you, Critic VonKritticheim, 17th Viscount of Crittichea? Drop me a line

MORE TO COME,
RM

*=may or may not be a video blog.

I'm not dead yet.

2008-02-10T16:49:00.001-05:00

Just very busy. More to come.

Circumstantiae involving Westfield, NY and why I haven't been around...

2007-12-28T22:58:00.000-05:00

What ho, long lost readers!

Yeah, so, long story short, last 18 some odd days:

After getting out of jail, totalled car crashing into tree going 40 mph on I-90.

Spent day in hospital, leaving with bruises, a busted nose, a short hair cut (they needed to trim for CAT Scan), and prescriptions for Valium and Vicodin.

The PT? Now scrap.

Returned home to MA in drug addled stupor, which remained through holidays.

Stood in line for six hours to get a Wii for my sister, eventually gaining pity for my injury and weaseling my way to the front of the line.

Got a new bathrobe for christmas.

Drank with Anton.

Got cool silver dollar.

Saw the following movies, equating them to Baseball teams:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chicago Cubs (Didn't suck as much as I expected)
Sweeney Todd: New YorkYankees (Sure, it was good, but it still didn't feel right)
National Treasure 2: St. Louis Cardinals (It could've been worse)
I Am Legend: New York Mets (Started out great, then munched hard)
Water Horse: Boston Red Sox (Kid Friendly fun, with a huge yet lovable monster [David Ortiz])

Good. Glad we caught up.

RM

Live!....From The Lake County Corectional Facility!

2007-12-11T08:38:00.000-05:00

For those of you who didn't hear, I spent yesterday in the Lake County, Ohio Correctional Facility. This was over some confusion over my license and whether or not it was suspended (OH says yea, FL nay), and I was out by dinner, however, I was in Jail long enough to pass along a few kernels of wisdom along to you, so here they are:

The PMRM's Top 10 Things You DIDN'T know about Ohio County Jail:
10.) The Food is of a higher quality than your school lunches in HS. The trays were nicer as well.
9.) Once prominent Carnegie Mellon professors who got addicted to Cocaine are around every corner.
8.) The Uniforms more closely resemble scrubs than jail cosutmery.
7.) For making your bed, instead of a fitted sheet for the bottom, you are given a giant pillowcase that fits our mattress, speeding up the process of making your bed immensely.
6.) They have premium cable.
5.) Of the 13 men in my cell block with me, 9 had completed at least two years of college education.
4.) The give you free Coffee and Kool-Aid. Whenever you want it.
3.) After the initial "Why're you here?", most people keep their problems to theirselves.
2.) According to the felows in the Maximum block a few floors up, I have a very pretty mouth. One even knew that it I had a "cupid's bow" upper lip.
1.) Convicts love.....and I mean LOVE....Will and Grace. We watched five episodes start to finish.

I hope you learned as much as I did.

RM

Wow....THAT was The Golden Compass? Ouch.

2007-12-07T23:04:00.000-05:00

So, not to spoil it if you guys haven't seen it yet, but GC is rough.

Really rough.

If you've been following Rottentomatoes.com, it's freshness is somewhere in the low forties, and it's criticisms are very valid.

I won't give my full opinion here, but if others were to offer their criticisms, I would certainly proffer mine own.

Exciting news in the expanding business world of RM. JFD and I have gone halfsies on a domain here in the Intraweb. The website, which we hope to have up by February, will be a synthesis of recipes, my own small witticisms, as well as shameless advertising for the company.

So, be sure to keep an eye on yourcookbookisnotfurniture.com in the coming months.

Also, since I don't endorse video piracy in any forms, I heartily suggest you all avoid filmhill.com. I certainly wouldn't encourage you to take advantage of it's impressive library of online films and tv shows, nor would I recommend those of you who watch anime to explore its sister site, OAFun.com. It's just not fair to all the gaffers and best boys out there.

Making himself a Betty Crock-ing Chair,
RM

On the Matters of Meta-Citizens; or, Why I just don't like Hayden Panittiere

2007-12-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

Counting tonight's writer-strike shortened season finale, I have now watched two full seasons of Heroes. I find the show's premise charming yet unoriginal, yet the writing itself intrigues me. Mainly because of its methodology.

See, each of the ten or so writers is assigned a character, or small group of characters. Then, each week, each writer writes their own character's little scenes, then hands it to whichever of them is doing the full episode, and off to the races.

Granted, this can occasionally make for a level of plot confusion that falls somewhere between LOST and The X-Files, yet still they execute for 95% of the show.

Then there's Hayden. I don't know if I'm just growing old and bitter, but her WB reject routine of rebellion and righteous indignation just feels wrong. Not for her character, and granted I don't think I'm the demographic they're going for with that character. I'm somewhere between Zachary Quinto and Masi Oka (Both of whom I met at Ojai in 06). Still, every time I see her regenerative face in the shot, whining about something when it turns out she was dead wrong all along, I kinda want to hit her. It's that WB/CW complete sense of 'you know what is right and wrong at 17' opinion that we all felt at some point. Maybe I do identify with her. And I'm a little ashamed of it.

With the exception of her, and maybe Peter and Nathan's mother, if you want to see almost flawless 3-D character development and execution, watch a few episodes of this show. The writing for it really is something special.

RM

Baby, I'm Sorry

2007-11-27T17:12:00.000-05:00

I often find that I am a foolish bastard. No, no, don't defend me. I am quick to judgment and to condemn and have a tendency to act first and think later. However, I'm not too proud to know when I'm wrong.

I'm sorry, Disney.

I still love you, if it's even possible, I love you more every day. I just want you to be happy. And if you think Tim Burton can give your Alice a face lift, then I understand and support you.

Why am I being so forgiving, you ask?

Three reasons: One, heavy use of valium. But that's not important right now. The second is your eponymously enchanting Enchanted. It does my heart good knowing that with this movie, you have permanently wrested both the child-epic and modern fantasy away from Dreamworks, New Line, and any other bastards who would try. If your movie has a princess, you now officially have to go through Disney to do it right. Sure, you can go to other film companies. But know full well you're dealing with the people who made Doogal and Hoodwink'd. It's even more wondrous that not only did you take your woman back, Disney, but you also masterfully satired yourself in the process. This movie, more than any other Disney movie of the past 3 years, shows me what Disney will be in the wake of The Eisner Affair, as it shall henceforth be known to me. I have nothing but the highest hopes for the future, which brings me to point three.
Three: You have returned to your bread and butter. With information trickling in about your two newest animated projects, The Princess and the Frog and Rapunzel, you have returned to classic fairy tales, with full scores and 2-D animation, While not forgetting the lessons of the past, learning the value of stylizing (Hercules) and Contemporary Storytelling (Treasure Planet [This was one of those learn from your mistakes kind of things]). If you haven't heard about The Princess and The Frog, it is essentially The Frog Princess set in Jazz Age New Orleans, with a predominantly creole-jazz and African-American interpretation.

How bad-ass does THAT sound? Disney, you shall always be my one true love.

On that note, I wish to resurrect two of my favorite Disney Games:
The first is Hero/Villain/Sidekick (This means any secondary character, but sidekick is catchier)

Wiry has already placed his on his facebook, but I shall transcribe them here:
1. Hero = Belle (Beauty and the Beast)
2. Villain = Scar (Lion King)
3. Supporting Character = Clopin (Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Mine follow immediately:
1. Hero= Oliver ( Oliver and Comapny)
2. Villain= Rattigan (Great Mouse Detective)
3. Sidekick= Thumper (Bambi)

What are yours? Think I got mine wrong? Let's start a discussion.

Also, my compilation of Mixed Drinks based on every Disney movie begins again, starting with the first five:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Pinocchio
Fantasia
Dumbo
Bambi

Also, let's keep the jokes about shots and Bambi's Mom to a minimum. No, I'm kidding. Fire away! Ba-zing!

One last thing. I was reading a fellow blogger's thoughts on life after our common alma-mater (well, most of us anyway), and how the period in time immediately after college is the scariest time in your life. Now, I cannot confess to have had a relatively scary life. I have never seen a vampire, though many goth kids; I've never been stalked based on the events of my previous summer; And I have never been chained to a water pipe, forced to share a dilapidated men's urinal with Cary Elwes (although....mmmm). I lost focus there. The message I can impart is this: The time out there is just like the time in here at Kenyon. It is what you make of it. I experienced the Real World a little early, then came back to an entirely different College experience. I know how scary and how unprepared you can feel when you're out there on your own for the first time. And I can't say that I've experienced what you're experiencing, so I could well be full of shit; But Kenyon affords you the great opportunity of only being limited by your ability out in the real world, and Kenyon doesn't accept people without exceptional ability. The Real World offers you so many things that Kenyon can't: "Normal" Dating, access to independent films, a paying job that doesn't involve calling alumni, new people and experiences that are only limited by your desire to take advantage of them. And that goes for college, too. For any phase of your life. You are only limited by desire and ability. Life cannot be experienced if you are afraid to experience it. And that's something we've all been guilty of before and will be again. Everyone is scared at some point. But don't let that fear that strikes everyone turn into hesitance, or worse, reluctance. Those will kill you. Because there's nothing worse than looking back at what you could've done at some point in your life.

Unless it's looking back and seeing the dude with the hook right behind you. Then you run. Hard.

RM

2007-11-25T17:41:00.000-05:00

Tim Burton, you are FUCKING DEAD TO ME

2007-11-21T01:12:00.000-05:00

As some of you may have gleaned in the tone of my previous piece, I am not in a very happy place right now. But, with the help of tea and deep-breathing exercises, I was making progress. Then THIS, THIS FUCKING HAPPENS.

If you can't read the link, or have read it and still don't understand why I'm upset. Let me spell this out for you....

TIM BURTON IS GOING TO RAPE DISNEY'S ALICE IN WONDERLAND.

No, I am not overreacting. This has got to come out, and if I'm the one hung for it, fine.

Tim Burton is the biggest goddamn grifter in Hollywood. Moreso even than Michael Bay. Here's why. Tim Burton hasn't made an artistically provoking film since Edward Scissorhands. He has become Hollywood's Pimp. Want Johnny Depp? Go talk to Papa Timmy. Want HBC? Talk to Timmy. Want Goofy shit in your movie? Bend over.
I once was under the impression that he was a talented director. I subsequently amended that and gave him credit as a talented visual designer. Then, I realized he was a fucking grifter who has parlayed his good name on poor lighting, acid trips, and a gaggle of stupid fucking teens who think this makes him a misunderstood, hurt, brilliant artist.

No, he's a conman with a stupid fucking haircut.

Jesus! In some countries this man would be dead for what he's done to cinema.

And don't get me started on how he's empowered the Hot Topic generation.

You want to talk hypocrisy? When a generation shits on their predecessors for being inflexible and invulnerable to criticism, and then when you say to them that you think AFI sounds like a cat being put through a sausage grinder, you "just don't get it."

You're shaping up to be Dubya II: Gothic Boogaloo. Enjoy that truth, junior.

And Sweeney Todd? Guess what? It's gonna suck. From his end, at least. I'll give you the three adjectives that describe all the shots I've seen:

Grimy.
Poorly Lit.
No difference in cinematography between it and Superman Returns.

Last one was a little long, but wait until it comes out. Walk away, come back to me, and honestly tell me if you think he did his supposed job for this one.

I say supposed job. His actual job?

Wanna know why he was hired? Because he could get Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter faster than Warner Bros. could undo his belt and suck his dick.

Seriously. If shitty lighting and angsty looking makeup and set design are all you need to be a counter-culture film icon, I know at least a thousand people on youtube who should be directing Sweeney Todd.

Now let's move on to his materials. Do I have a soft-spot for Alice in Wonderland? Certainly. But I'd be just as pissed if this man touched ANYTHING Disney ever made that didn't start in N and end in ightmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton's Little Mermaid? Tim Burton's Beauty and the Beast? hey, Disney, I've got an idea, let me get Eli Roth on the phone to do Snow White. I could get Tarantino to start working on a draft of Hunchback. Oh, let's have Oliver Stone take a whack at Aladdin! No harm in destroying your good name there, right?

Fuck, every Disney ever, even Elias Disney, Walt's furniture-making Pappy, are doing triple-lutzes six feet ender right now.

You can openly call me a fascist son of a bitch if you want, and I will accept that that is where my viewpoints have led me, but why do we have to fuck with shit that isn't broken? Hmm? Disney movies are a cultural institution. Not for America. For the World. Where do you think Hayao Miyazaki would be if it weren't for Steamboat Willie? Disney didn't just pioneer animation. They did. They also probably played one of the largest parts in helping to shape the American Musical for the past 70 some-odd years, along with Rodgers and Hammerstein and some of the other great lyrical teams of Broadway's infancy. And I can understand if there's one or two Disney movies you'd want another crack at. Some aren't immortal. You know, a lot aren't meant to be. But Alice in Wonderland is in that elite upper echelon with Beauty and The Beast, and The Little Mermaid, and Pinocchio, and Cinderella, where you just don't fuck with them. Not never interpret the stories again. Just, you know, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM DISNEY'S VERSIONS OF THEM.

And also, how pretentious a son of a bitch do you have to be to put "Tim Burton's" before anything? Like we're going to confuse your poorly lit Batman with Christopher Nolan's. We won't. His had direction.

Why do we as a culture have to darken everything? Why is it that, when we reach sixteen, we feel secretly guilty about still being attached to our childhood joys, so we get shitheads like Todd MacFarlane to do them up in bondage ? Do you realize it's our shame over still sleeping with Care Bears that keeps these assholes in business? That the time you put Mr. Snugglekins away because your friend Krissie called you a little girl is why American McGee drives a Benzo and wears italian suits, not a DuckTales shirt that he got on hottopic.com? (Oh, it's there, apparently Magica McQuack is the new poster child for Goth Children. Those fuckers.); And now, when our childhood will be further perverted by this goddamn sonofabitch con-man Tim Burton, we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.

We could've stopped him.

We could've stopped him at Batman Returns, Mars Attacks, Big Fish or Planet of The Apes.

We shouldn't have given him get out of Jail cards for The Corpse Bride or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory or Sleepy Hollow.

Because now he's not just laughing to the bank. He's laughing to the vault where we keep our childhoods.

That asshole has officially become the boogeyman.

And spare me, the perennial excuse that Victorian London is supposed to look Gothic. It was remarkably well-lit and clean by world standards at the time.

You know what's fucking Gothic?

Watching your childhood rot away before your very eyes.

FUCK!

If I EVER see Tim Burton at Disneyland, or even in person, he's gonna get a swift and terrible kick of vengeance right in the cock from,
RM

Comic Book Fans Are Killing Kiernan Mulroney

2007-11-20T01:33:00.000-05:00

I have a friend (Travis Fickett) who used to work with me at the now-defunct filmfreaq.com who has since moved on to internet trouble-child ign.com. Every now and then, he sends me some stuff on what he's talking to and about. Right now, he's whoring himself out for information on the new Thor and Justice League movies. One of my personal favorite rumors he proposed was that Shawn Ashmore, formerly known as Bobby Drake (X1-3), and Michael Rosenbaum (Smallville's Lex Luthor) were the two main competitors for the role of The Flash in the upcoming film. Rosenbaum, who voiced the flash in the Justice League Animated Series, seems the favorable choice, though he is being roundly panned by comic book aficianados.
Now, I am not in the pocket of movie production companies (see The Golden Compass Letter), but fan-boys, you have got to fucking stop. I'm serious. There's no fucking pleasing you. And before you say that so and so made you happy, or that you liked such and such a movie, here are some fun facts for you to ingest.
Let's start with Sin City and 300, the twin jewels in the crown of the "hip comic fan". Are they good comics? Certainly. Well written and well drawn. Let's take a look at the reviews.
boxofficemojo.com has a great link to gross numbers for every movie as well as a link to a website that cross-compares critical reviews with reviews from people on the street from some polling service most movie companies use after limited releases and test showings. They also, in the case of specialty movies (i.e. historical/based on a well known show or book/comic) grade fan opinion.
Average Critical Score for Sin City/300: B/B-
Average Consumer Score: C/B-
Average Fan Score: B-/B-

Now, where am I going with this? Those were the BEST averages amongst all comic movies of the past decade, excepting Batman Begins, which we can chalk up as a most welcome mistake. Every other comic book movie had at least TWO of those groups giving the movie a C- or lower. And guess where the average LOWEST grade comes from? That's right. You bastards.

You are the ones ruining your beloved comic book movies.

Here's the problem as I see it (please feel free to rebut). The comic is the most inexpensive epic medium imaginable. 90% of the work can be done by two guys alone in a room (preferably darkened parent's basement). One needs to be able to draw. The other needs to be able to come up with a storyline that is in keeping with 60 years of comic history (all of which he has mylar triple-sealed somewhere), or in inventing a new universe where he can write whatever the fuck he wants. (Gay Colossus? Sabretooth with Adamantium Claws? An Incestuous Relationship between Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch? Sure, we'll just call it ultimate. Make it Earth 2616 or something nutty like that.) That's it. That and publishing costs. See, in Comics, an epic storyline that involves the melting of Earth in a giant fondue pot costs about 25 dollars. In the movie industry, that can't even by a pack of gum for Brett Ratner.

Movies are a business. Art is a business. From the dawn of time. The first moment that a caveman realised he needed to buy more berry juice to smear on his cave walls, it became a business. Does that mean that art has no soul? Hell no. It can and should be a glorious medium bent on evoking the most primal and glorious reactions and responses from the human soul. But to do that in Hollywood, you better have at least 50 million. At least.

And yes, most of the movies clear their production costs. But you have to understand. These are the movies that are supposed to clear the bases. All the lousy romantic comedies that lose 5 million each? This is where they make their money back. And you can't just break even. Not if you ever want to see a movie ever again. They need to make a profit.

Justice League is already shaping up to be the biggest laugh since Entourage's faux-Aquaman or X3. But you comic book fans killed that one. The team that brought you the (according to comic fans) "Mediocre and Mediocre +", scripts of X and X2 were tired of the relentless harrying they were getting from producers. See, if they went all the way to one end of the spectrum ( a Comic fan's wet dream with ideal casting, fx and dialogue), it'd be way to expensive and inefficient. And if they went the other way, they'd still get shit on by the producers for not being marketable enough to comic fans.

See, that's the part none of you realize. They LISTEN to you.

Do you want to know why X-Men: The Last Stand was so bad? Because they put out a poll in several comic magazines and to several "well-known" people in the comic fan-base as to what they'd like to see in the sequels. There was a public outcry to see Jean Grey as Phoenix. Well how the shit are they supposed to do that without dropping another quarter billion on a space movie with Shi'ar and shit? hmm? People wanted to see the coming war between mutants and humans. But there simply wasn't a good one on the books at Marvel. And even if there WAS, guess who gets a producer's credit? Whoever wrote that storyline in the original comics. That was why the whole cure thing was written? Why wasn't Juggernaut magical? Why wasn't his backstory with Xavier identified? That's 30 minutes of movie they didn't have to explain. Why was Pyro introduced as a student? Easiest way to work him into the storyline. Why no Gambit? What, do you want this movie to be five fricking hours? It's not a comic. It's not an animated series. It's a two and a half (at most) movie that is doing the best it can with what it's got in the time it is given. And that's why the Phoenix storyline was butchered. Because they thought you wanted it, but just couldn't give it to you the exact way you wanted it. It got you the iPod you wanted for your birthday, but the fuckers got you one in green. You wanted pink.

The sheer volume of comics will inevitably satisfy you in one way or another if you're a comic book fan. The upcoming Thor movie will be in progress for 24 months before they get a crack at satisfying you. See the disparity?

The movie studios are confident that an okay, easy-enough-to follow script with some fun action and actors will cover their overhead and break even in the box-office. But YOU people are the ones that enable them to make sequels. And DVD sales. And game tie-ins for your XBoxes and your Wees and Your Sony Idon'tknowwhats.

They want to please you. But you need to stop expecting an orgasm every movie. It's just not going to happen.

You need to appreciate that this is a business, and not every movie can be Batman Begins. In fact, The reason Batman is so easy to do is that They only have to deal with two producers, the estate of Bob Kane and DC. And one of them is dead with a son happy to get a check and doesn't care about storylines, and DC is just thrilled to have a movie made again, so they're cheap dates. Do you know how many producers Justice League will require?

9. And that's assuming that Martian Manhunter and Hawkgirl cause no trouble. Nine producers. Figure between them, and the studio, and the director, that those writers, who work so goddamn hard to please you, are going to make anything other than like 8 margaritas and break down crying? Not a chance.

Comics are the best medium for what they do. It's simple, cost-effective, and allows for creative minds to do their thing in an epic universe. It's just not that simple in movies.

So you all need to cut them some fucking slack. They're doing their best. And yes, hopefully Iron Man will be great. And no, the new Hulk Movie probably won't be. But that's the price of putting comics on screen.

Comics are Ma and Pa Kent's Farm.
Movies are Metropolis.

So realize that you aren't in fucking Kansas anymore, this is the big leagues, and take a goddamn pill.

Respectfully,
RM

Thanksgiving fun from The PMRM Kitchen Korner....

2007-11-17T16:23:00.000-05:00

(You are in the sitting room of The Post-Modern Renaissance Man. There are some old books, furniture, a Strawberry Shortcake Word Search book, and a statue of The Swedish Chef.)

(Examine the statue of the Swedish Chef? [Press A])

(You examine the Statue. There is a button hidden under his hat. Press the button? [Press A])

(A Wall recesses, and you can smell burning bread and hear the tormented wails of a thousand dead turkeys. You descend the spiral staircase, and just as you are about to enter, there is an explosion!)

(From a giant cloud of flour, you hear)

Who's There?

(The flour settles, and you are in the Post-Modern Renaissance Man's kitchen!)

Oh, hello there chum. Happy Bird-Day!

(He begins dusting himself off)

Are you, like me, facing the prospect of a thanksgiving without family for the first time in a long time? Facing limited numbers? A bunch of friends, all insecure about the day that is the culinary equivalent of a penis-size competition? I've been there. But there's no reason for dismay! Here, check out some of these kick ass, delicious, fun and easy recipes, all created by yours truly that can make your first St. Turktrick's Day alone the bomb, can be fun to make with friends, or are even a great addition to family traditions!

Ready? [Press A]

Rock On!

Peanut-Fried Turkey Breasts

2-6 8 oz turkey breasts
Peanut Oil.

So, one of the wonderful culinary traditions I picked up in my time in IN (along with the fried twinkie) is this. And even if you are allergic to peanuts (you know who you are), this is still a great way to prepare turkey, and economical. Most major supermarkets have, at least at this time of the year, fresh or frozen turkey breasts instead of the whole bird. While fresh is always preferable, turkey is one of the best birds for freezing, so the loss of flavor and texture is minimal in comparison to chicken or duck. Ideally, You'd have a fryer for this recipe, as it will cook the inside of the breasts quicker and provide less chance burning than in a pan. If you can get your hands on a fryer, use however many cups of oil it recommends for chicken (mine is two), and cook in there for 15 minutes, or until the interior temperature of the meat is around 170 degrees. If using a pan, cook for 8-10 minutes on either side on medium, with about 2 tbsp. of oil. Be wary of burning!
This dish, when done, is delicious with rice, or even just a simple salad. Let the nutty goodness speak for itself, and don't tarnish it with cranberries or other dressings.

TurKabobs

Ha ha ha, word fusion. Seriously though, so many fall vegetables cook SO WELL over an open fire, and if you have a grill, or if not, just an oven, you can make delicious, seasonal turkey, yam and squash kabobs.
Needs:
2 8oz turkey breasts
2 large yams
one butternut quash.

So, there are three ways to do this. First, the prep is the same. Cut the turkey into 1-1/2 inch cubes. Then, do the same for the yams and the squash. If they are mature, you should have no problem cutting them. If they aren't, bake them in the oven for around 30 minutes at 350 degrees, checking every so often with a toothpick. Once their consistency is like the turkey, you're good to go.
Assembling Kabobs, if you've never done it, is awesome. It's tons of fun, and enables you to go as heavy, or as light, on various ingredients as you want. If you don't have special kabob skewers (2nd on the most frivolous kitchen tool of all time, behind only the ravioli crimper), just go to the supermarket, and, like I do, buy a bazillion bamboo skewers for like, two dollars. They're just as good.
Now, for cooking, the ideal way for flavor is grilling. if you have a grill, just light that fucker up and put those puppies on, flipping every seven or so minutes until they look and feel done. If you don't have one, just wrap each in tin-foil and either broil them for 20 minutes, or cook for 25 minutes at 350 degrees, checking after ten minutes. Then remove and enjoy. Again, these are best served with a basmati rice, or the recipe below.

Apple-Cranberry Sausage Stuffing

Stuffing is irrefutable proof that God loves man; The Apple and the Cranberry are proof that New England fall fruits are superior to any other regional type (I defy you, Ohio apple enthusiasts!); The Sausage.....is pretty good too. Combine them all, and you have an awesome side dish, or, if you're doing a full roasting turkey, an excellent flavor enhancer.
Desires:
1 1/2 cups cubed whole wheat bread
3 3/4 cups cubed white bread
1 pound ground turkey sausage
1 cup chopped onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
2 1/2 teaspoons dried sage
1 1/2 teaspoons dried rosemary
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1 Golden Delicious apple, cored and chopped
3/4 cup dried cranberries
1/3 cup minced fresh parsley
1 cooked turkey liver, finely chopped (optional, and really only practical if you have a whole roaster)
3/4 cup turkey stock (the stuff you use the baster for if you're roasting. If not, chicken broth is cool)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

Preheat your oven to 350 degree F (175 degree C). Spread the white and whole wheat bread cubes in a single layer on a large baking sheet. Bake for 5 to 7 minutes in the preheated oven, or until evenly toasted. Transfer the toasted bread cubes to a large bowl.
In a large skillet, cook the sausage and onions over medium heat, stirring and breaking up the lumps until evenly browned. Add the celery, sage, rosemary, and thyme; cook, stirring, for 2 minutes to blend flavors.
Pour sausage mixture over bread in bowl. Mix in chopped apples, dried cranberries, parsley, and liver. Drizzle with turkey stock and melted butter, and mix lightly. If roasting, spoon into turkey to loosely fill.
FUN TIP: If you can get it, try using hawaiian bread instead of white!

Chopped Maple Squash

This one comes from my Mother, Necessity. She has mastered this simple and delicious recipe, so check it out!

Simply buy a whole butternut squash, cut it in half, and hollow out the core. fill said core with maple syrup, and let bake at 350 for 20 minutes! That's it, and it's delish!

For Dessert.....
Pumpkin Bread Pudding!

(As a conciliation for all those of you who have peanut allergies, but love bread pudding)

For those of you who haven't clocked serious time in North Florida, as I have, they are psychos about two things, Tim Tebow and Bread Pudding. (Don't know who Tim Tebow is? Watch SportsCenter, you sissy) Anyhow, They are crazy about their bread pudding, which I have adapted to my New England sensibilities and fruits, and now pass onto you.
This recipe lusts for:
8 oz French Bread, torn into small pieces (5 cups or so)
2 c. half and half
3 large eggs
2/3 c. granulated sugar
2/3 c. brown sugar
1 can Pumpkin Puree (this is preferable to fresh, which by Thanksgiving has usually past it's prime)
1 c. dried cranberries
3 tbsp melted butter
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp vanilla
cinnamon-sugar (optional)

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and butter an 11x7 baking dish. Then, in a bowl, cover the torn bread with the half and half and set it aside. In another bowl, combine the eggs, sugars, pumpkin, cranberries, melted butter, the spices and vanilla. Blend that shit.
Pour this mixture over the soaked bread and stir to blend. Pour this into the baking dish and top with the cinnamon sugar if desired. Bake for 45 to 60 minutes, or until set. Serve with whipped cream!

Well, I hope that helps you a little with your Turkey Day Cooking.

(There is the sound of gobbling in the refrigerator)

Oh, that reminds me I need to go.......shopping.....for my turkey. Well, have fun! And remember, if you do get into a competitive turkey cooking/penis size competition, the average turkey is 5-1/2 inches cooked from beak to drumstick.

(Produces a sharp wood ax)

Happy Thanksgiving! Or, in the past tense, Thanksgaving!

(Turns to the Refrigerator)
C'mere you little fuckerball!

(Save now? [Press A])

Coming to the Boston Metro-West, Spring 2008

2007-11-14T15:35:00.000-05:00

This time, it's for real.

On Being An Emotional Lycanthrope, Friends and Family, Business, and Chimchar

2007-11-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

I appeal to you, oh readers, for patience and understanding.

Should you choose to skip ahead to wit, please skip until the paragraph that starts with the asterisk (*) in front of it.

If you know me (and, odds are if you are reading this you do), you know I am...an emotional sort of cove. I feel no reason to deny this. Some may call it even more extreme, some might even call me a time bomb. I disagree whole-heartedly with them, but I understand where they are coming from. I wear my heart on my sleeve (the history, or lack thereof, of me losing my shirt will be discussed at a later date). I see no reason to hide this nature. I embrace it. I'm sure you feel as I do more often than you might think.
Have you, oh readers, ever woken up one morning feeling cranky? Of course you have. You aren't feeling well. You didn't finish some work or something that needed to be done. You got into a fight. You didn't sleep well. You have low blood sugar. Any number of reasons. You woke up one morning not feeling right.
Establishing that, have you also ever, upon realizing that you are cranky, feel this crankiness evolve into a feral distrust of your friends and family? An animal-like reaction that today is the day that no one comes near me, or they will get what's coming to them. you feel yourself, in your mind, baring your teeth at people who try. And today is the day that you remember all those things that you filed away. All those times your friends said or did something insensitive, or neglectful, or hurtful. However unintentional their hurt may have been, it all comes to the surface. And today is the day that, should they do it again, you are ready to wheel on them, and finally call them "Liar!", or "Fake!"; Deceiver! Selfish! Arrogant! Untalented! Stupid! Demented! Unfunny!....all those things that, at the time, you repressed or filed away as something that shouldn't be said and forgave the person in question.
But not today. Today, like a bounty hunter out of a USA Network Direct-to-TV movie, you have no forgiveness or patience. It is gone. The part of your brain that doles out benefits of a doubt, and is willing to look the other way isn't there. Today there is only the animal inside your mind. Caged by your reason, bated with pointed sticks every time you were hurt. Today it is in control. And you hope your friends don't say the wrong thing. Though the animal inside you does. He relishes confrontation. He wants to say those things. And today, he is in control.....
Never had that, hunh?
Me neither.
I'm just having one of those days.

*My business, newly reformed under the working title of Juniper Food Designs, or JFD, continues slowly. I have filed forms for bankruptcy of my old company, liquidated most of my assets (Is a 5$ garage sale pot an asset? YES! Says the Gov't), and taken that money, along with money donated by several devotees of my last company to begin laying the groundwork of my new one, which right now is mostly forms. More on that to come.

My Chimchar (Gauguin) and I are fucking up Sinnoh like it's our job. While it currently bears a striking resemblance to the Hokkaido prefecture, when I'm done it'll be more like the Sukkaido prefecture! Hi-Yo!

Werewolf4Life,
RM

A Brief Glimpse into a Very Sick Mind....

2007-11-08T16:00:00.001-05:00

The Flu has laid waste to the fertile, serf-tilled valley of my mind and body the past few days, hence the lack of posting.

However, allow me to give you a brief glimpse into my disease addled brain with this transcribed inner monologue:
(Staring at Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
I wonder if Gary Oldman ever gets sick?
I doubt it. He seems like he takes good care of himself.
I don't like the taste of Orange Juice when I'm sick.
How did Oranges get the sweet deal of being "the sick juice"?
Why couldn't cranberry get that? They got "urinal tract tidiness". That sucks.
I wonder if Rupert Grint will ever get work after theses movies. Probably not.
Grint. Grint grint grint grint. Grint. Zinc. Grintzinc. Zincgrint. Zinc.
Zinc!
If ever there was an Adam West Batman sound effect.....
Zinc! Pow! Thwack! Sploosh!
I wonder how the sixth movie will turn out?
Why do they keep marketing Hermione as jailbait to 35 year old Harry Potter fans?
Is there a section of Azkaban for underage Wizard molestation?
I wish I had some cranberry juice.
I'm stuck with this orange shit.
I wonder if they've mixed cranberry juice and orange juice yet.
I'm gonna try it.
No, it sounds disgusting.
I should get chicken soup.
On second thought, I'll just pour a salt shaker down my throat and cut out the middle man.
I like David Thewlis.
Oh, movie's over.
I guess I'll watch Goblet of Fire.
....I wonder if David Tennant ever gets sick?
Probably not. He's The Doctor.

Stuporifically,
RM

As Per Usual, My First Thought is Deep Blue Something....

2007-11-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

My Friend Dave was in town today, and he has the hottest job in America since "The Sun's Bikini Inspector" was outsourced to Luxembourg.
He works over at Harmonix, the people who brought you Guitar Hero. The people who are currently responsible for Rock Band, which comes out in a few weeks. He had an advance copy and his XBox 360. I had two other friends itching to rock.

And Rock we did. Hard.

Despite the fact that the new Super Smash Bros. game trailer has replaced porn for me, and the high hopes I have for the new Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, I am convinced that this is and will be the biggest multi-player game for the next gen for some time.

The game play is familiar to anyone who played Guitar Hero, yet inventive. The song selection, as always, was impeccable. And his hints that the game system would have a downloadable library on 360 Live down the road only made me pray that Breakfast At Tiffany's or Hey Jealousy could be downloaded and played by me and three friends, who I would eventually abandon to a mediocre solo career after years of infidelity and drug abuse.

Yes, it's THAT interactive.

Rocking in the Free World,
RM

On Birthdays and Miniature Cakes

2007-11-03T20:44:00.000-04:00

Like many teenagers, by the time I turned 16, I didn't want my birthday to be "a big deal". My past 7 birthdays have gone thusly:
16.) Football game, fractured foot, iced, went home, fell asleep before birthday dinner. Woke up next morning.
17.) Three friends and I went to go see Black Hawk Down. Got pizza. I was the only one with money, so I paid. To this day, Victor has not paid me back.
18.) Five friends and I go to a sports bar to watch the Pats play.
19.) I get a hug from Emily Martyn, and get into a fight with Ryan Fraelich.
20.) I go out for Chinese with Erin and Anton.
21.) I watch a movie and eat pizza with one other person.
22.) I work until 11:30 at night, and come home to a cake and my family asleep.
23.) I wake up. Play MLB 2007 for a while, take a nap.

It's not that I have bad luck with birthdays. It's just I've made a conscious effort for it to not be a big deal. And this year, with family relations strained and most of my friends in other states, if it weren't for facebook, I think three people may have noticed at all. And I thought this was how I wanted things to be.

Then someone came up to me, and gave me a Hostess Cupcake with a candle in it, and hummed "Happy Birthday".

I've never felt happier. I've never felt lonelier. At least I'm not working for most of my birthday this year. I miss you all.

One year older, Not wiser,
RM

A Call To Arms on the Subject of Navigational Instruments Made of Precious Metal......and the Movies Made Thereof

2007-10-30T05:45:00.000-04:00

An Open Letter to Messrs. Robert Shaye and Michael Lynne, Co-charimen and CEOs of New Line Cinema:
Dear Sirs,
Hello, I am The Post-Modern Renaissance Man. How are you? I am fine. I'm writing to you today because I am concerned about you two. How are you? Really. Listen, we need to talk about your next big budget fantasy opus, The Golden Compass. I'm worried about you guys. Do you want to talk it out?
I mean, here you guys are, in the Spring of 2004, and you option a little known fantasy trilogy by this guy named Phillip Pullman. This is on the heels of LOTR, arguably, your greatest triliological success since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time closed out the TMNT trilogy. I understand that you are giddy with the possibilities. Then you bring in Chris Weitz as your director. Okay. The guy who directed About A Boy. Hmm. Now, here's where we first come across my concern for your film. With Lord of The Rings, you could hire a bunch of geeks (Peter Jackson, Sean Astin) to do the work because of the HUGE NAME that Lord of The Rings had. You could bring in the geeks to do it justice because you didn't need to worry about selling the product. So you brought in a guy with some semblance of fantasy experience and credibility, and you subsequently burned him for 100 Million in royalties. More on that in a moment.
So, Chris Weitz. Young, starry-eyed kid. Big fan of the series. But, he directed About A Boy. See, again, same ish. With The Golden Compass, You don't have, forgive me Pullman fans, one-eighth the name recognition that LOTR or Narnia had, and forget Harry Potter. Don't you even look at him. Actually, you might want to. Back to that in a sec. You're gonna need to work for your money back on this one. So, how does any GREAT company do that? Hmmm....Well, you could cut costs in the production team and hire more stars than talent in the cast. Try that.
So, back to Weitz. You also tap him for the screenplay. Fun Fact: He wrote The Nutty Professor II. No judgment. Just saying. So, having done that, you decide to fuck with the fan-boys. Who can blame you? I would have. I'm sure they all have questionable hygiene. So scrubbing the filth of your lies off when you drop the hint that Tom Stoppard would be brought in for a draft would do them a favor, removing layers of grime that have been there since Bridge To Terabrithia.
So, Weitz quits, because he realizes he directed About A Boy and THIS is his follow-up. Or, he finds the technical challenges too "daunting". Whatever you believe. You bring in Anand Tucker, the man behind your big-budget success, Shopgirl. Pullman loves him. There's a problem. Anyone he'd like has got to be a fan-boy, and you can't afford, wait, sorry; don't want to spend on fan-boys (Jackson is still costing you 20 mil. a year for five years). So fire him. Good call. Bring back Weitz. His sensible, Steve Martin free movies teach us all to laugh, love, and not want to kill Steve Martin.
Production rumbles forward. You shoot your wad of cash on Nicole Kidman, which, may I say, there's no better way to not help your movie, while not hurting it either. A very fiscally clever status quo move there. Then, unfortunately, you realize that your other heavy hitters: Jude Law, Michael Caine, and James McAvoy....They'll all want money too. Probably a lot. Hmm. That's a problem. Wait, what if you hire lesser known, more respected, cheaper actors? And make it look like the movie has artistic merit again? GENIUS! Bring in James Bond, The Older Brother from Tombstone, and James McAvoy's buddy in Last King of Scotland (Not Forrest Whittaker. The other one. The white one.) Back on track, back under budget. Hey, and fan-boys love James Bond. Bonus Round!
Still, they use that internet a lot. And the internet has been filled with all those articles about how Peter Jackson hates you because you doctored the receipts of LOTR to screw him AND his effects team out of 100 million. That's trouble. Because that's like the Jesus of the New Fan-Boy community (with Brett Ratner and Zack Snyder as sexy, 30-something apostles) is telling you to piss off. That's going to hurt. Because now none of the special effects companies in town will help you. Oh well, when in doubt, sign a rookie for 25 million. Hopefully that'll go well.
Still, you should probably show the fantasy fans around the world, who are at this point skeptical of the prison shower scene this whole affair has been so far, that you were right. Why not beat them at their own game? Put a trailer on the Internet. A Teaser Trailer! That'll show 'em.
Wait, it didn't? And now Weitz is talking about how difficult it was to interact with the producers and the film company? He's saying you held him back? Asshole! You made all the decisions you needed to make. Sure, 20% isn't that impressive for a hit ratio, but still: HE DIRECTED ABOUT A BOY! WITH HIS BROTHER! THAT'S LIKE, HALF CREDIT! WHO'S HE TO JUDGE?
Better put out another teaser. Just re-work the old one, you guys can do it yourselves one night on iMovie over a sixer of Grolsch and a pizza. Or better yet, get one of those 13 year olds on the YouTube who're always making fake trailers of old movies and trailers to do it. There are like, 50 for The Dark Knight. Boy, I bet you guys wish you had that movie. Oh, sorry.
What, they want more? MORE? Then just give it to the little jerks. Spoil the whole movie. I mean, people who've never heard of an alethiometer or don't get why polar bears are in armor are the people you want in the seats. Just like Harry Potter. It's better to be in the business of financially remunerative, yet culturally irrelevant movies that are gimmes for Best Special Effects (Oscar Winner!), than to be in the business of pleasing 3rd Level Dungeon Masters and kids who call comics 'graphic novels'. Don't please them. Loyalty to a franchise is about as costly as Nicole Kidman's Assistant. Fuck fan-boys. If you were in the business of pleasing them, you'd be working with Peter Jackson on The Hobbit. Or at Disney working on Prince Caspian. Or working on The Dark Knight. Boy, I bet you wish you guys had that movie.
Which brings me back to my first question: What the fuck is your problem?
I'm sorry. That came out wrong.
How are you? Really.
Respectfully hoping for your correspondence,
RM

Why Good Things happen to Good People, as Long as they Have Rich Friends.

2007-10-28T15:35:00.000-04:00

What, ho! Faithful Readers.
So I'm chilling in my crib, sipping on gin n' juice (specifically country club and cranberry, AKA Methuen Mouthwash! Bwahahahahahahahaha! Boston Humor), watching the football match, when I get a call from Mrs. ******* (Name omitted for safety reasons), the woman who was my first gig in the catering biz. Long story short, she has agreed to set me up with funds to get the company going again! Which I might, in time. It just goes to show, work the 40-55 Rich Female Demographic like I do, and anything is possible.
Today, I am recording voice sync dubbing for four halloween movies that will hopefully be on sale this coming wednesday in Cambridge, MA, for the Back Bay Comedians (Or BBC. I know, I know, they're clever). It's a bunch of my old HS friends, and what we're doing is Skype-ing while we all watch the same movies and a friend of ours is recording our live conversations. Think of it as a live, low-budget MST thing. What you do is you buy the CD, then start it as the movie starts and play over the audio. It's low-tech, but seems cool. So I'm recording that from 3-10, and if you have any jokes to throw out, IM me. Here's our order:
SAW from 3-5.
Jeepers Creepers From 5-630.
Sleepy Hollow from 630-830.
Bram Stoker's Dracula from 830-1030.

So IM me at Huflpufnstuf on the AIM for suggestions.

Wondering what he can cook up now,

RM

The Top 10 Things That The RM Covets:

2007-10-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

10.) A situation where I can use the word de-oxidize in a sentence.
9.) The Complete Series of Friday Night Lights on DVD.
8.) The BC Eagles in the National Championship Game.
7.) A Conversation on AIM that doesn't use AIM Speak.
6.) A Really Well Made Sandwich.
5.) My Company Back.
4.) A Pet Otter.
3.) The Ability to Catch 'Em All.
2.) Another Bottle of Hennessey.
1.) My Friend Wiry.

Loving Lists,
RM

The City on the Hill, Choices in Cold Weather Gear, Why Game Freak hates me, and Conrad Veidt

2007-10-26T14:17:00.000-04:00

Day Three of my new existence as a failed Corporate Executive. Slightly colder than I might have expected.

Have resolved to wear more flannel, because it is warmer than most of my sweatshirts and coats, and also because I like saying Flannel. Flannel. Fla-nell. Flah-nel. Flay---moving on.

There are many reasons to be proud of being from Boston. Xenophobia, ties to the IRA, Ben Affleck, Chris O'Donnell, I could go on. But right now, all the world looks to us as a mecca for sports. And, indeed, we now are. Which is a good and a bad thing. It's a good thing because the famous long suffering fans of Boston now finally have some relief (excepting the past three Super Bowls and the 2004 World Series. Those don't count). It's a bad thing because we are the most obnoxious sons of bitches on Earth once we get going.

Even I, humble, lovable shoe-shine boy of a Boston sports fan that I am, can't help but take some savage pride in the current prison shower scene that some call the 2007 World Series, because I can remember back when I was a tot and a good day in Boston Red Sox was Wade Boggs showing up sober. When our most poignant weapon was John Valentin. When we all prayed that Roger Clemens was an android who would work for the blood of Oil Can Boyd rather than money. Alas, we were wrong.

So the new Boston Mantra is, since we can beat 'em, why not beat 'em senseless? Tom Brady is on pace to throw 60 some odd touchdowns this year. For a frame of reference, Peyton Manning, arguably the best pure QB ever, set the record at 49, which was unheard of. The Pats don't consider it a win unless it's by 21 points. That's a beatdown. Also, in the NBA, the impressive trio of Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen, three of the best point scorers in the Modern Era of the NBA, are all now in Celtics Green. Think they're going to keep the scores low? Also, the Boston Bruins have the largest margin of Points Scored versus Points Allowed in the NHL, only one game behind the Ottawa Senators for the best record in the NHL. In College Football, Heisman Favorite Matt Ryan has lead the BC Eagles to the 2nd overall ranking in the country.
That's 5....5 sports in which Boston can now be argued as a dominant force. Not even NY during the hey days of the Yankees, or when Oakland had the High-Flying A's and the Thug Raiders at their zenith can touch that.
Yeah, if your a Boston Sports Fan, you're a well deserved dick right about now.

In Pokenews, I have picked up the new game for the DS. However, I can't comment on it yet because I am forced to choose, as my starting pokemon, either a fire-monkey, a penguin, or a dirt turtle. HOW CAN ANYONE MAKE SUCH A CHOICE? Every time I try I just stare at the screen, unable to choose. Then I turn it off, and resolve to make a decision tomorrow.

I had my live Skype Halloween film fest uplink with my friend Michelle from home, our 6th Annual. This years theme was "1919-1939: Or, why Tim Burton is a thieving douchebag." We watched Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, The Man Who Laughed, Edward Scissorhands and Sleepy Hollow. While I will always enjoy the last one as a semi-goofy Johnny Depp/Miranda Richardson vehicle, Christina Ricci always creeps me out. I don't know if I'm supposed to be aroused by her or freaked out. At least with Helena Bonham Carter it's a creepy arousal. Christina just keeps me floundering. Quick side note, if you ever have the means, watch The Man Who Laughed. Most emotionally touching silent creepy movie starring the Joker before the Joker existed ever.

I've started baking again. The healing can begin.

Still working on that Hennessey,
RM

In Memoriam, Q.C.C.

2007-10-24T11:56:00.000-04:00

To whom it may concern,

Today marks the end of the embattled and all too short-lived Quince Catering Company, of Dover MA. Due to increasing financial instability, and external pressures, I have closed it down.

Some of you knew about this side project of mine, and regarded it with passing fascination.

To me, it was much much more, and I hope to use this small space to do it an ounce of justice.

I was kicked out of Kenyon College in August of 2006. Not asked to leave, not because of financial troubles. Kicked out. Because I had chosen to put my priorities above those of the College. I was disgraced, and I was heartbroken. My friends were in shock, and it caused irreparable damage to one particular relationship that I fear I will never live down. Shortly after this, I formulated a hap-hazard plan to get back to Kenyon. I was told I had to wait a year to re-enroll. It was my goal to be back in six months. My mother, little knowing what was ahead for her, agreed to take me in, provided I get a full-time job and go to classes in the morning and at night. I did just that. I took on four classes at the local community college, and I got a job waiting tables at a restaurant called J.J.'s, outside of Jacksonville. My school was fifteen minutes to the south of my house, the restaurant around 45 minutes north.
I worked hard. At the restaurant, more due to my resilience and my ability to understand abuse in french, I was promoted through the ranks of chef. At school, I earned an A in every class. I was up most days at six in the morning, and wasn't back until 12 at night.
This took a toll on me psychologically, causing me to say and do things I will always regret. My relationship with my mother faltered, as we are both very emotional people, who wear our hearts on our sleeves and don't contain feelings very well. By Christmas, we had trouble making eye contact, and I left, to return to Kenyon six months ahead of their schedule but right on mine.
At Kenyon, which should have been my moment of triumph, I froze. I came back to a very different dynamic and different people, some of whom I'm sure were upset at me for leaving, some who didn't know how to reincorporate me after my absence, and some who regarded me as a ticking time-bomb, a mentally unstable hazard. I do not blame them for this. However, this caused me to 'freak out' just as they had predicted, and I began to have frequent panic attacks and became unable to leave my room for extended periods of time. I was not ready to return.
I left, again in shame. This time, I turned to my father in MA for support, and I received it. We worked on a plan that involved me getting a job, taking classes and seeking psychiatric support for my troubles I experienced at Kenyon.
While I was taking classes and working on my problems with Dr. Mitchell, I had trouble procuring a job. It was around this time I ran into the mother of a friend and told her of my job in Florida, working as a chef. She knew about my trouble to find a job, and offered me a one-time catering gig for a small party of hers.
From there, Quince Catering took off. Through word of mouth and the parents of my high school friends, I was able to establish a somewhat-successful and financially gratifying catering company. For the first time in almost a year, I had something to be proud of. I was not some stopgap for a French restaurant, or a college flunkie, or a failure son, I was a successful entrepreneur. When I returned for Senior Week at Kenyon, to see my friends off and wish them well, I had something. I had something to vindicate myself in their eyes. Yes, I had failed Kenyon. Yes, I had failed them, twice over. Yes I had failed at life, and yet, I had this. I had my own company. I had taken the first step, albeit forced, into the real world; And despite a shit storm that (not to sound bitter) few of them could even come close to understanding, I had survived. More than that, I had thrived. Still, I could tell that in the eyes of some I was still a failure. Or, if not a failure, I was no longer one of them. I had forsaken my membership to our circle when I had become a failure to the academic system. I left senior week to go down to Florida for my sister's High School graduation, crying much of the way from West Virginia to Georgia. It was then I resolved that I would never let other people judge my worth. That I would rest my laurels and my pride on my own skills and abilities.
After a summer working at a boys' camp, I returned to Kenyon again, lonely and isolated. Resolving that I could not continue my company from here, I sold my control of it to a friend of mine, a recent graduate of Johnson and Wales. Within a month, it was clear that he, though a far better chef than me, could not handle the financial and PR facets of the company. It was near bankrupt.
So I bought back Quince with what little money I had left, and despite being busy with schoolwork and a mounting series of family problems, I took control from 1000 miles away.
Despite my best efforts, it was not to work. And so, today, I fired my friend and shut down the company indefinitely.
This brought back a sense of shame and failure I had not felt since that drive down to Florida. That's when I realized that, however proud we may be, however hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise, we do crave the acceptance of others. And I had once again provided fodder for the chorus of people ready to label me a failure. You can take this moment or an earlier moment to say no such chorus exists. That I am being paranoid. If you are saying this, you are one of my friends from college. If that is the case, you know god damn well that people have gone behind my back and said shit behind my back in the past. I have no reason not to believe that those people, and others, less judgemental though they may be, still consider my exodus from Kenyon as a failure, and myself as one as well.
It's hard to not take this the wrong way. For a good six months, this was the one thing in my life I had some pride in. It vindicated me. Sure, some of my friends were at school, and successful academically, and happy, but I had proven my worth in the real world. I had built a testament to my resiliency, and I felt that for the first time in over a year I was worthy of, and deserved, some respect.
With it gone, so has that feeling. I feel like November 2006 all over again. I am alone, I am isolated, and I am a failure.
Quince was a security blanket when I had nothing to hang my hat on, nothing to be proud of, no sense of self or of pride. It was a savior for me, and it is gone.

That God, which ever lives and loves,: One God, one law, one element,; And one far-off divine event,
To which the whole creation moves.: ~Tennyson, In Memoriam

Rest in Peace, friend.

Me? I'm gonna go drink a bottle of Hennessey and wait until all this blows over.

Insert pithy pop-culture reference to make this less pathetic here,
RM

A Falliday Recipe from the Pomo Kitchen Corner...

2007-10-23T01:18:00.000-04:00

So, for those of you that don't know, (hints can be found at facebook or on Jeff's link page, or by talking to me) I have some professional experience in the cooking world. Indeed, in Jacksonville I'm something of a celebrity on the subject (not really...). Anyhow, fall is right around the corner and I thought I'd share this recipe with everyone. It's really easy, though it requires some focus and patience.

Pumpkin Spice Cake with Sugar Apple Glaze
CAKE:
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature

1 1/4 cups light brown sugar

2 large eggs

1 cup fresh or canned pure pumpkin (about 1/2 of a 15 ounce can)

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

2 cups sifted cake flour

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

1/2 cup buttermilk, room temperature

Glaze

3/4 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup apple cider or juice

1 tablespoon butter

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and place rack in center of oven. Butter and flour (or spray with Pam) two - 8 inch cake pans. Set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer (or with a hand mixer, which I prefer), cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy (about 2-3 minutes). Add the eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Add the pumpkin puree and vanilla and beat until incorporated.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt and spices. Add the flour mixture and buttermilk alternately to the pumpkin batter, in three additions, beginning and ending with the flour mixture. Divide the batter in half and then pour the batter into the prepared pans. Bake for approximately 25 - 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes and then invert and remove the cakes from their pans. Cool completely before frosting.

To make the glaze, pour the brown sugar into a saucepan with the butter and heat to medium high. Stir the butter and brown sugar until it makes a smooth mixture (be careful brown sugar burns a lot faster than regular sugar. vigilance!) to that, add the apple cider, once mixed well, let cool. If still too liquid-y, add more brown sugar, or confectioner's sugar, if available.

Assemble cake, garnish with chopped walnuts, pecans, or almonds.

PS: Don't want to invest in buttermilk? Combine 1/2 cup of milk with 1/2 tablespoon vinegar or lemon juice. Stir and let stand for 10 minutes before using.

Enjoi,

An uncontrollable smile....

2007-10-21T23:08:00.000-04:00

it's been a long and tiring week, and i found this goofing around on youtube.

I smile uncontrollably every time i watch it, which is at least thirty so far.

if you hadn't guessed from my link section, i love alice in wonderland. while i cannot with my whole heart say it is my favorite disney movie, it is by far my favorite source material they ever used, eclipsing even the late 70s porn classic deep throat, which somehow became the emperor's new groove.

it's just a really sweet little video, and the comic itself is rather cute, there's a link on the youtube page.

RM

P.S. Apparently the link isn't working, so just paste this.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGhKLeAhKic

the foreboding nature of gummi berri juice....

2007-10-21T00:03:00.001-04:00

i began watching justice league unlimited on youtube this week. like many of my generation, i watched the original batman the animated series, and to this day will fight tooth and nail that mark hamill's voice of the joker is the best rendition of the character ever captured. this new justice league show, the latest and apparently final chapter in the paul dini/bruce timm collaboration that started it all, is quite good too. the voice talent is surprisingly diverse, from justin bateman to ed asner to michael york to nathan fillion. but that's not the point. i raise this point, looking over my collection of childhood memories on dvd (freakazoid, gummi bears, batman the animated series, king arthur and the knights of justice, etc), and remembering something a friend of mine once told me, when she was taking a psych class for her doctorate at tufts:

most people who possess child like features after the final stage of normal emotional maturity usually revert to childhood possessions as a manner of repression of current trauma. they latch on to things they associate with a simpler period of existence to convince the conscious and the subconscious that there is no problem.

anyone who knows me acknowledges, with various terminology ranging from blunt to adroit, that i am childish. i have a predisposition to immature and occasionally rash decision making, can become upset over inconsequential things, and when threatened have all the grace and tact of a seven year old. however, this made me wonder if my love of the things that defined my childhood are simply because i don't want to face the conventional face of adulthood. i wonder because i like some adult things. i like black socks. i like bargains in gas prices. i love alcohol and tobacco.

unsure if grammi gummi is just a security blanket or is really something more,
RM

a few thoughts on why i wish i was a pokemon...

2007-10-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

today i found myself in a rather unpleasant telephone conversation with a person who i am intimately familiar with. as any conversation like this goes, at least when i am getting reamed for something i've done wrong or have been told i did something wrong, the phrase 'what do you have to say for yourself?' inevitably comes up. i hate that fucking phrase. because, at least in my case, whatever i have to say for myself is the wrong fucking thing. i am never right in this situation, so whatever words i choose will fail to defend me in any way. ergo, i wish i was a pokemon. they are blessed, among other things, with a one word vocabulary limited only to identifying their species. this word must represent all words for them, ans do with clever inflection and the right timing you can sound quite good without saying anything. that seems to me to be their biggest boon.

i'd want to be a fire-type. though that'd leave me wide open for a squirtle.

man, that sounds wrong.

RM

Why I love Top 10 Lists....

2007-10-18T11:52:00.001-04:00

My good friend and former live-in....associate.....Jeff has posed an excellent question re: The Top 10 (Most significant to you) Albums of All Time, meaning All Your Time. I have crafted an answer to him:

1.) Collective Soul, by Collective Soul
2.) Omnibus, by Tarkio
3.) Pet Sounds, by The Beach Boys
4.) Stunt, by Bare Naked Ladies
5.) Fush Yu Mang, by Smashmouth
6.) Dookie, by Green Day
7.) Disney's Greatest, Vol. 2
8.) Fashion Nugget, by Cake
9.) The Color and the Shape, by Foo Fighters
10.) The Greatest Hits, The Alman Brothers Band

Take that, sir!

RM

The Thursday Three-Point: Blog Technology, Chimpanzee Correspondence, and Violence in Videogames

2007-10-18T11:36:00.000-04:00

I spent a good hour today trying to figure out how to make my template cooler. Not on this website, no. That would be to sane and logical. I went to over two dozen websites that promised me pre-fabricated templates of varying interest and quality, all self-explanatory and easily installed at the touch of a button.

The internet is a liar.

To this point, I have resolved to merely keep the one I have, and when all my cool friends with their awesome backgrounds ask me why mine is so vanilla, I will make some defensive comment about the quality of the words over the look, then skulk away, planning to kick them in the shin after they've forgotten about me.

I was talking to a friend of mine who works at a record label the other day, and let slip perhaps the greatest secret of my faux-hipster persona: I like the Barenaked Ladies. I know, I know, that phrase either means you're lame or are a rich white boy with season tickets to them, and Dispatch, and DMB (Wait......), but my even cooler music friend admitted he likes them to, in shameful secrecy.

Does everyone like Barenaked Ladies in shameful secrecy? Are we all afraid to come clean? The Pomo will continue its investigations.

Finally, I was playing one of the old Super Mario Bros. games the other day when it dawned on me that if the violence in video game people really wanted to make a legitimate claim, they should've started earlier. The conspicuous lack of concern for the thousands, and I mean thousands, of souls crushed underfoot by that Pseudo-Italian death machine some fancifully dub Mario is disheartening. I can't help but ask why the mid-western housewife who won't let her son play a game that accurately depicts and teaches how to kill with piano wire thinks that Mushrooms and Turtles don't deserve saving. Are they second class citizens to you, Frau Hitler?

Remember, if they have spikes on their shells, they have it coming.

RM

The Wednesday Essay: On Nocturnal Melancholia, Men with Two First Names, and People who Sell Me an Inconvenient Number of Lighting Tools

2007-10-18T03:01:00.001-04:00

As the poets say, It's 3 AM, and I must be lonely.

Surely, unless Messrs. Thomas, Doucette, MacMillan, Yale and Cook are mistaken, I must be damn near miserable about now. Also, apparently it's raining. Neither is true at the moment. So why is it that, whenever I listen to that, or any mid 90s alternative song, I feel miserable?

I've been toying with this for sometime now, and have spent all of my funding and most of my scientific good name to reach this conclusion. My generation loves being miserable.

It's true. The Post Generation-X Generation, or Generation Y, or Generation 9/11, or the Information Generation, or Harry Potter and The Generation of Sorrows, whatever you will call us, is a generation that enjoys, occasionally, wallowing in its own misery.

Take the evolution of goth and Emo cultures. As much as they would like you to believe, they can draw no history past our generation. Emo is not the love-child of new-wave and punk. They're just sad, depressed idiots. And Goth has nothing to do with Victorian England. It doesn't. In fact, both movements can be traced to the year 1990, when a cracked out waste-head named Tim Burton got high and thought his fingers looked like scissors and Connor Oberst's sixth-grade girlfriend dumped him because he was "icky".

But surely this is a modern American success story. From such inauspicious beginnings, Emo has become a by word for the weak and emotionally sensitive and insular of the world. Instead of taking pain, and thriving on it, learning and growing from it, they wallow in it; Staying in their basement, pining for their best friend of the opposite sex, wondering why he/she will never see me that way, and listening to the newest from Dashboard.

Goth culture, meanwhile, has succeeded in taking non-conformity to the business world. Through their joint-venture with Abercrombie and Fitch, Hot Topic, they have not only spread wearing black in August to the whole world, they successfully conned everyone into thinking anything can be Goth. A cursory glance at any Hot Topic will find, after the obligatory Tim Burton rack: Care Bears, Transformers, Hello Kitty, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Harry Potter. None of those are Goth. They're not even close to Goth. They're Geek. So admit it, Goths. You're geeks who, afraid being labeled that would get you beat up in high school, hid behind an ugly amount of mascara. Come into the light. Everyone here is a geek and wants to help you. I have a friend who plays for the Virginia Military Institute's Football team. He'd love to talk Hello Kitty with you. I'm dead serious. And I can think of at least twenty people who'd love to talk Care Bears. And Harry Potter is a global phenomenon. Surely you can talk to one of them.

Counter-Culture is a wonderful thing, as is following your own voice and doing your own thing. But don't hide behind a pre-conceived set of behavior to hide who you truly are. Because then, We become the Gothest Generation. And as God is my witness, Cinema Strange will not speak for me.

RM

Grand Opening

2007-10-17T20:26:00.000-04:00

I just started this blog.

....I'll think of something clever tomorrow.

RM